Venting I wish I read more books and stayed a virgin until 40 it wasn’t worth my mental health

[Journeytoletgo]

I don't even enjoy my sexual being anymore after my sexual experience at 22. I know I shouldn't compare but I'm jealous of girls that experienced a romantic travel love initially like nice dates I know their relationships can't be perfect but I'm still jealous that I have been SA. And I have a negative inner critic I have not been able to be positive in myself for years really, subconsciously I'm just lost and feel psychologically broken. It's even harder that I dealt with all of that alone and didn't tell anyone I was suicidal and depressed that entire time for 3 years. Then I engaged in sex again and felt disappointed I didn't even like him, and then there was the other guy after him who touched me inappropriately in my sleep, then the other guy I went over to his place to have sex, it's really hard to just be comfortable sexually with men right now. I'm not on tinder or dating apps and I haven't been working in 3 years. I am really moody and suicidal it's hard to accept this may be the result right now

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Yeah I kinda relate. Looking back I see my romantic relationships as a massive waste of time.
I've been asexual for half of the year now (not intentionally it just happened) and honestly it's a relief. I wish I was asexual from the get go.

 

[meltdown]

How much my sexual experiences damaged me is the main source of my self hatred. I would say. I'll never be normal or capable of basic human behavior and it makes me want to destroy my body in the worst way possible.

I wish I was asexual from the get go.

Yeah