I wish I didn’t have to deal with SI.

[emptyjokes]

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to vent a little bit. Maybe you all can relate to my struggle and find some comfort in company.

I wish I didn't have to deal with my SI. It's infrequent. I spend most of my days feeling resolute in my desire to CTB, and all of the developments in my life only strengthen my desire. I don't foresee myself making it through this much longer. Currently I live my life with few plans for the future, and the ones that I have I don't prepare for very well because I don't expect to live to see them.

I'm stuck in a cycle of destruction and desperate reparation. I'll crash my way through an extended nightmare, taking steps towards making my exit, only to find myself in a moment where things feel okay. I know that it won't last long, which means that I can't truly enjoy the moment, nor feel at peace. It leaves me feeling that I'm making things worse for the people around me, while also prolonging my struggle for no good reason. My highs are punctuated with the forgery of wanting to live, leaving them ultimately empty and painful. My lows are quiet and solitary, unheard by anyone around me, which is the way that it should be.

I want to tell my story here one day. Despite how I plan to go, I think I've lived a life worth being proud of. I'm truly blessed to have the experiences that I've had. I owe it to the wonderful people on this forum to provide comfort and companionship to them while they navigate their difficult circumstances. I've only recently joined, but I have read stories from people that have endured so much more than I could ever have gone through. They are braver, stronger, and more deserving of respect than I am, so I will try my best to give that to them. That being said, I am unable to shake off my desire for validation and approval.

Please, if you're feeling compelled to criticize me for my vanity - I know. If there was any way for me to donate my life to someone who could see it through, I would. I just cannot keep up the fight.

I picked up smoking and drinking again, and when I get my next paycheck I'll be ordering some SN. Once I have it I will feel comfortable sharing some information about my life. I don't have anyone in person to share it with, and it would bring me some comfort to hear that at least somebody thinks I did a good job with the hand I was dealt.

Thanks for reading. I'm sending love with my responses to you all.

 

[Rational man]

The future is uncertain so few plans if.any makes.sense.but gratitude for what you have experienced is good. Maybe tou need to reflect more.

 

[WanderingWater]

I, get it. Very well articulated...
I am in a similar State of Mind.

Compassion for Self is Priceless.

 

[emptyjokes]

The future is uncertain so few plans if.any makes.sense.but gratitude for what you have experienced is good. Maybe tou need to reflect more.

Thanks for the response, Rational Man. I've happened to read some of your posts and I'm wishing the best for you. I'll keep your insight in my mind, as reflection is something that I do every day.

I, get it. Very well articulated...
I am in a similar State of Mind.

I'm glad that you understand. I'm sorry that you're in such a state, but it does bring comfort knowing that we aren't alone I hope. From one like-minded individual to another, I wish the best for you, whatever that may end up looking like.

 

[FuneralCry]

The SI can certainly be very frustrating, as even know we want to die, we are all programmed to survive. I can imagine that it must be tiring being in that situation, it seems like in this life anything positive never lasts long, which is why I am glad that I have no hope. I am pleased for you that you have had many great experiences in life and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.