I'd rather die but I'll try ... again

[hughmun9]

Got my SN, and honestly I'm so so so very tempted to take it, but at the same time I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. When I think of starting my fast and taking my SN, my next immediate feeling is a bit of relief followed by deep disappointment and sadness. "That was it?, Such a disappointing, insignificant little life this was." Conversely when I think of living, my next immediate feeling is one of deep disappointment and sadness. "So I have to keep existing... I thought this was about to end."

I don't feel particularly compelled to go one way or the other, but I do think that making such a permanent choice as CTB-ing while feeling so ambivalent about it is unwise.

I don't want to live. I don't like it. I haven't liked it for a while, besides a few moments here and there last year. But those moments have existed. And, this is debatable but I have a somewhat functioning brain. So I could retrace my steps, analyze, do something to experience something like that again. At the very least I can try.

I'll start to look for some volunteering opportunities, eat a bit healthier and take it from there.

 

[otomedissection]

Nothing wrong with giving things another chance. I hope you can find a path that serves you best.

 

[memo]

I can really relate to the "this was it?" feeling, I really hoped for more growing up

 

[peacebenow]

this sounds really good. I am wishing you the very best. take it one step at a time.

 

[NZkiwi]

ll start to look for some volunteering opportunities

What volunteering opportunties were you looking for?

 

[never mind me]

I can relate. I experienced this state of mind of not wanting to die, but also not wanting to live a few times in my life and it really sucks.
I hope you can find something to make your life more enjoyable .

 

[darksouls]

I wish you all the best with your recovery

 

[hughmun9]

What volunteering opportunties were you looking for?

So far the only one that caught my eye was a tutoring one. Tutoring underpriviledged kids on maths. I was a teaching assistant for one of my computer science modules in uni and I remember that I really loved it. Though my brain atrophied quite a bit since then...

 

[StarryEyed]

The only thing that keeps me alive is the thought that I can give my life to others since I don't want my life. So that's what I do. And I hate my life, but it's not mine to live anymore. I accept my life is full of suffering. But at least I can be of service to others. There are still plenty of days filled with suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thinking hits me at least a little practically every day. But I push through. Maybe one day I can't push through anymore. But I will try as long as I can.

So, yeah, maybe the volunteer math tutoring is a good idea, to use your life to help others.