dreamingofpeace
Member
- Oct 6, 2023
- 31
i dont want to show up for people i cant fucking breathe. im someones next of fucking kin now cus they dont have anyone else and they respect that im avoidant and keep saying i dont have to come to xyz psych meeting but yes i do cus theyre never listened to when theyre alone. i dont want them to think theyre a burden on me its the psych system doing this shit we're both just trying to live but why the fuck did i offer to come on monday when ive already been managing stuff for them and rushing in every time they call me screaming down the phone cus theyre about to kill themselves in front of bastard staff and i need to come get them when i can barely walk down the street without having an anxiety attack and im going to their meeting on thursday so that couldve been the time we see each other but no i have to keep making it harder for myself to stay sane why did i offer. i cant fucking take it im not that kind of person im not the person people can rely on cus they always do and take and take and take and theres nothing left for me i want to just be someone i want to sit and do nothing and think about nothing just for a minute why the fuck did i say monday. i cant go back on it now cus thats a shitty thing to do and i dont wanna hurt them more than they already are they have no one and they understand and respect my boundaries more than anyone else but i keep fucking offering things when i could just say no i cant do it and leave them to fucking suffer i cant idk how to live around people and not want to kill myself or just feel like everything i do is killing me i still havent gone to their flat to throw their tools away cus i can barely get out of bed when im not rushing to come calm them down i dont wanna take their calls i wake up every day feeling like im covered in ants i need to fuck a jar of nails or something idk how to stop feeling like this im really fucking trying to be cool with being alive but im not that fucking person i cant be that fucking person for you and you already fucking knew that why did i say monday. im sorry im so fucking bad at being a good friend that i can only force myself to be one while boiling over w fake resentment cus my brain is in fight mode why the fuck am i like this im sorry. i love you
