i would probably stop being suicidal if I had a job

[ultrasharpy123456]

I think I'd still buy a gun and SN (if it's still around by then) buy if i had a job I could keep for the rest of my life I think I'd stop being suicidal. Just a boring job. I hope my mom can help get one by then.

 

[Sick of it all]

I just started a job a couple of days ago and it does keep my mind occupied but alas I'm still on SaSu after work. I'd probably be on it at work if I was allowed to use my phone. I'm still suicidal, a job didn't change that for me. Hope you find a job that has a different outcome for you.

 

[lifeORdeath]

I have a job, one I like. It's the fear of losing it and everything I've worked for and my family suffering. That's the sucky part and what pushes me over the edge when I think too deeply and imagine it happening. My mind is this cloudy crystal ball and says it's gonna be bad. I hope it's wrong. But at the rate I go now, I won't get to find out when fear takes over.

 

[Justnotme]

I don't understand at all how people are distracted from their thoughts by work. I hate working, and I just don't have the energy, I hardly even walk down the street. In 2 weeks I can go outside only 1 time or not go out at all, and here people also talk about work... I'm shocked. It makes me feel even worse at work because it makes so little sense. I go to work with great difficulty, because for about 6-7 years I have not been able to get together and do what I sincerely want to do: die. At work, I ALWAYS want to die and physically it's hard for me even to get out of bed..
I hate this duality in myself
I hate that it is very difficult for me to leave "life" behind, because I think about my family, that it will be bad for them ;(

 

[lifeORdeath]

I don't understand at all how people are distracted from their thoughts by work. I hate working, and I just don't have the energy, I hardly even walk down the street. In 2 weeks I can go outside only 1 time or not go out at all, and here people also talk about work... I'm shocked. It makes me feel even worse at work because it makes so little sense. I go to work with great difficulty, because for about 6-7 years I have not been able to get together and do what I sincerely want to do: die. At work, I ALWAYS want to die and physically it's hard for me even to get out of bed..
I hate this duality in myself
I hate that it is very difficult for me to leave "life" behind, because I think about my family, that it will be bad for them ;(

I feel like that every morning and want to die throughout the day. Sometimes I get busy by someone else asking for help and I am helpful by nature so it distracts me. It used to please me to help. Now it saddens me because I wonder who will help when I'm gone. Then I go back to my cave I work out of and sit and dwell over my problems. Outside of work and offing myself and how it will hurt my family.
I work cuz my family needs me to and if I didn't I would def kill myself quicker.

I took a leave of absence after my psych ward stint. That time left me alone to myself and I went into a darker deeper hole than before.

From panic and anxiety to straight up death wishes and attempts.
It was hard going back.
I still have mornings I can't get out of bed from Anxiety and worry. I text my boss and say maybe be in afternoon. He pretty much knows I'm out all day and maybe the next and something eating me up. At least he understands..for now anyway.

I don't haVe enough sick days to keep this up at the pace I'm at.

If I didn't have a fam. I would quit doing whay i used to enjoy at my job, and stay in bed all day until I decided to wreck myself.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I just started a job a couple of days ago and it does keep my mind occupied but alas I'm still on SaSu after work. I'd probably be on it at work if I was allowed to use my phone. I'm still suicidal, a job didn't change that for me. Hope you find a job that has a different outcome for you.

I don't understand at all how people are distracted from their thoughts by work. I hate working, and I just don't have the energy, I hardly even walk down the street. In 2 weeks I can go outside only 1 time or not go out at all, and here people also talk about work... I'm shocked. It makes me feel even worse at work because it makes so little sense. I go to work with great difficulty, because for about 6-7 years I have not been able to get together and do what I sincerely want to do: die. At work, I ALWAYS want to die and physically it's hard for me even to get out of bed..
I hate this duality in myself
I hate that it is very difficult for me to leave "life" behind, because I think about my family, that it will be bad for them ;(

yeah. me I'm complicated. I used to not want to work and I guess not working is fine and all but how am I gonna survive you know? I dunno just wish I had some SN. Hope you feel better soon.

