Venting I wish traumatic memories could just go away

[Namelesa]

I wish I didn't have traumatic memories from childhood, mostly about school. It was painfully time in my life the cause for why I was first suicidal with having to deal with long hours everyday of boring, stressful, repetitive torturous work under the anxiety and fear of having the teacher be angry or disappointed in me and shouting or punishing me. It was also really scary seeing other students getting shouted at. I feel like cus of school I have become so much emotional weaker and less able to deal with stress now.

Even tho school is all over sometimes seeing scenes in fiction or games of shouting, especially from authority figures like parents or teachers, or hearing about or seeing a school triggers me and makes me go all scared and go back to the times of being shouted at or the anxiety of trying not doing anything wrong so I am not punished or shouted at. I also still have nightmares about school sometimes. Why does does previous memories have to haunt me still? It doesn't serve me anymore as I am no longer in any educational and school ended 4 years ago.

I wish for these memories could just disappear so I could live better and not have to worry about sudden triggers like this from happening ever, especially with doing stuff I enjoy.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Worst part is when they just show up entirely unprompted by literally anything else. Like, I'm just eating a PBJ sandwhich, and I wonder "Motherfucker, why are you reminding me of this shit now?" The human brain is so ridiculous with it's "survival" mechanisms, like it can't process that "No, I am not in danger of that right now, please shut up and let me enjoy this modicum of dopamine please".

 

[ASilentHope]

I had similar experiences with my middle school guidance counselor. It really imprinted a distrust towards any kind of counselor. I work in a field that I'm a required mandated reporter, and my trauma really made me hesitate at first when a kiddo that really trusts me opened up about there suicidal ideations. It also delayed me reaching out for myself for nearly 16 years.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that.