Venting i wish to be reborn as someone better

[liverviper]

I don't know if this is a common thing at all, but sometimes when I'm scrolling twitter or instagram and I see someone with art I really like that's really popular, I start to get really jealous and just want to be them to the point that I'm thinking "if I ctb can I be reborn as them?"
Obviously, the easiest fix is getting offline, but if anything, that just makes me spiral deeper. I start thinking about how ahead I was as a child and how much I've fallen behind everyone. I want to be good at art like I used to be, I want to be good at sewing and cooking like I was years ago, but I get home from work and can only think about laying down and on my days off, I tell myself I'll clean up, but the AC has been broken for almost a year now, and just makes doing anything a pain. I'm in the south, so at the absolute coolest it's maybe 70 degrees. I try to tell myself that my life is just starting, but I've still already wasted so much of it. I can never go back to the childhood. I want to improve, but I'm scared of people looking over my shoulder and judging me.

 

[Kabalite]

Same. I am a terrible person who has done nothing but fail, make terrible decisions, and hurt the people that love me. I live in a subconscious state of regret, shame, guilt, fear and insecurity and I will never be happy. I am far too lazy, depressed, bitter and hateful to ever be anything else. I hope in another life I come back as someone better. Hopefully there I can make it up to everyone.

 

[liverviper]

Same. I am a terrible person who has done nothing but fail, make terrible decisions, and hurt the people that love me. I live in a subconscious state of regret, shame, guilt, fear and insecurity and I will never be happy. I am far too lazy, depressed, bitter and hateful to ever be anything else. I hope in another life I come back as someone better. Hopefully there I can make it up to everyone.

I feel that a ton, and I'm hoping there's some solace and knowing you're not alone. There was for me, at least

 

[Manfrotto99]

Well I'm envious of practically everyone....and I wish to be reborn as anyone except someone in a third country

I don't feel like I am to blame - im not perfect but who is? I know I tried with what little opportunities I had in life - at least I don't beat myself up about regrets and mistakes - we've all made them - but then again because I tried it kind of makes me feel even more a looser and I wish that I hadnt - as it would give me some excuse.

I feel like I'm constantly judged as being less than others because I have nothing and have achieved nothing - I'm totally ashamed to the extent I cannot walk out the door anymore and just long to rot away in the darkness while i wait and hope to overcome my SI and ctb.

It doesn't help that I'm so small either - I feel "looser" is written all over every milliscule of my body and that I'm just alive so people can mock and laugh and look down - while feeling superior about themselves. I have to wonder if this is my role in life.

 

[gentarouhongou]

Yesss I totally get it
It's especially so sad when you look at a photo of when you were a kid or something and you realize you're the same person but literally without anything he was destined to achieve. But to be fair, I do believe all kids have this sense of "potential" and latent achievement because they're kids. Like, I think nobody actually puts thought into that when they say that. People don't look at or consider the external sources that are so vital to a child's development like environment or family and the likes that would cause them to grow up so broken. So I'd say don't beat yourself too much for not reaching that so called "potential". The huge problem is when people like us endure so much trauma, especially in our developmental years all alone, any attempt you have at fixing things or achievement is only going to hurt you because you end up failing and you start to deep how you genuinely don't have the ability to do anything after all. So most of us reach this state of perpetual depression and we're unable to do anything but sleep, but while we're in this state of paralysis, the world and the privileged people around us are moving, progressing, and achieving at lightning speed. So at that point, just doing NOTHING also causes us torture and makes us even more behind than we already were, which makes things exponentially harder to fix and it gets to a point where no matter how much reflection you go into, things are practically unfixable, or not worth fixing because of how damn long and how much effort it would take through this hell you're already in just to break par.
I hope everyone in this thread finds purpose and peace <3

 

[Black Sheep One]

Reborn??? What a dreafull concept. Like one like is torture enough, we now have to repeat.. When did this madness start... go back a prevent it from starting....
If I had to reincarnatie, how about something else? Like a Dog, cat , horse, fish or a bird. May something else in the universe. It is quite large...