Venting I wish I was with an older man

[Mooncry]

But I wonder if it would even make me happy if I was.

My childhood was completely stolen from me, and as a result, I age regress and I have crippling daddy issues. I can't work due to mental illness and I'm completely supported by my boyfriend and his family.

I appreciate everything they all do for me, and it's not lost on me how good I have it, especially in this day and age. But I'm still so unhappy… Despite being a genuinely good person, my boyfriend's personality just doesn't click with mine. And I feel like my lifestyle only hinders him, so I don't think I'm a good match for him either. He's young and he should be with someone ambitious who can keep up with him where I can't. Someone who wants to grow their career and eventually have kids. I don't want kids, never ever will I want kids.

The little girl in me just wants a daddy figure to fill that void. I've always wanted a proper DD/lg dynamic with a guy who actually has the strong, mature personality for it. I've tried with my boyfriend and he just isn't the type, and that's okay. I accept him for who he is and I'd never want to change him, but I still don't know if we're right for each other.

Part of me really wants to actively look for an older guy who'd be interested in being that type of figure to me, but I'm also terrified of dominant personalities. I know there's those who are only out to prey on people like me with vulnerable headspaces, and going through the process of getting to know someone new and starting over is… scary. Not only scary, but it almost seems completely futile, like why go through all that effort with risk of it not working out when I can just die instead? If I kill myself rather than try, then all my problems would be solved without the risk.

I don't even think any man like who I'm looking for would want me, even if he was out there. A lazy, useless, introverted girl who can't hold a job because of anxiety and contributes nothing practical… Every time people meet me, they think I'm weird because of my autism and they don't give me a chance. I can't even say that I blame them… I probably wouldn't want to waste time on me either.

As shitty as it sounds, I look at my boyfriend's dad and I see the perfect man. He calls me "kiddo" and "sweetie" and talks to me like I'm little and he has no idea how much it hurts that I can't have him as my daddy. I'd never in a million years act on my feelings for him, he's married and I love my boyfriend's mom like she's my own mom. But it still fucking hurts that the perfect man is right in front of me all the time and I can't have him.

I don't care if all of this sounds weird or awful. It's how I feel and my feelings are messy. Really messy. I'm tired of living like this. It's not good for me or my boyfriend. I don't want to be a ball and chain around his ankle. He's a good guy and I want him to be with someone who can complement him and work with him in life. And I need someone who's already stable and grown and who wants to take care of someone.

But I don't want to risk getting hurt or getting into an abusive relationship. I'm so terrified of the world and the people in it… It's hard to do anything but be complacent because of that fear.

I know I'm not a stupid girl. I'm extremely self-aware and cautious, probably to my own detriment because it keeps me from embracing potential positive change.

I just want to shit or get off the pot already. If I'm miserable, I want to either make myself not miserable or drink my SN. But I'm stuck in the purgatory of indecisiveness. Because I'm scared of everything… even dying.

God, I can't believe I made it another year. Why can't I just end it already.

 

[sakakap]

Not gonna lie I feel terrible on his behalf. On one hand I don't want to go much deeper into it because of the nature of this forum but on the other "any man like who I'm looking for" is such a vile thing to casually say :(

 

[avalokitesvara]

I think you've set up a pretty binary black and white situation here. Your options aren't try to fulfill your trauma-based fantasy, or kill yourself. You could also try healing from your trauma and working through your desire for this kind of relationship in therapy. I think you know you are better off with the stable loving situation you are currently in, and that pursuing your fantasy would be destructive. Just because something has a powerful draw in fantasy does not mean it would be a good idea or as good as you think it would be in reality. Don't blow your life up for something that is a chimera born out of your trauma.

It's hard but it is possible to heal from childhood trauma. There's a lot of resources out there.

 

[Grav]

I get what you're saying and it's a big minefield. I've known many people who felt a connection to someone older, usually friends parents. A lot of that was based on their homelife and what they weren't getting emotionally, but it never went into anything more serious.

 

[moonmuse]

i am a little ashamed but i relate to it i really like my crushs dad i think he could protect me but i never acted on it you should either fully be with him or find other man when u break up with him bcs this aint right

 

[Dejected 55]

So... random things thrown at the wall here...

I don't have a problem with older men being with younger women OR older women being with younger men. In fact, given the way people seem to relate with each other, you can even make a social case that maybe everyone in their lives should have two mismatched long-term relationships. One when you are younger with an older partner, then later when you are older have a second one with a younger partner. It seems like a lot of people are having trouble dating within their peer groups these days, so that might make a kind of sense.

Caveats of course are that everyone MUST be a consenting adult. No encouragement for the stuff that happens with the 50+ year old men somehow obtaining permission from parents to marry 16 and younger year old girls. That's not something I even like to think happens... so just know that is NOT what I was talking about above.

Now, back to topic... so, generally speaking I don't think age difference has to be any kind of inherent problem, and I think it's fine for you to even have it as a preference or perhaps as even a requirement. Consenting adults, have fun.

