I would like to die, but am not suicidal enough at the moment

[SuicideMania]

Anyone else experiences such states?

 

[Spite]

This is how I feel practically every single day.

 

[Carrot]

I'd like to be dead as well, skipping the dying part too

 

[enso]

Anyone else experiences such states?

Hi!

It is called passive suicidal ideation, so, yeah, it's a common thing!

How long have you been experiencing it? Have you tried going to psychologist/psychiatrist?

 

[Jonah Byrde]

Recovery may be possible for you in that case.

 

[SuicideMania]

Hi!

It is called passive suicidal ideation, so, yeah, it's a common thing!

How long have you been experiencing it? Have you tried going to psychologist/psychiatrist?

I've been actively and passively suicidal for already several years. I've been to therapy twice, one inpatient, one outpatient, but I'm still relapsing and deeply suffering. You can read about it in my other thread. I've been strongly suicidal last week, but suddenly, out of nowhere, it became passive.
Although I'm currently having a rope in my backpack, so don't know whether it's really passive, lol.

 

[enso]

Thanks for your response!

I've read your previous thread, I am sorry, that you had to go trough such things.

Guilt is, indeed, something that can be ingrained in ourselves as a result of our life experiences.

Do you live with your parents at the moment? Is so, is there a chance that you can move somewhere else?

Earlier you also said, that you still have feeling of being watched by higher entity. Is this entity resembles with Christ or is it some other deity? How do you think, why, considering your changes of view on religion, it is still important for you at the moment?

Anyway, the more you go away from this hard experience with religion, the more you will feel less influence of it in your life. You can go out to atheism gradually, for example, starting from Buddhism, there is no deity at all.
Or you can just learn more about evolution, psychology of your thoughts, it will make some things more clear. How do you look on that?

The main thing is do not blame yourself for any previous, current or future events. There is no use in guilt at all, because at every moment, why do you act the way you act?
When you listened to your parents and confessed in church, could you really not obey them at the moment? Considering your mental state, age, culture and many more factors, you did the only way you could.


And about that rope in your backpack...you know, I really like, what Emil Cioran said on this: "I live only because it is in my power to die when I choose to: without the idea of suicide, I'd have killed myself right away".
I think, maybe, it can be useful to you to learn his books a little bit, because he was born in Romania, very religious, Orthodox Christian country and them emigrated to France. He became atheist too, but he just couldn't let go of that idea of god, so he directly and indirectly wrote much about this topic.

 

[SuicideMania]

Thanks for your response!

I've read your previous thread, I am sorry, that you had to go trough such things.

Guilt is, indeed, something that can be ingrained in ourselves as a result of our life experiences.

Do you live with your parents at the moment? Is so, is there a chance that you can move somewhere else?

Earlier you also said, that you still have feeling of being watched by higher entity. Is this entity resembles with Christ or is it some other deity? How do you think, why, considering your changes of view on religion, it is still important for you at the moment?

Anyway, the more you go away from this hard experience with religion, the more you will feel less influence of it in your life. You can go out to atheism gradually, for example, starting from Buddhism, there is no deity at all.
Or you can just learn more about evolution, psychology of your thoughts, it will make some things more clear. How do you look on that?

The main thing is do not blame yourself for any previous, current or future events. There is no use in guilt at all, because at every moment, why do you act the way you act?
When you listened to your parents and confessed in church, could you really not obey them at the moment? Considering your mental state, age, culture and many more factors, you did the only way you could.


And about that rope in your backpack...you know, I really like, what Emil Cioran said on this: "I live only because it is in my power to die when I choose to: without the idea of suicide, I'd have killed myself right away".
I think, maybe, it can be useful to you to learn his books a little bit, because he was born in Romania, very religious, Orthodox Christian country and them emigrated to France. He became atheist too, but he just couldn't let go of that idea of god, so he directly and indirectly wrote much about this topic.

I'm fully atheist now, and don't need gradual steps. The thing is that the fear imprinted on my mind, and the feeling of being watched, didn't come away. And yes, it is a Christian god, and my home is full of these religious symbols, because I'm still living with my parents. Currently hoping for the financial help from the state, but I doubt it will be enough to move out though.
As for Cioran, I'm familiar with his thought, although haven't read any of his books.

 

[enso]

I'm fully atheist now, and don't need gradual steps. The thing is that the fear imprinted on my mind, and the feeling of being watched, didn't come away. And yes, it is a Christian god, and my home is full of these religious symbols, because I'm still living with my parents. Currently hoping for the financial help from the state, but I doubt it will be enough to move out though.
As for Cioran, I'm familiar with his thought, although haven't read any of his books.

That's good to know! You've made a lot of progress if you could abolish religion while still being in such environment!

You know, I can suggest trying to transform this idea of omnipresent god into something different. It will not be belief, but some inner changing of wrapping of canonical Christianity. There is Gnosticism, Cioran even wrote a book "The Evil Demiurge" too. Well, idea is that the god from the old testament is demiurge, who likes people's suffering, this is main idea, why this material world was created in first place. To collect gavvah - energy of suffering. Gnosticism also believes in reincarnation, so no soul would leave this world, that' why this old testament god also asks to reproduce and multiply. And Christ is different figure, he is part of "Pleroma" and tries to educate people that "the kingdom of Heaven is within you" and the true god is love and acceptance without any conditions. So people can be salvaged through "second birth" by gaining gnosis (knowledge). Well, you can read it, if you are interested.
It can change interpretation of previous memories that linked to church, for example.

Anyway, I wish you the best in getting possibility to move out from your parents, so you can feel better!