alixisbonez
Member
- Nov 15, 2025
- 12
I wish I was empty I wish I woke up dizzy and got dizzy when I stand up I wish my vision would go blurry and black like it used to I wish I bruised easy and lost almost a pound a day and I wish could go 2 weeks without food like I would before I really just wish I had the self control and strength I used to have
Ive struggled with anorexia binge purge subtype for a couple years I've never been inpatient or hospitalized witch makes me feel even more invalid especially now since I wouldn't even say I'm, anorexic not anymore I'd probably be labeled with ednos or bulimia because I've gone from 99 lbs a year and a half ago to now my highest weight 148lbs This is higher than what I started at witch was 128 I'm 144lbs and have been able to stay this weight for abt two months now but can't manage to get under it
I feel so unbelievable out of control every day and no matter what I do no matter how many schedules I make or plans or diets I plan to do I always fail, miserably and binge on peanut butter rice cakes fruit soup anything available my weight gain is so visible I can't look myself in the mirror I can't take pictures of myself I hate the feeling of being in my body
I don't feel like myself anymore I can't look at myself because I don't know who I'm looking at I feel like a ghost trapped in a heavy ugly body I can't escape
I was so close to my goal to I was 99 and even then I wasn't underweight I was like bmi 20 or 18 I think I only had 29 left to lose before I hit my goal but I messed it up
And now with my plan to ctb in February I don't think I'll ever reach that goal I always said like once I hit 70lbs then I'll be free to ctb I will have no other purpose or goals and not being able to reach that goal before dieing really does disappoint me
It makes me mad that I give in so easy and that I'm not strong enough ik
Ive struggled with anorexia binge purge subtype for a couple years I've never been inpatient or hospitalized witch makes me feel even more invalid especially now since I wouldn't even say I'm, anorexic not anymore I'd probably be labeled with ednos or bulimia because I've gone from 99 lbs a year and a half ago to now my highest weight 148lbs This is higher than what I started at witch was 128 I'm 144lbs and have been able to stay this weight for abt two months now but can't manage to get under it
I feel so unbelievable out of control every day and no matter what I do no matter how many schedules I make or plans or diets I plan to do I always fail, miserably and binge on peanut butter rice cakes fruit soup anything available my weight gain is so visible I can't look myself in the mirror I can't take pictures of myself I hate the feeling of being in my body
I don't feel like myself anymore I can't look at myself because I don't know who I'm looking at I feel like a ghost trapped in a heavy ugly body I can't escape
I was so close to my goal to I was 99 and even then I wasn't underweight I was like bmi 20 or 18 I think I only had 29 left to lose before I hit my goal but I messed it up
And now with my plan to ctb in February I don't think I'll ever reach that goal I always said like once I hit 70lbs then I'll be free to ctb I will have no other purpose or goals and not being able to reach that goal before dieing really does disappoint me
It makes me mad that I give in so easy and that I'm not strong enough ik
