Venting I would ctb immediately if it weren't for my parents and few friends.

[aiuto]

Hello everyone.
As the title says I would definitely ctb asap if it weren't for the thought of leaving a lot of sadness into my parents and in some friends.
All my logical thinking points me into ctb, it's the only way out. On the other hand I hate making people suffer in general and my death would definitely make someone suffer.
I do not know how to overcome this feeling does anyone have some suggestions?

 

[Ghost2211]

Sorry I have no suggestions in this department since three tiny humans are why I keep getting up every morning.

 

[Gogorun]

I think that only people that feel nothing are those that do it impulsively in the very pits of despair/grief/anger or those that actually have no real love for their family and friends.

The way I try to push mine into the back of my head is Remembering that everyone but me within my immediate family is looking to the future. My parents want to go on a cruise over the summer, my sister is planning baby #2 and so on. I can't see further than 24 hours and I have decided that I just can't keep living like this.

 

[vrotka]

I'm in an exact same situation where only my parents and closest friends "keep me alive".

The only time where I was able to almost fully ignore those feelings was when I getting ready to ctb and I was thinking about how they all have things to look forward to, much better lives and they will be fine after a while and how I won't be there to see their reactions anyway. Despite being almost out of hope it STILL felt like I'm a horrible person for trying to see things in this way. In the end I couldnt get over it so I chickened out and called off my plans for ctb

 

[WhiteEyes]

same I think

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have the same struggle.

 

[Gogorun]

I feel so awful. My Dad calls me daily for at least an hour talking to me and encouraging me. Telling me he loves me more than he loves himself and he is ready to give his life for mine.
How on earth do I do this?
I don't want to stay. The only way I can remain here is by being a vegetable. Eat, sleep, watch TV and no human interaction. Could I get up and get on with life? Yes I could. Prior to August 2019 I was thriving and happy and had never had a suicidal thought in my life. I had everything I wanted. I have lost my sense of self. I hate that I have the most loving family that I have ever met. I truly wish nobody cared about me. I predict that my father will pass on within a year if my CTB. He will never be able to deal with it. I am his favorite child and he has admitted that to me since I started struggling with depression....but that's something everyone knew. My siblings were all aware of the edge I had.
I had the perfect life and I fucked it up and I just can't get past it. My family is very religious and I too am spiritual and believe in God. I just don't know what to do. This will be unthinkable. But I just hate myself so much. It's impossible to revert to a normal life. I am always so angry. I feel trapped. My Dad will never get over this and this will mark the end of him.
How can I ever get peace without literally ending his life?

 

[Inferdan]

Hello everyone.
As the title says I would definitely ctb asap if it weren't for the thought of leaving a lot of sadness into my parents and in some friends.
All my logical thinking points me into ctb, it's the only way out. On the other hand I hate making people suffer in general and my death would definitely make someone suffer.
I do not know how to overcome this feeling does anyone have some suggestions?

I feel the same way as you. I hate dealing pain out to others from whatever choice I do. Lately, I've come to terms that there is no avoiding it. Pain will happen. Whether it be from confessing, discovery of plans/ctb stuff, disappearance, finding the body...there is no avoiding it. So I've placed it as two choices. To suffer living for friends/parents/etc. to help them through what they need, or simply to be there, or to end it, and allow them to mourn for your death/disappearance. Currently, I'm fighting for a will to live that is slowly plummeting, and shall soon have to make a decision.

If a decision goes against your comforts, take it as a process. First, stay with them, only until the time is right, then, let go. I am exhausted, and have worded my thoughts as best I could. I do hope it has some use to you.

 

[Let'sgetoutofHERE]

I feel the same way

 

[C14]

It is a really cruel "us or them" scenario. Either have to be dragged along and watch your parents wither away for what likely will be 30 more years, or ctb and let them deal with the aftermath. I feel like I am the one getting short changed, as their time perception is faster, they have each other for emotional support, and they also have my siblings to accompany them. They also chose to bring me into this world.

On the other hand, my mother is a really good parent and I would hate for her to endure depression for the rest of her life. I fucking hate existing.

Edit: furthermore, one of my parents will likely die long before the other, so another thought I had is that they would have to experience such loss at one time or another either way.

 

[HannahB]

I try to think about it like this.

You cannot decide someone elses feelings, and you cannot avoid your truth to manage their feelings. For you to think that robs them the opportunity to learn, grow, and be human. For example, if I decide some chick will reject me if I go talk to her I have decided her future and her reaction. I robbed her of the chance to connect in a meaningful way.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Like so many others, I can't offer any suggestions to get over this.