But... in the OP's specific situation mentioned... there's no way anything good happens if she ever lets it be known she is into her boyfriend's dad. Even worse if she ever tried or ever did anything. Right now boyfriend's parents are married, so she'd be breaking up a marriage on top of the harm done to her boyfriend. But, even if there was no mom in the picture and older dad is single and willing... she's already with the boyfriend... so same harm to him... and... IF she breaks up with boyfriend, then somewhere down the road circles back for dad... boyfriend will always know there was probably something there.

I know some people do this... or date siblings... even dating a friend of someone you dated seems like fraught for awkwardness and hurt to me.

So... if you want to break up with your boyfriend and find an older man, I think that's fine. Follow your heart. Sincerely. Just don't go after his dad, or a friend's dad... even if they are single. Surely there are other attractive older men out there who aren't the father of someone you know. That's where I think you'd want to aim, and be more likely to find a partner that could work.

 

[tempest_]

same :( literally my whole life i've wanted a much older man. a daddy figure. but i'm too ugly and they don't want me.

 

[copioushopelessness]

You may want someone older to take care of you now but what about when they are older and need to be taken care of?

 

[ForestGhost]

I have always felt the same thing. I am currently with a guy who is older than me though not that much older, but the gap in our maturity level far exceeds the chronological age gap and there is definitely a sort of "caretaker" dynamic to it. Although it's what I like, it does feel a little... dirty? sometimes that this is clearly a trauma-informed attraction that I'm indulging. I don't think these types of relationships can ever really fill that yearning, nor can they be the absolute difference between being suicidal and happy. Just my two cents to consider before possibly forfeiting your current relationship.

 

[NonEssential]

Just make sure these thoughts don't get you cheating on your bf. That would be terrible.

 

[katara]

I have always felt the same thing. I am currently with a guy who is older than me though not that much older, but the gap in our maturity level far exceeds the chronological age gap and there is definitely a sort of "caretaker" dynamic to it. Although it's what I like, it does feel a little... dirty? sometimes that this is clearly a trauma-informed attraction that I'm indulging. I don't think these types of relationships can ever really fill that yearning, nor can they be the absolute difference between being suicidal and happy. Just my two cents to consider before possibly forfeiting your current relationship.

I don't think it's dirty, if I had an older guy who could take care of me financially and wasn't mean I'd be fine with that. I've had crushes on older guys before.

 

[Chemi]

Hey Moon, come here hun <3
wraps you in the longest, softest hug ever

I know this is an older post of yours, but I just had to respond.
Seeing you this lost is tearing me up inside. Every time you talk about the ache, the sn, the feeling like you're just a weight on everyone, it hits me like a fist and i hate that you're carrying it right now. You deserve so much better. You're a cute, kind and brilliant person who deserves to feel held and safe, and watching you stuck in this pain feels so fucking unfair.

I swear I felt every word, same gaping daddy-shaped hole from a childhood that got stolen way too early, same desperate craving for someone older and steadier to just hold the little parts of me and never let go. And god, when you said you look at your boyfriend's dad and see the perfect man because he calls you kiddo and sweetie and talks to you like you're little… i relate to that so incredibly much it hurts. I've had that exact ache, standing in someone else's kitchen while the one person who accidentally gives me that safe, paternal energy is right there and completely off-limits. Transference is brutal when the thing you never got growing up is suddenly in the room and you have to pretend your heart isn't cracking open.

I also get the terror of wanting a dominant man who protects and guides you, but being terrified of handing that much power over, because trauma taught us love can flip into danger the second we let our guard down. fun, isn't it? It's that push-pull that keeps us frozen.

The boyfriend mismatch is so clear and so painful: He seems like a decent and good guy, but he's not the home yourself is begging for. You're not lazy or useless, you're wounded in ways that make "normal" life feel impossible some days, and that's okay. autism plus trauma is its own beast, but it doesn't make you unworthy of the exact care you need.

Staying stuck in this half-life hurts and feels terrifying. Dying would quiet everything, and I get the craving, most people here do to be fair. I'm so proud of you for surviving another whole year carrying this much pain, that's some insane strength.

I like you lots, Moon, and I'm right here in your corner, always

 

[X-sanguinate86]

This is all so sad. People who don't properly look after their kids should be severely punished. Just look at what awaits everyone down the road...

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

It doesn't sound weird given the situation, it is an explanation for your stolen childhood. The lack of a parental figure(s) has placed you into this torment.

Many days, I wished that I could go back, not to talk or to fix what is broken, but to explain to them exactly what they stole from me and not in a peaceful way; but I know that even if I had access to that path, it would bring me no peace. It is how my brain processed trauma and what it framed them to be in it so it could process the impossible reality of your family betraying you. Giving into that, could give something emotionally in the shortest of runs ever possible, in the couple of seconds and then? it will feel awful, it will put you in danger.

At least that's how it was for me when I confronted both of them, it brought me no peace. I'm my own parent now, it's been easier to process this way.