pogostick
Student
- Jul 29, 2025
- 118
I've had quite a few friends over the years, some long term and some not. I just really struggle with having deep connections with people. All of my friends have and do feel... disposable? Like our relationships are just entirely impersonal. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them.
It makes me sad. I've always had this sort of fantasy of being entirely ready to kill myself and having somebody trying to stop me (I don't think this is uncommon for people to want or romanticise). Sometimes it makes me feel bad, like I want to deliberately hurt someones feelings or scare them into worrying about me, but other times it makes me feel terrible to think about the fact that I don't have anyone who would actually do that for me.
I've been distancing myselves from my friends (5/6, at least) in preparation to ctb and I haven't gotten a single message about it. They also have not met up as a group since I stopped talking to them (because typically I was the one begging people to meet up). I heard secondhand that one of the people in the group is actually quite angry at me for not messaging them and that there is also a new group chat that I am excluded from.
At the very least I'd like someone to open up to. I was watching one of my favourite films today and I really see myself in the main character who has quite a deep (though rocky) relationship with somebody in his town and the way they were... I don't know, I was just bawling, genuinely. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about that if maybe they were real I could be their friend too.
I have tried to open up to people in my life, but I just think they find it quite awkward, but it doesn't really help becauase I also feel incredibly uncomfortable when it comes to expressing my feelings, so.
But yeah. I'm sure everybody in my life will wish they made more of an effort to reach out and talk to me and check on me when my body is in pieces.
It makes me sad. I've always had this sort of fantasy of being entirely ready to kill myself and having somebody trying to stop me (I don't think this is uncommon for people to want or romanticise). Sometimes it makes me feel bad, like I want to deliberately hurt someones feelings or scare them into worrying about me, but other times it makes me feel terrible to think about the fact that I don't have anyone who would actually do that for me.
I've been distancing myselves from my friends (5/6, at least) in preparation to ctb and I haven't gotten a single message about it. They also have not met up as a group since I stopped talking to them (because typically I was the one begging people to meet up). I heard secondhand that one of the people in the group is actually quite angry at me for not messaging them and that there is also a new group chat that I am excluded from.
At the very least I'd like someone to open up to. I was watching one of my favourite films today and I really see myself in the main character who has quite a deep (though rocky) relationship with somebody in his town and the way they were... I don't know, I was just bawling, genuinely. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about that if maybe they were real I could be their friend too.
I have tried to open up to people in my life, but I just think they find it quite awkward, but it doesn't really help becauase I also feel incredibly uncomfortable when it comes to expressing my feelings, so.
But yeah. I'm sure everybody in my life will wish they made more of an effort to reach out and talk to me and check on me when my body is in pieces.
