I wish these momentary suicidal feelings passed sooner

[trying ungracefully]

I'm just crying right now because something has me feeling so bad and suicidal with what I am thinking about. I know it will pass maybe but I wish it did sooner. Knowing me it is probably going to last the whole day with how the situation is going. Then it will get me to not want to do anything for days because I am so depressed from the situation.

I hate it. Things weren't going perfect but I was doing a lot better than I have been in a while like I was having minor successes in life. I don't want this to ruin it because of how I am when I can't handle something hard. I want to be all moody right now and just shut the blinds to get rid of the sun and curl up in bed doomscrolling.

When things go good it seems like I have to be reminded that it's not good and I just have to cope.

 

[struggles_inc]

Relapse is a part of healing, so it's ok and doesn't mean your progress is gone just because you still have recurring thoughts. Good thing you seem to be keeping it together and I really wish the best for you.
For me, small repetitive activities worked. I obsessively clean when I feel like I am about to fall into a suicidal pit again.