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Andrews

Andrews

Member
Jan 1, 2024
43
Are you able to identify the exact thought / moment that makes you wanna ctb?

Today after about 10 minutes of walking my knees said No and at that exact point I said "there's no way I can live the rest of my life like this, I don't like it inside, neither outside because of the knee pain, then where am I supposed to live?" bla bla bla :))
It felt pretty hopeless and then all of the memories of me walking all across the city and the regret. That's how it is nowadays... what about you guys, are you able to find like an antidote in that moment?
 
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Ociv

Ociv

Older On The Inside
Mar 29, 2024
75
I always have this same thought pop up.

Any time I am at work or am doing anything difficult that I don't want to do, I think "why am I putting myself through this?"

any time my answer is "I have to in order to keep living", I instantly feel completely dead inside, and the only thing that ever brings me a modicum of comfort in those moments is thinking of dying.

Suffering so that I can live on to suffer more to live on to suffer more... it's a cycle I want no part of, and all I can think about in that moment is how much I want out of it.
 
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RosesFlourish

RosesFlourish

There’s a chance I could make it
Feb 16, 2024
55
Anytime I hear something from the news, particularly politics
People tell me I'm being irresponsible by not paying attention, but the really major stuff trickles down to me anyway. And I don't have a lot of influence. Why vote for any candidates if I don't like any of them?

I just can't handle a constant barrage of bad news and misinformation. I'll never watch major tv news channels like Fox News. My YouTube recommendations are all about video games, music and tv shows.
 
tronix

tronix

Member
Mar 23, 2024
62
For years I stopped considering suicide and it came back when all of a sudden I was left by someone who I love and believed I'm loved back. I had plans for life, I felt wanted and taken care of. I had someone to rely on, to talk to and to build something together. All my friends have their lives, their families. I don't get along with my parents, I don't talk with my brother. There's noone with whom I could spend weekends or afternoons, not until one of my friends will find time for me and I don't want to feel like it's some kind of a duty to anyone to make me feel better.
So yes, loneliness and lack of perspectives makes me have suicidal thoughts. I'm scared of living this life in solitude.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
134
Mostly trauma recalls, and my triggering it on my own via intrusive thoughts. Specifically, and excuse my language, "I fucked up I fucked up. I know I was just a kid (sexual abuse) and it wasn't my fault but I fucked up my health, my relationships, my future, and I am so fucked up by the thing to fix me (trauma from therapy) I am just setting myself up to kill myself. My life is a self fulfilling prophesy, I need to die. I can't take these thoughts. How can I live like this?!"

I am generally not suicidial until I think about them. Even after distracting myself it takes at least half an hour for it to go away. If it doesn't go away after a bit of time, I think deeper and deeper and even consider just doing it.

Most of the time I have these thoughts in an area I can't actually CTB with full efficiency, but having them at home is the worst because I have a direct plan.

Taking a shower or playing videogames eases the thoughts just enough for me to sleep and hopefully it goes away when I wake up.