During my first time wrestling with ctb, it was my nieces. I didn't want them thinking of me as the crazy aunt who didn't love them and killed herself.

The last 15 years or so, its been my husband. He would be utterly devastated.

I will tell you, though, that for my last attempt a few years ago, nothing and no one could have stopped me. I consider that to be how I'll know it's time again.

 

[GottaGo]

I feel so awful. My Dad calls me daily for at least an hour talking to me and encouraging me. Telling me he loves me more than he loves himself and he is ready to give his life for mine.
How on earth do I do this?
I don't want to stay. The only way I can remain here is by being a vegetable. Eat, sleep, watch TV and no human interaction. Could I get up and get on with life? Yes I could. Prior to August 2019 I was thriving and happy and had never had a suicidal thought in my life. I had everything I wanted. I have lost my sense of self. I hate that I have the most loving family that I have ever met. I truly wish nobody cared about me. I predict that my father will pass on within a year if my CTB. He will never be able to deal with it. I am his favorite child and he has admitted that to me since I started struggling with depression....but that's something everyone knew. My siblings were all aware of the edge I had.
I had the perfect life and I fucked it up and I just can't get past it. My family is very religious and I too am spiritual and believe in God. I just don't know what to do. This will be unthinkable. But I just hate myself so much. It's impossible to revert to a normal life. I am always so angry. I feel trapped. My Dad will never get over this and this will mark the end of him.
How can I ever get peace without literally ending his life?

I'm so sorry to hear that :((. Have you tried professional help? I mean I know most people here have tried professional help and it's not working but I gotta ask. You sound like you can have a good support network if you do decide to stay. But whatever happens, this is our life and we need to be responsible for it. And others need to be responsible for theirs. CTB is just messy by nature, there really isn't a way around hurting others when we CTB.

 

[Let'sgetoutofHERE]

I feel so awful. My Dad calls me daily for at least an hour talking to me and encouraging me. Telling me he loves me more than he loves himself and he is ready to give his life for mine.
How on earth do I do this?
I don't want to stay. The only way I can remain here is by being a vegetable. Eat, sleep, watch TV and no human interaction. Could I get up and get on with life? Yes I could. Prior to August 2019 I was thriving and happy and had never had a suicidal thought in my life. I had everything I wanted. I have lost my sense of self. I hate that I have the most loving family that I have ever met. I truly wish nobody cared about me. I predict that my father will pass on within a year if my CTB. He will never be able to deal with it. I am his favorite child and he has admitted that to me since I started struggling with depression....but that's something everyone knew. My siblings were all aware of the edge I had.
I had the perfect life and I fucked it up and I just can't get past it. My family is very religious and I too am spiritual and believe in God. I just don't know what to do. This will be unthinkable. But I just hate myself so much. It's impossible to revert to a normal life. I am always so angry. I feel trapped. My Dad will never get over this and this will mark the end of him.
How can I ever get peace without literally ending his life?

You write that prior to August 2019 your life was perfect - what happened/ what did you do that made your life change so dramatically within just 6 months?

 

[squirtsoda]

I'm right there with you. I wish I could convince those people to accept my exit. Not like it, but accept it because they love me and it's what is best for me.

 

[faust]

My gf was stopping me from CTB. I know she will suffer when I CTB, but she will suffer anyway seeing me in such a condition for the rest of my life. So I might be just a burden for her

 

[Gogorun]

You write that prior to August 2019 your life was perfect - what happened/ what did you do that made your life change so dramatically within just 6 months?

I got botched by a careless doctor and subsequently my relationship ended due to my depression from being botched.

 

[Cevapcici]

I got botched by a careless doctor and subsequently my relationship ended due to my depression from being botched.

Meh, sorry to hear we have another life ruined by doctors here. You probably dodged a bullet though... If someone walks away from you/restrains because you're depressed... especially due to a malpractice..well they probably don't deserve a relationship to begin with. I had no idea what exactly happened though...


@aiuto sorry op I have no solution for ya. Not only your death will make people suffer, but there's plenty of terrible people out there who will live looooooong lives and bring destruction and suffering everywhere they go.

 

[Emily123]

one reason that I don't ctb is my mom . I don't wnat her to look for me for a while and find me death .

 

[SingleSeraph]

I feel the same way too. I have two close friends who I talk about my issues but I have an identical twin brother. We are almost inseparable so the thought of me wanting to CTB gets held back mainly due to him.