Venting I wish my dad had been a bigger part of my life

[g&hexmhn]

To clear things up, my dad isn't abusive. But he hasn't been a major part of my life. He moved out when I was 2 months old and we rarely visit each other since he lives across the world. When I was 6, my brother (who was 9) visited my dad alone for the first time. It was only for a week. He came back crying. Apparently, my dad got mad at my brother for forgetting the luggage even though it wasn't my brother's responsibility. The whole week was spent with them arguing. That was the first time I was genuinely afraid of my dad. He acts kind when my mother is around, but when we're left alone, he gets careless and forgets about us.

He also never paid as much attention to me as he did my two older brothers. I'm the only "girl" in my family (I'm trans ftm but he doesn't know). When I was a kid and asked my mom about it, she said it was because he didn't know how to take care of girls. As a result, I was neglected a lot by him. He doesn't know how to take care of kids, let alone a girl.

He's not a bad person. He can be really fun to be around and I still love him, but I rarely see him and whenever I think about him, I think about the bad things.

 

[L0nely]

I'm so sorry to hear that. That is really hard situation to be put in. Having a parent that doesn't want to be a part of your life / that isn't involved in your life when that's literally the only thing you need is very harsh. It can make you feel like an outcast, especially seeing your peers having "normal" families. It also really sucks to see your sibilings getting different treatment than you do, it hurts a lot and can easily fuck up your perception of your own self / lower your self esteem. Maybe he just struggles with who you are and maybe doesn't know how to express it or act around you. It's hard for other people to understand what others go through without being in their shoes. I really hope you both can completely open up to each other one day and that he listenes to you and wants to repair your relationship. I wish you all the best!