Venting I wish I could recover, but it's impossible

[stoplmp]

The biggest reason of my suicidality is how our society works.

I can't see myself happy studying for years (I still literally am halfway through, I can't handle this anymore), still have to find a job only so I can work my ass off and be underpaid for the rest of my life (3rd world country experience), and only stop working when I get to the old age, and then die. All of this so I can get money to survive, not even live, but survive.


I don't agree with the way we live. I don't see myself happy living through life if I already know how it works and how it won't ever change, how everything is based on money and money and money, even worse when you are from such a corrupt and non-equal country as the one that I have been living for my entire life.
The conditions that I live in, + my education (school-grade), family, personal-configuration*, and all the shit that I already did, simply won't let me live a better life in the way I'd like to.


After knowing all this, I bought everything needed and planned everything for suicide.
I literally have everything needed at my hands, and I'd do this simply because I don't see life worth living as the *piece of shit human that I am, at a point that I'm such a pussy that I can't even proceed with the steps of suicide, that is the only way I see to get out of my shitty terrible miserable life as the person that I am.



But still, I always have the same thought in my mind of recovering. But not recovering to simply keep living as who I am in the same shitty configuration, this is literally what makes me sick and suicidal, it's just "not it".

I wish I could simply disappear. Disappear from my life in general, at a point that nobody that knows me could ever find me again, and then start over. Just quit school, quit this city, this country, and going to live in the middle of absolute nowhere, but in a way that I could actually live and be happy with life. In a way that I could just quit society and capitalism, quit living as the person that I am (in a general thought). Then, I'd be happy with life.


But of course, this is not possible. We are tied to society, money, capitalism, the government and everything that surrounds us. You can't just decide to quit society and "live in another planet", it's just insanity.
And if you even think about telling this to anybody you trust, be even your psychologist, you'll be admitted to the mental hospital, like it has always worked. "Don't agree with how we rule things = Crazy".
People are so brainwashed that they are forced to believe that who doesn't agree with how things works is not mentally sane. This is literally how society works and how we are ruled to live. There's no way to escape, there's nothing you can do.

I still have the urge thought of just getting in my parents car and simply "run away" from my own life to never be seen again. But of course this is not possible thanks to tracking, internet, and everything. I'd be found within a day and get sent to the psych ward with some bullshit excuse of "Psychological outbreak".


So, in general, it's not possible for me to recover. I might just be too dumb to live in society, or too smart for seeing how things work. At this point it doesn't even matter to be honest, it's not like if I could do anything to change society or the way I live as a human.
The only exit I have found is suicide, and as most as I'd like to live if I could start it all over in a completely different configuration, I can't.




Anyways, I don't think anybody will read this, but if you did, I hope it's understandable. I still expect some kind of miracle to fall from the sky and show me an exit to all of this shit, even tho I know miracles doesn't happen like this, even more with people like me. I am just completely lost in life and out of hopes. The only choice that remains to me is develop some "balls" and kill myself.

 

[Hvergelmir]

And if you even think about telling this to anybody you trust, be even your psychologist, you'll be admitted to the mental hospital, like it has always worked. "Don't agree with how we rule things = Crazy".

This isn't necessarily true.

The desire for an alternate lifestyle isn't even controversial.
Stealing you parents car is illegal. Killing yourself is taboo. All the other stuff are things you most definitely could talk openly about.

 

[Hotsackage]

The thing that bugs me, is they think you're recovered when you are doing the right things, but that doesn't mean anything lol. I'm the same tho, my brain is in lala land, there's no coming back from this, and I honestly wouldn't want to.

 

[stoplmp]

This isn't necessarily true.

The desire for an alternate lifestyle isn't even controversial.
Stealing you parents car is illegal. Killing yourself is taboo. All the other stuff are things you most definitely could talk openly about.

Nope, can't. Last time I tried to talk exactly about this I was diagnosed with psychosis and sent to the psych ward. Had a whole psychosis treatment, finished the treatment and still haven't changed a bit. It's just the "you are creating conspiracy theories and is psychotic". They can't understand and they don't want to as they're living very well on society with their jobs, salaries, and others.

The thing that bugs me, is they think you're recovered when you are doing the right things, but that doesn't mean anything lol. I'm the same tho, my brain is in lala land, there's no coming back from this, and I honestly wouldn't want to.

The "right things" on their vision is just what society considers right.

Paying an absurd amount of taxes for a corrupt government only so you can fill politicians pockets is considered right. Don't do this and you go to jail for tax evasion, which is considered wrong. (This is just an example btw, but it explains the point)

 

[Linda]

The biggest reason of my suicidality is how our society works.

I can't see myself happy studying for years (I still literally am halfway through, I can't handle this anymore), still have to find a job only so I can work my ass off and be underpaid for the rest of my life (3rd world country experience), and only stop working when I get to the old age, and then die. All of this so I can get money to survive, not even live, but survive.


I don't agree with the way we live. I don't see myself happy living through life if I already know how it works and how it won't ever change, how everything is based on money and money and money, even worse when you are from such a corrupt and non-equal country as the one that I have been living for my entire life.
The conditions that I live in, + my education (school-grade), family, personal-configuration*, and all the shit that I already did, simply won't let me live a better life in the way I'd like to.


After knowing all this, I bought everything needed and planned everything for suicide.
I literally have everything needed at my hands, and I'd do this simply because I don't see life worth living as the *piece of shit human that I am, at a point that I'm such a pussy that I can't even proceed with the steps of suicide, that is the only way I see to get out of my shitty terrible miserable life as the person that I am.



