While I don't know your situation, I empathise in my own way;
I desperately wish my partner would hurt me/For me to be in another domestic violence situation. I feel, and maybe you relate, it would egg on the CTB date sooner, or give more of a "reason" to do it. At least, that's how it is for me.
Whatever your plans may be, I do hope your boyfriend still offers some comfort during this time, if it helps. You deserve love before and after death.