Venting I wish I was traumatized (TW mentions of SA and Rape)

[squillykilly]

Hi guys, I know I am going to get judged for feeling like this, but sometimes I wish I were sexually assaulted as a child, I wish I were traumatized so I had a reason to hate myself so much.
And now that I'm turning 20 soon, I feel like I've lost my chance, I know I sound crazy and it's not that it's a kink or a fetish, I just wish there was a reason people could care about me and be kind to me. The thought of it is weirdly comforting cuz it would mean I have a reason to be this messed up in the head, I hate that my life hasn't been the worst. God why couldn't something terrible happen to me, I don't deserve to feel this terrible about my life if I was never a victim

 

[iset]

Hey, you dont need a reason to feel the way you do. Your feelings are valid und real even if they were not caused by these kind of trauma. (For my part, I wish it would be the other way round and I wouldnt have traumatic events in my life history, but I cant change that)

Even without major trauma in your past, you deserve people caring for you and be kind!!

I am sending you a hug!

 

[sanctionedusage]

its pretty common

but being raped as a kid gets stale as an excuse fyi. people forget about it, and if you dont let them forget it, they dont stick around for obvious reasons.

there's always someone with a better excuse. for every kid that molested by their dad, another got wide-scale sex trafficked. another got trafficked AND beat. another got trafficked, beat, and also survived a war. you're never traumatized enough to feel like you have the right to be as much of a piece of shit as you are. and honestly, if you did, it'd probably just make you into even more of a piece of shit.

 

[eggsausagerice]

there's always someone with a better excuse. for every kid that molested by their dad, another got wide-scale sex trafficked. another got trafficked AND beat. another got trafficked, beat, and also survived a war. you never end up traumatized enough to feel like you have the right to be as much of a piece of shit as you are. and honestly, if you did, it'd probably just make you into even more of a piece of shit.

yes!!!!!!!!!!! yes dude!!!!
i got SAed irl then got groomed by guys online for nudes. ok, but the SA wasn't violent, i didn't get any brusies. the cops didn't believe me. doctors didn't believe me. it wasn't bad enough. there are other kids that got SAed and beat and trafficked and locked up in a crate. what about those kids? don't i feel lucky that i got off easier? being molested from within a family instead of by a stranger is honestly so stigmatized while also being a literal porn genre that i feel embarrassed whenever i bring it up. and then people just feel so uncomfortable when i bring it up that i want to pretend it never happened so people don't have to pretend to feel sorry for me for a few seconds. even people who got SAed will still try to one up each other.

I wish I were sexually assaulted as a child, I wish I were traumatized so I had a reason to hate myself so much.

moral of the story bro: no one will even care that you got SAed as a child. most people probably don't even see it as a reason to be depressed when the oppression olympics exist (what if you had cancer AND got molested? or became HOMELESS?) and cops will assume you're making it up. please don't think that being raped will give make you feel like you're allowed to feel depressed. you still won't feel like that. it just makes you more susceptible to grooming and gives you cptsd/cptsd. i've put myself into situations where i could be raped again and i honestly got disappointed that no one felt brave enough to do it when i would've let them get away with it. i was in a very dark place and felt like i would only be desirable if someone wanted to assault me. that's kind of the worst mindset a person could be in.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not that it should be a taboo subject. People should feel comfortable in being able to be honest about their past but, I've heard rumours about people who were SA'd in childhood- who never revealed the story themselves. I'm not sure why. Fear of not being believed, maybe (unjustified) shame or fear that they may be accused of inviting such behaviour. But, I imagine- living with that knowledge can actually be very lonely for some- if they don't feel comfortable openly talking about it. In that case- people can see that there's something off with them but- they don't know why- so- they don't excuse it. They just see the person as overly dramatic or weird in some way.

But then, I can understand you feeling frustrated/ annoyed at feeling so intensely out of sorts- with no definite cause behind it.

I think it's kind of relative though- when it comes to understanding/ sympathy from others. It will depend on what they've gone through, how resilient they believe a person should be and whether they take a sympathetic or 'tough love' approach. Some people simply aren't sympathetic- no matter what someone has gone through.

We all have a right to feel like we're struggling though- I believe. That's just an emotional state- as I see it. Just like we can't necessarily help finding something funny or upsetting. Maybe there are things we can do to try and cope with our emotions but, we can't change other people's reactions to them so much either.