I wish I had killed myself when I had the courage to do so

[missmiseery]

I have more stable depression now and I don't have as much suicidal ideation as before, but still I wish I had the guts to have killed myself before. If I take stock of the days I was happy and wanted to live and the days I wasn't, the last few days were the biggest part of my life. I don't wanna live like this, just waiting the days to pass. That's not living, I wish I was dead.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

i can kind of relate. i haven't felt any (strong) emotions in a while, & i no longer have that constant overbearing anguish as a driving force.

i think it's bc i've fully accepted that this misery is my life & i wasn't meant to know anything else, so now my brain is no longer in 'we have to kill ourselves we have to get over here' overdrive. while i don't want to live & ik death's my only option, it no longer consumes me like it once did.

i agree, it isn't a life. if my attempt 5 yrs ago had worked, it would've saved me.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Same.
Was working on the CTB plan already, like drawing up sheets, costs, checking out locations, etc.
Stupid me latched on to something that put an emphasis on emotions. I tried to justify it at the time to myself stating "Oh, maybe things will turn out different this time", like an idiot.
Lo and Behold, it did not.
Sigh. I cant help thinking if I carried out the plans before I wouldnt have had to face the new year.

 

[greatgooglymoogly]

I feel that. I think about it every day and I still can't find the strength to do it. I had a couple of half baked attempts when I was at my lowest and I always wish I'd just felt a little worse at those times. It's not that I feel better or that I'm recovering, I just feel myself getting lazy. Back to normal depression that's gonna build up to the way it was weeks/months ago and hopefully will be enough to do me in.

 

[missmiseery]

Same.
Was working on the CTB plan already, like drawing up sheets, costs, checking out locations, etc.
Stupid me latched on to something that put an emphasis on emotions. I tried to justify it at the time to myself stating "Oh, maybe things will turn out different this time", like an idiot.
Lo and Behold, it did not.
Sigh. I cant help thinking if I carried out the plans before I wouldnt have had to face the new year.

Same, was planning on buying SN and even had a week in which I would be alone and no one would reach me on time to stop me but I don't know why, I decided to stay, and for what? Everything is as miserable as before.

 

[missmiseery]

I feel that. I think about it every day and I still can't find the strength to do it. I had a couple of half baked attempts when I was at my lowest and I always wish I'd just felt a little worse at those times. It's not that I feel better or that I'm recovering, I just feel myself getting lazy. Back to normal depression that's gonna build up to the way it was weeks/months ago and hopefully will be enough to do me in.

Yeah me too, like I hit rock bottom and yet I stayed. I was better for a while but now I feel depressio coming back again and I hope I won't be a fucking failure this time and will have the strenght to do it. Thanks to my mom that is always dedicated to make my life hell, I feel I won't need to be here much longer.

 

[greatgooglymoogly]

Yeah me too, like I hit rock bottom and yet I stayed. I was better for a while but now I feel depressio coming back again and I hope I won't be a fucking failure this time and will have the strenght to do it. Thanks to my mom that is always dedicated to make my life hell, I feel I won't need to be here much longer.

Yeah it's weird. The depression feels cyclical. For some people it's a comfort that things will technically get better but for us we just see it getting worse right after it gets better

 

[girlsboysthems]

same. i wished my previous attempt worked, i wish i had a lower tolerance and the shit would kill me. it didnt and its my biggest regret...