Venting idk what i should do

[thebelljar]

i don't have a real reason to ctb. i have a great social life and amazing family that cares for me but i am so sick of waking up everyday utterly unhappy with life. i literally cannot imagine myself living until old age. ive tried therapy and even talking with my close friends about how i feel but no one is truly there for me and they all tell me that i should be happy. im not and im sick of the condescension. ive felt this way ever since i was in middle school and my first attempt was met with such anger from my family and complete lack of understanding from my friends and it left me feeling so much worse than before. i have no idea what the problem is and wish i could fix it from the bottom of my heart but ive spent my entire life looking for the one thing that's been throwing me off all of this time. i don't think ill ever find it. i don't hate living, it's more like this nagging boredom, despair, and unpleasantness that seems subtle at first but grows into something unbearable as time goes on.

my boyfriend broke up with me a couple nights ago. he had told me so many times he would never leave me and for the first time, i saw a life of happiness and children and a 9 to 5 job filled with the love for life itself despite its repetitive and meaningless state. it shouldn't have hit me as hard as it has but now this feeling of being stuck in time has come back so much stronger than ever and i can't live with it anymore. i just feel so awful for leaving my family behind and most of all my cats as they look forward to me coming back every summer i visit. i don't think my ex would care at all honestly speaking and id rather he didn't- but i can't help but to feel lied to by the one person i gave my entire heart, mind, and body to.

ive already planned a day and method and have my letters written. i feel like the way i wrote this out undermines everything i feel, the words aren't quite right but i need to get this off my chest. maybe it's the guilt of leaving behind the people i love or the ironic hopelessness i feel towards the one source of hope ive ever had in my life.

 

[norwegianbuttercris]

i'm so sorry that you feeling this way, it must feel so horrible having people tell you how to feel and invalidating your feelings like that. i don't really have any good advice to give you but i hope you find the peace that you deserve, whatever path that may be for you. sending you love <3

 

[thebelljar]

i'm so sorry that you feeling this way, it must feel so horrible having people tell you how to feel and invalidating your feelings like that. i don't really have any good advice to give you but i hope you find the peace that you deserve, whatever path that may be for you. sending you love <3

thank you so much for taking the time to read that, i really do appreciate it and i hope the same for you as well :)

 

[FuneralCry]

It's awful how people can be so insensitive in this cruel world, but it doesn't even surprise me. I guess that after all you cannot trust and rely on other people. But the thought of existing until old age really is something so horrible to me, I prefer the sound of permanent nonexistence to this futile cycle of suffering. I wish you the best.

 

[cutejellybean]

Yeah, depression doesn't always have a cause or makes sense.
Have you tried antidepressants? They didn't work for me, but they're different for everyone. I know that you already have a CTB plan, but in case you change your mind, you can always try medication. Sorry, depression is the worst...