When I turned 18 eight months ago, I already decided I couldn't live longer, I just have been deliberating over it.
So, anyways, had an argument with my parents (still live with them) and not too long ago, I attempted suicide via drowning. It failed miserably, it was an impulsive attempt; I should've thought more into it. I had a bag to weigh myself down but as I was falling, I hit the water on my back— when I had meant to headfirst/on my stomach at least— and the bag took all the weight. The moment I landed in the water, I knew I couldn't just make myself drown, that's simply way too difficult. I, who can't swim, managed to swim back to shore albeit it wasn't an overly long distance, had the cops called, spoke with parents and by their influence, voluntarily entered ip.
I feel absolutely horrible for making them suffer. At the time, I had been convinced it'd be beneficial for my whole family if I died, I didn't have much thought otherwise. Even now, I still think my existence is unnecessary stress to them and even now, I'll look at the river I tried to jump into and call myself pathetic for not planning enough (it wasn't tall enough and I was lucky, I guess). I'll stare at other buildings and wonder: would I die if I leapt from there? When would I do so again? Probably when my parents die
Regardless, I'm just ranting :(
Why is it that I want to live but want to die. Why is it that I, with my privileged life, decided to end it? I'm so selfish and of course, a coward. I feel as if my attempt was more of a "cry for help" than an actual "I'm going to kill myself" sort of thing. I want to die because I feel like a useless burden. I want to live to succeed for my parents. I want to die because I think I'm a terribly lazy person. I want to live so I could experience life. Why am I so hypocritical? Nothing I say makes sense. I admit I'm a bad person and I'll still try to validate any little thing as "maybe I'm not so bad…" I accept that I'm lazy yet I com0plain complain complain
Maybe it's because I'm still considered a kid and immature, I dunno
Here goes another day where I long to die and dread it; for the people that care for me
So, anyways, had an argument with my parents (still live with them) and not too long ago, I attempted suicide via drowning. It failed miserably, it was an impulsive attempt; I should've thought more into it. I had a bag to weigh myself down but as I was falling, I hit the water on my back— when I had meant to headfirst/on my stomach at least— and the bag took all the weight. The moment I landed in the water, I knew I couldn't just make myself drown, that's simply way too difficult. I, who can't swim, managed to swim back to shore albeit it wasn't an overly long distance, had the cops called, spoke with parents and by their influence, voluntarily entered ip.
I feel absolutely horrible for making them suffer. At the time, I had been convinced it'd be beneficial for my whole family if I died, I didn't have much thought otherwise. Even now, I still think my existence is unnecessary stress to them and even now, I'll look at the river I tried to jump into and call myself pathetic for not planning enough (it wasn't tall enough and I was lucky, I guess). I'll stare at other buildings and wonder: would I die if I leapt from there? When would I do so again? Probably when my parents die
Regardless, I'm just ranting :(
Why is it that I want to live but want to die. Why is it that I, with my privileged life, decided to end it? I'm so selfish and of course, a coward. I feel as if my attempt was more of a "cry for help" than an actual "I'm going to kill myself" sort of thing. I want to die because I feel like a useless burden. I want to live to succeed for my parents. I want to die because I think I'm a terribly lazy person. I want to live so I could experience life. Why am I so hypocritical? Nothing I say makes sense. I admit I'm a bad person and I'll still try to validate any little thing as "maybe I'm not so bad…" I accept that I'm lazy yet I com0plain complain complain
Maybe it's because I'm still considered a kid and immature, I dunno
Here goes another day where I long to die and dread it; for the people that care for me