 

[almaranthine]

Job may have helped me but I hadn't been working for so many months that my social anxiety was at an all time high and I lasted 3 days... it wasn't even a hard job, just simple cashiering. The store didn't have a phone at the register to be able to page for help though so any time something went wrong (often) you had to physically leave the register and try to hunt down a supervisor... which was absolutely nerve wracking to me. Plus I fucked up giving change. I was so bad. The experience made me hate myself that much more.

 

[Cathy Ames]

yeah. me I'm complicated. I used to not want to work and I guess not working is fine and all but how am I gonna survive you know? I dunno just wish I had some SN. Hope you feel better soon.

You won't know until you try it. Sometimes getting into a new environment and doing something different (around new people) can be helpful. Like, it can sometimes give you a little break from your thoughts or something like that. It probably won't magically fix everything but it's worth trying.

 

[FuneralCry]

I view working as just being a slave to the society personally, and something that would just cause more suffering but everyone's different after all. But it's understandable wanting to have a method by your side just in case, I think that it can make life more bearable for people knowing that they have a way out and they don't feel as trapped here anymore.

 

[rationaltake]

I view working as just being a slave to the society personally, and something that would just cause more suffering but everyone's different after all. But it's understandable wanting to have a method by your side just in case, I think that it can make life more bearable for people knowing that they have a way out and they don't feel as trapped here anymore.

Some people have to work in order to obtain food and shelter. That's reality. Work or starve on the street.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I view working as just being a slave to the society personally, and something that would just cause more suffering but everyone's different after all. But it's understandable wanting to have a method by your side just in case, I think that it can make life more bearable for people knowing that they have a way out and they don't feel as trapped here anymore.

I'm fine with not working it's just it'd be nice to afford some things. I went out to food lion the other day and bought golden oreos and some chicken tenders and you know it actually made me happy that I could buy something.

If I could somehow get my tourniquet to work or if I used my mom's money to buy some SN I would use either of the 2 but the tourniquet is kinda hard to get right and with SN I don't wanna use my mom's money. I dunno. We'll see.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people have to work in order to obtain food and shelter. That's reality. Work or starve on the street.

Yes, I obviously know that but the point that I was trying to make in my post is that having a job cannot make everyone not be suicidal anymore, it would only make some people stop being suicidal like the OP (as this is what this thread is about after all). In fact for some people working is why they want to ctb in the first place.

 

[Xav]

... In fact for some people working is why they want to ctb in the first place.

Yes it's my case. And I'm too old and tired to find a better one.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I just feel like my family just does not understand what it's like to want to not exist. And even if they do they can't help me because assisted suicide s against the law. Ngl I'm really tempted to just use my moms card to buy some sn.

 

[makethepainstop]

To me my life is hell, I might have to go back to my old job just to stay afloat. Social security sux!

 

[jjwtn26]

For me having a job makes me much more suicidal than I would be otherwise. Without a job life would still be pointless, boring, depressing, painful, etc but I think I could at least tolerate it. With a job life is complete misery and nonstop drudgery. I want to die constantly when I'm at my job. I agree with funeralcry that it's like being a slave to society.

 

[hellispink]

I could buy a lot of things if I worked. Buying gives me some neurotransmitters that my pooor brain cannot even do. But itself is not enough to be here for years just because to feel empty. It would take me to stop being me for this to stop.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I could buy a lot of things if I worked. Buying gives me some neurotransmitters that my pooor brain cannot even do. But itself is not enough to be here for years just because to feel empty. It would take me to stop being me for this to stop.

Personally I think this is just like funeralcry (alsmost), it's my viewpoint, and I think is the second best answer. I wish I saw what people see in life. I mean well I guess I do but my view of life is different. I'd like to do some things before I stop existing (not even dying, but existing altogether). There's things I like to do that I can't in this life.

 

[SamTam33]

This is what I learned from quitting my job: the problems don't go away whether you work or not. They just morph and transfer.

When I was working, I couldn't stand for people to see me. I had the type of job that required me to lead endless meetings and give presentations. I was paralyzed some mornings and couldn't get out of the car.

