i wonder what it's like to be loved

[salamid]

i don't think I'll ever experience being loved for who I am.

My family seems to love me somewhat which I know is more than what some people have but it feels like my mom pretends to love me because she feels like she has to, because anything else would be socially unacceptable. In any case I can clearly tell I'm the least favorite child of 3 by far.

I don't think that even counts as love, it's not meaningful in any way. Being "loved" just by coincidence of being related, and not for who you are as a person, can hardly be called "love".

I can't even make friends. It's all probably because I'm autistic and socially awkward. I can't even talk to a cashier without stuttering. I try to hide it but at the end of the day everyone I meet can notice pretty quickly that I'm a loser.

Recently I've tried fixing my sleep schedule but waking up at 10am instead of 4pm doesn't help when I can't get myself to get out of bed anyway. Maybe I need to ctb

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Nah. The bus isn't going to pick you up if the driver sees that you're still thrashing about in discontent about your life. The bus is for those who have run out of fucks to give and believe me when I say that you do not want to be in that position. Why do you think some people opted to jump into train tracks instead of just poisoning themselves? They really couldn't give a shit about others anymore. Imma say it loud and proud, it's a selfish state to achieve in a life that is too short to spend being alone and bitter of the world around you.

Also, parents do have favorites. I can tell! I have two older brothers. I'm a girl myself and the youngest. My eldest and older brother would get everything they want: bikes, cameras, laptops, and phones. Me? I never got to be spoiled with the big gifts AND it always felt like my father just didn't know what to do with me, a female child. He's always closer to his sons so I kind of just stood on the sidelines for him. It sucks. He died already but I still think about the very little interactions we had. It never felt like he was honestly content talking to me fr fr

Maybe it's the Asian culture where patriarchy is upheld? Idk. Anyways, you asked how being loved feels.

With my family, love feels like availability. I never had many friends. Only a few close ones so I would spend more time at home with my family. That love is my ability to confide in my mother, my brothers laughing along with me, and my father TRYING to spend time with me no matter how uninteresting I was to him.

With my girlfriend who committed suicide as a user here, love feels like a hard day's work. Love feels like a labor that is worth something. I was someone to her and she was someone to me. I did everything I could and she did everything she could with her depression in tow.

I think I can receive love even if that love is not meant for me, you get me? Like a homophobic friend telling me that I'm their favorite person to talk to. Like my father telling me that he loves me only to limit interaction with me. I don't think people have to love me as me, it's already nice that they're there thinking of me and considering me a whole person that exists.

Yes, my standards are in hell.

 

[faraway_sayu]

i feel the same :(

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I thought I experienced true love once but it was nothing more than delusion. I thought my ex genuinely loved me, that he put up with all the extremes of my bpd out of genuine love and care. But he was just scared of me and too non confrontational to go against my disorder. I spent 8 months of my life believing I was genuinely loved. And knowing now that it all wasn't true makes me wonder if real love even exists.

 

[salamid]

Nah. The bus isn't going to pick you up if the driver sees that you're still thrashing about in discontent about your life. The bus is for those who have run out of fucks to give and believe me when I say that you do not want to be in that position. Why do you think some people opted to jump into train tracks instead of just poisoning themselves? They really couldn't give a shit about others anymore. Imma say it loud and proud, it's a selfish state to achieve in a life that is too short to spend being alone and bitter of the world around you.

Also, parents do have favorites. I can tell! I have two older brothers. I'm a girl myself and the youngest. My eldest and older brother would get everything they want: bikes, cameras, laptops, and phones. Me? I never got to be spoiled with the big gifts AND it always felt like my father just didn't know what to do with me, a female child. He's always closer to his sons so I kind of just stood on the sidelines for him. It sucks. He died already but I still think about the very little interactions we had. It never felt like he was honestly content talking to me fr fr

Maybe it's the Asian culture where patriarchy is upheld? Idk. Anyways, you asked how being loved feels.

With my family, love feels like availability. I never had many friends. Only a few close ones so I would spend more time at home with my family. That love is my ability to confide in my mother, my brothers laughing along with me, and my father TRYING to spend time with me no matter how uninteresting I was to him.

With my girlfriend who committed suicide as a user here, love feels like a hard day's work. Love feels like a labor that is worth something. I was someone to her and she was someone to me. I did everything I could and she did everything she could with her depression in tow.

I think I can receive love even if that love is not meant for me, you get me? Like a homophobic friend telling me that I'm their favorite person to talk to. Like my father telling me that he loves me only to limit interaction with me. I don't think people have to love me as me, it's already nice that they're there thinking of me and considering me a whole person that exists.

Yes, my standards are in hell.

It's nice that you can be content with being loved even if they aren't loving you for who you are, but I personally could never see that as love at all, and I couldn't care about that. I also disagree about ctb being only for people who "don't give a fuck". I think it certainly can be a reason to do it, but if your suffering outweighs your joy + SI, that's enough of a reason for me. Even if I wish that my life was better, when I don't it happening anytime soon, that's enough of a reason for me.

