Venting I'd love if i wasnt who i was

[GhostgirlWannadie]

The worst part is that i've actually started to feel a level of hope for the future. The entire last 2 weeks for me have been so up and down. I feel good one day, almost actually proud and then like an hour later I'm making plans to hang myself. I keep getting reminded of reasons i should die.

Being trans makes me wish i could just end. I've tried voice training for over a year and it feels like there's no chance I'll ever have a voice that passes. Seeing other women and knowing i could never be accepted like them or be like them. Even near other trans women I feel like an impostor. Someone told me i don't have the maneurisms of a girl and i hate thinking she might be right. I hate even walking since what if people think i walk like a male.

I've had constant violent thoughts. I've even had extremely impulsive and intrusive thoughts about hurting my cats. I love my cats. I haven't actually done anything to them and they're not scared of me but what kind of fucked up person would think of that? I've thought about hurting people. I'm just horrible.

 

[coralreefer]

I don't think you are an awful person. I did hurt animals and other children when I was young because of a lack of empathy and I've never regretted thinking about hurting someone or actually hurting anyone. If you feel guilty for something you haven't even done, then ur definitely not a bad person. I mean you care for your cats right, take care of them and stuff?

I personally don't see any value to life or experiencing things so I get wanting to die, but I don't believe that you should think you deserve death, if that makes sense. You can't control your thoughts and you're still a good person. And don't give up on being a woman, you are beautiful just the way you are, don't let other people dissuade you from being who you want to be.