moondazed
ex nihilo nihil fit
- Oct 14, 2023
- 170
A good friend of mine, a coworker, and a brief lover, CTBd on my dead sisters birthday last year. The anniversary is coming up here in about a month.
I know she was in pain, she was having delusions and hallucinations. We used to be smoking buddies, it's how we met and started to get pretty close. We went on a few dates and ended up sleeping together. She didn't want a relationship and had multiple sexual partners, and I didn't want to get too tied up in that so I started to pull away. I was going through a lot and I started getting a little cold towards her. On our last smoke break together (I had already quit for a bit, but she asked me to come out with her so I did), she expressed some of her mental issues. How she thought there was a machine in her walls sending signals and impressing suicidal thoughts into her mind. I told her she is always welcome to talk to me about this stuff, but asked if she had considered seeing a therapist. She said "I don't need to see a therapist because I know these aren't my thoughts". I was a little stunned and we were walking back into the office so we didn't continue.
She killed herself a week later.
She slept with a lot of men in empty sexual passion, it was her thing. She was very good looking and very active, always snowboarding or rock climbing or going to festivals and the like. She seemed to really love life, but there was something dark haunting her beneath. I wish I had just given her a hug that day, I think she needed some real compassionate and unconditional love, not just sex. But my own feelings took priority for me I guess and I just avoided it.
I feel incredibly guilty. I feel like it's my fault. Our smoke breaks often were me complaining about the chaos of my life and my family, or my disgust with the world at large. She was always checking in on my to make sure I was okay... She mostly just complained about being overworked. I feel like I gave her that darkness. I feel like I could have done more.
But I know she was suffering. I am not sure I'll ever get over it, especially now her death is tied to my sister due to coincidental timing. It makes me want to CTB sometimes, it makes me want to fight the darkness sometimes. But none the less, it just hurts. Having this with me.
I know she was in pain, she was having delusions and hallucinations. We used to be smoking buddies, it's how we met and started to get pretty close. We went on a few dates and ended up sleeping together. She didn't want a relationship and had multiple sexual partners, and I didn't want to get too tied up in that so I started to pull away. I was going through a lot and I started getting a little cold towards her. On our last smoke break together (I had already quit for a bit, but she asked me to come out with her so I did), she expressed some of her mental issues. How she thought there was a machine in her walls sending signals and impressing suicidal thoughts into her mind. I told her she is always welcome to talk to me about this stuff, but asked if she had considered seeing a therapist. She said "I don't need to see a therapist because I know these aren't my thoughts". I was a little stunned and we were walking back into the office so we didn't continue.
She killed herself a week later.
She slept with a lot of men in empty sexual passion, it was her thing. She was very good looking and very active, always snowboarding or rock climbing or going to festivals and the like. She seemed to really love life, but there was something dark haunting her beneath. I wish I had just given her a hug that day, I think she needed some real compassionate and unconditional love, not just sex. But my own feelings took priority for me I guess and I just avoided it.
I feel incredibly guilty. I feel like it's my fault. Our smoke breaks often were me complaining about the chaos of my life and my family, or my disgust with the world at large. She was always checking in on my to make sure I was okay... She mostly just complained about being overworked. I feel like I gave her that darkness. I feel like I could have done more.
But I know she was suffering. I am not sure I'll ever get over it, especially now her death is tied to my sister due to coincidental timing. It makes me want to CTB sometimes, it makes me want to fight the darkness sometimes. But none the less, it just hurts. Having this with me.