I want to be loved not even necessarily by a girlfriend or anything. Even a friend liking me for who I am as a person would be enough. But I guess I'm just not a loveable person which sucks. That's going to make my life miserable so why not just skip to the end?

 

[SoLowHollow48]

I thought I experienced true love once but it was nothing more than delusion. I thought my ex genuinely loved me, that he put up with all the extremes of my bpd out of genuine love and care. But he was just scared of me and too non confrontational to go against my disorder. I spent 8 months of my life believing I was genuinely loved. And knowing now that it all wasn't true makes me wonder if real love even exists.

Hey, I think it was real. I think his love was real, girlie. It's just that some people are not accustomed to handling mentally ill people in their life so when he met you and felt responsible of your mental health, he tried everything even if he was unequipped to deal with your highs and lows. People can be scared and not say anything at all because they also didn't want to lose you. I've experienced this first-hand in your boyfriend's shoes.

I didn't know what to do with my ex's depression and it broke us. I became impatient and restrictive. I treated her like a caged animal, like a lion in a circus.

Perform for me! Make me feel loved! Even if it's too much for you! I've performed for you too!

You can see how unhealthy that was but you can also see that we were just two people in love and struggling and then losing in the end.

It's nice that you can be content with being loved even if they aren't loving you for who you are, but I personally could never see that as love at all, and I couldn't care about that. I also disagree about ctb being only for people who "don't give a fuck". I think it certainly can be a reason to do it, but if your suffering outweighs your joy + SI, that's enough of a reason for me. Even if I wish that my life was better, when I don't it happening anytime soon, that's enough of a reason for me.

I want to be loved not even necessarily by a girlfriend or anything. Even a friend liking me for who I am as a person would be enough. But I guess I'm just not a loveable person which sucks. That's going to make my life miserable so why not just skip to the end?

Alright, arguably, people who killed themselves can give too much fuck about others that they don't have any fucks left for themselves.

Have you tried communicating to your friends that you don't feel like you're included anymore? You don't feel like you're even a friend to them anymore? Sometimes, we must discuss things like this with them so that they'll know. If they drift away from you then they're not the real ones. I'm sad to tell you that you must find other people. I'm sad because it takes time and effort and it may fail again--but each friendship that we failed, I believe, brings us steps closer to the person that's supposed to be our friend.

At that point, we've learned so much more about ourselves and about other people. We've known about what we want and what boundaries are healthy to set for when we hang with others.

I don't think you're unloveable. You just haven't found someone who matches your freak yet. I haven't got one myself too. I had a best friend once then he found that he's more in-frequency with this other dude so I got left out. No big deal. I just keep rowing forward trying to find an island to dock, you know? Our lives do not have to end solely because we are left alone.

 

[salamid]

Hey, I think it was real. I think his love was real, girlie. It's just that some people are not accustomed to handling mentally ill people in their life so when he met you and felt responsible of your mental health, he tried everything even if he was unequipped to deal with your highs and lows. People can be scared and not say anything at all because they also didn't want to lose you. I've experienced this first-hand in your boyfriend's shoes.

I didn't know what to do with my ex's depression and it broke us. I became impatient and restrictive. I treated her like a caged animal, like a lion in a circus.

Perform for me! Make me feel loved! Even if it's too much for you! I've performed for you too!

You can see how unhealthy that was but you can also see that we were just two people in love and struggling and then losing in the end.

Alright, arguably, people who killed themselves can give too much fuck about others that they don't have any fucks left for themselves.

Have you tried communicating to your friends that you don't feel like you're included anymore? You don't feel like you're even a friend to them anymore? Sometimes, we must discuss things like this with them so that they'll know. If they drift away from you then they're not the real ones. I'm sad to tell you that you must find other people. I'm sad because it takes time and effort and it may fail again--but each friendship that we failed, I believe, brings us steps closer to the person that's supposed to be our friend.

At that point, we've learned so much more about ourselves and about other people. We've known about what we want and what boundaries are healthy to set for when we hang with others.

I don't think you're unloveable. You just haven't found someone who matches your freak yet. I haven't got one myself too. I had a best friend once then he found that he's more in-frequency with this other dude so I got left out. No big deal. I just keep rowing forward trying to find an island to dock, you know? Our lives do not have to end solely because we are left alone.

I have no friends. I don't think I'll ever find any

 

[SoLowHollow48]

I have no friends. I don't think I'll ever find any

Well, you're in a space where everyone is struggling with suicide now. Just like you. Most of the people I've met here are also neurodivergent so there's plenty of people you can try to befriend here. It is online but it's a good start.

I met mine a while back. He's from the Philippines and you know how similar the politics in Indonesia and the Philippines are. We bonded over our struggles being citizens of very corrupt nations and just went from there. I'm sure that you can find someone to be your penpal here.

 

[Sedfrg]

У мене є запитання - не тисніть, якщо не хочете відповідати. Який у вас порядок народження у вашій родині?