Venting identity crisis is the main reason why i want to ctb

[dinosavr]

I'm so fucking doneeeee!! I hate myself so much, I'm actually angry! I can't seem to make up my mind, to decide what I believe, what I like, what I do, who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, blah blah blah. And it's all kinds of stuff, starting with silly stuff like do I really like coffee or do I just want to be someone who likes coffee? Do I want to wear girly makeup and clothes or am I foolish and I should be more casual. But then again, do I want to be boring? Or do I just want to escape from being judged? And it applies to important stuff too. Do I really want to die? One moment I'm so incredibly sure I do and I want to pursue it and there I am 30 minutes later booking a hotel room for a trip because I want to live a happy life. Or my sexuality - technically I identify as bisexual but am I really attracted to women too? Or are the stereotypes real and I just want attention or I want to be "one of them"? HOW DO I KNOW? I have no single clue what's for real and what's made up in my mind. I don't know if I'm pretending in front of other people or maybe I'm also fooling myself? There have been so many things in my life that I was so sure of and then I ended up realizing that isn't what I really feel. And there's also the issue with how others perceive me. But that's too fucked up to even start thinking about it.
I keep taking random online tests to find out what are the real answers to my questions. But even these have different results in different moments. I try to do research though and really read into the topics that I feel uncertain about. But usually with no success. And if I don't actually belong anywhere and I'm living my life just to be there, breathe and try to adjust to others, to the situation, etc, then what's the point? Just like in Pirandello's - I am one, no one and one hundred thousand. And I fucking hate it…

 

[lastsunset]

Yeah same. Never actually knew who I really was. Still people told me they miss the "old me". Feels like other people know more about who I am than I do.

Imo it doesn't really matter in the end tho.

 

[Redleaf1992]

I find I relate to a lot of things you post.

My mind keeps changing about sucide like yours.

With identity it mostly Sexuality and gender and my feminine side.

I keep back flipping with what I think I want, and don't know if my feelings are real, similiar to you. It makes things really hard to proceed with life. Particularly when I'm impulsive enough act in thoughts (going in hormones) without being sure of my own identity.

I actually took an online class about indetifying identity last week. It feels like a year ago and can't remember much from it (brain tripped out). The second class is this week tho and it usually get more into grit of jt - so hopefully I will find it useful. I will let you know if I have any tips lol.

Is this something you're working through with your therapist? I know identity problems is common challenge for many, so I imagine there must be some form of therapy for it that might help?

 

[dinosavr]

I find I relate to a lot of things you post.

My mind keeps changing about sucide like yours.

With identity it mostly Sexuality and gender and my feminine side.

I keep back flipping with what I think I want, and don't know if my feelings are real, similiar to you. It makes things really hard to proceed with life. Particularly when I'm impulsive enough act in thoughts (going in hormones) without being sure of my own identity.

I actually took an online class about indetifying identity last week. It feels like a year ago and can't remember much from it (brain tripped out). The second class is this week tho and it usually get more into grit of jt - so hopefully I will find it useful. I will let you know if I have any tips lol.

Is this something you're working through with your therapist? I know identity problems is common challenge for many, so I imagine there must be some form of therapy for it that might help?

Thank you for this reply! And I'm really sorry you also feel this way.
I haven't talked about it to my therapist yet, I guess I didn't really realize it before and I really suck at starting new topics on my own, she kind of leads me and I just follow along with what she decides to talk about. Currently we have a break for 3 weeks so maybe I'll try to talk about it when I see her again…
By the way, damn it, I'lol have to give her the satisfaction to see me doing worse without her help Which also makes me feel like a fool because 1) it means I get easily manipulated 2) maybe I actually need therapy more than I think, even if its good effects are just a delusion

 

[theboy]

existential questions we have all had

 

[Redleaf1992]

Thank you for this reply! And I'm really sorry you also feel this way.
I haven't talked about it to my therapist yet, I guess I didn't really realize it before and I really suck at starting new topics on my own, she kind of leads me and I just follow along with what she decides to talk about. Currently we have a break for 3 weeks so maybe I'll try to talk about it when I see her again…
By the way, damn it, I'lol have to give her the satisfaction to see me doing worse without her help Which also makes me feel like a fool because 1) it means I get easily manipulated 2) maybe I actually need therapy more than I think, even if its good effects are just a delusion

TBF I think just having someone to unload on makes any of us feel better to an extent.

I imagine being able to identify what your underlying challenges are and being able to take that to him/her will be alot more benifical that him guessing the roots causes.

You can spin it that you have decided you're the one now in charge directing the session Like the 'look at me I am the captain now' meme lol