With no job, no one sees me but now I'm paralyzed by how little savings I have left.

Instead of worrying about what to say in meetings, I worry about how much it's going to cost to repair my HVAC unit.

Instead of loathing my coworkers, ALLLL of that energy is now focused on loathing myself, and myself alone.

I don't have to prep for presentations anymore, but I have to prep for losing my house. One guess as to which one is worse.

Now, instead of gritting my teeth as I make my way down to the office lobby to retrieve my food delivery, I skip lunch altogether. If I can omit 4 meals a week, I can save X amount of money.

Without a job to distract you and/or pay for the stupid shit it takes to live - the hopelessness of your situation is on full display 24/7.

Before I quit, I thought putting on a facade and pretending to be halfway normal was the hardest thing in life. Nope.

The hardest thing in life is not having a single reason to pretend. Not a single reason to brush your teeth. Not one reason to stop crying; and not having the courage or the means to end it.

Working doesn't necessarily make things better, but it serves as a paid distraction since you're too much of a pansy to do what you REALLY want to do.... Die.

 

[lifeORdeath]

Job may have helped me but I hadn't been working for so many months that my social anxiety was at an all time high and I lasted 3 days... it wasn't even a hard job, just simple cashiering. The store didn't have a phone at the register to be able to page for help though so any time something went wrong (often) you had to physically leave the register and try to hunt down a supervisor... which was absolutely nerve wracking to me. Plus I fucked up giving change. I was so bad. The experience made me hate myself that much more.

Yeah cashier is. Thankless job and underpaid for the folks you gotta put up with too.
I had to cook take orders and cashier when I was a teen. And sometimes do the dishes too.
Hope you find something your looking for.

This is what I learned from quitting my job: the problems don't go away whether you work or not. They just morph and transfer.

When I was working, I couldn't stand for people to see me. I had the type of job that required me to lead endless meetings and give presentations. I was paralyzed some mornings and couldn't get out of the car.

With no job, no one sees me but now I'm paralyzed by how little savings I have left.

Instead of worrying about what to say in meetings, I worry about how much it's going to cost to repair my HVAC unit.

Instead of loathing my coworkers, ALLLL of that energy is now focused on loathing myself, and myself alone.

I don't have to prep for presentations anymore, but I have to prep for losing my house. One guess as to which one is worse.

Now, instead of gritting my teeth as I make my way down to the office lobby to retrieve my food delivery, I skip lunch altogether. If I can omit 4 meals a week, I can save X amount of money.

Without a job to distract you and/or pay for the stupid shit it takes to live - the hopelessness of your situation is on full display 24/7.

Before I quit, I thought putting on a facade and pretending to be halfway normal was the hardest thing in life. Nope.

The hardest thing in life is not having a single reason to pretend. Not a single reason to brush your teeth. Not one reason to stop crying; and not having the courage or the means to end it.

Working doesn't necessarily make things better, but it serves as a paid distraction since you're too much of a pansy to do what you REALLY want to do.... Die.

So true. I hope my folks don't have to face this if something opens to me (die or whatever else). I hope I don't end up being a cause for them to feel this pain too. That would be the regret that drives me over the edge.

I have gone those days without brushing teeth, washing, changing clothes, eating. Frozen, in a bed staring I ti nothing while my mind taxes away to worst scenario and vividly picturing it into reality. To the point I was afraid to close my ears because I would hear the crying and see the agony, or despair, or disappointment that I made. I could feel the heartache of my own and others.

Your right work is a distraction. If it all gets ripped away by someone or something else it's even worse. If not for folks depending on me, I would have been gone more than likely. I have no wants anymore. No desires. I was almost dead. And I love seeing their faces still, but part of me wishes I would have left this Earth.

Guess we will see. Time is ticking away either way, days getting less. Just how soon, is my question with not an answer yet. Hope you get all you want. Thanks for sharing

 

[LaVieEnRose]

This might be an unpopular take but as a disabled person I think being able to work period and having a job are blessings. People talk about being a "wage slave" but try often fail tl appreciate that that life isn't even accessible to everyone.