But still, I always have the same thought in my mind of recovering. But not recovering to simply keep living as who I am in the same shitty configuration, this is literally what makes me sick and suicidal, it's just "not it".

I wish I could simply disappear. Disappear from my life in general, at a point that nobody that knows me could ever find me again, and then start over. Just quit school, quit this city, this country, and going to live in the middle of absolute nowhere, but in a way that I could actually live and be happy with life. In a way that I could just quit society and capitalism, quit living as the person that I am (in a general thought). Then, I'd be happy with life.


But of course, this is not possible. We are tied to society, money, capitalism, the government and everything that surrounds us. You can't just decide to quit society and "live in another planet", it's just insanity.
And if you even think about telling this to anybody you trust, be even your psychologist, you'll be admitted to the mental hospital, like it has always worked. "Don't agree with how we rule things = Crazy".
People are so brainwashed that they are forced to believe that who doesn't agree with how things works is not mentally sane. This is literally how society works and how we are ruled to live. There's no way to escape, there's nothing you can do.

I still have the urge thought of just getting in my parents car and simply "run away" from my own life to never be seen again. But of course this is not possible thanks to tracking, internet, and everything. I'd be found within a day and get sent to the psych ward with some bullshit excuse of "Psychological outbreak".


So, in general, it's not possible for me to recover. I might just be too dumb to live in society, or too smart for seeing how things work. At this point it doesn't even matter to be honest, it's not like if I could do anything to change society or the way I live as a human.
The only exit I have found is suicide, and as most as I'd like to live if I could start it all over in a completely different configuration, I can't.




Anyways, I don't think anybody will read this, but if you did, I hope it's understandable. I still expect some kind of miracle to fall from the sky and show me an exit to all of this shit, even tho I know miracles doesn't happen like this, even more with people like me. I am just completely lost in life and out of hopes. The only choice that remains to me is develop some "balls" and kill myself.

"You can't just decide to quit society and "live in another planet." No you can't do that. But that doesn't mean that you have to go along with all of society's expectations either. Some people manage to find a middle way. If you want to find such a way, then waiting for a "miracle to fall from the sky" won't do it. You have to do it yourself. Before you can do that, you have to figure out what, exactly, you want to do.
Try using your imagination for a while. See if you can manage to think of something much better than your present bleak view of your future (even if it isn't the perfect future you would like), but which might be achievable. Some sort of compromise with society, where you don't give in to society entirely, but you don't completely run away from it either.
That's basically what I did. I went along with what society wanted, for a period (but even then only to the extent that I had to), but only so that I could build a life away from society's expectations.
If you can't find some sort of compromise like that, then ctb might be a reasonable choice. But don't rush into it. Do some imaginative thinking first.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Nope, can't. Last time I tried to talk exactly about this I was diagnosed with psychosis and sent to the psych ward. Had a whole psychosis treatment, finished the treatment and still haven't changed a bit. It's just the "you are creating conspiracy theories and is psychotic". They can't understand and they don't want to as they're living very well on society with their jobs, salaries, and others.

I still think it's possible to frame it in such a way that it will be accepted as a legitimate desire. Your parents might not like it, but wanting to move somewhere and do something else is not in itself a mental illness.

If you let it devolve into a rant about corrupt politicians and what not, you might start to sound crazy though. Even more so if you're overflowing with desperation and negative emotion.

 

[stoplmp]

"You can't just decide to quit society and "live in another planet." No you can't do that. But that doesn't mean that you have to go along with all of society's expectations either. Some people manage to find a middle way. If you want to find such a way, then waiting for a "miracle to fall from the sky" won't do it. You have to do it yourself. Before you can do that, you have to figure out what, exactly, you want to do.
Try using your imagination for a while. See if you can manage to think of something much better than your present bleak view of your future (even if it isn't the perfect future you would like), but which might be achievable. Some sort of compromise with society, where you don't give in to society entirely, but you don't completely run away from it either.
That's basically what I did. I went along with what society wanted, for a period (but even then only to the extent that I had to), but only so that I could build a life away form society's expectations.
If you can't find some sort of compromise like that, then ctb might be a reasonable choice. But don't rush into it. Do some imaginative thinking first.

About the middle way, it's exactly what I have been searching for in the last three years, and still haven't found anything suitable for me giving my life configuration as I said

And I also know that I have to do it myself and not expect something (a miracle) to fall from the sky as I know this is not how things works, I just use this metaphor in a way of "I don't know what to do anymore so I'm just sitting here waiting for something to happen".


Even a kickstart to do something myself that could change my life (e.g. changing country) would still require a lot of money which I don't have not even a drop, and I also don't have anyone that could help me on this as my whole family is broken economically and my parents are extremely "family-ish" and religious/conservative, they just want me to stick around here with them forever and do as they say, they would never support me on trying to get another life outside of what they want. They simply are not a help option, which means that, unfortunately, I'm completely on my own, with no way to make money to do the things that I want as here you work to receive money to survive and not make savings (this EVEN if you manage to actually get a job as a really high percentage of the country is jobless thanks to not enough job options). And even to get a job I still would have to finish the studies (school, college etc), which is something that I literally can't do anymore because I don't have any more energies or reasons to make an effort knowing that I would end jobless anyways.


It's a really deep rabbit hole unfortunately.

I still think it's possible to frame it in such a way that it will be accepted as a legitimate desire. Your parents might not like it, but wanting to move somewhere and do something else is not in itself a mental illness.

If you let it devolve into a rant about corrupt politicians and what not, you might start to sound crazy though. Even more so if you're overflowing with desperation and negative emotion.

Yes, I tried to frame it in such way, but the situation wasn't (still isn't) any better thanks to the desperation of not seeing any future for yourself other than working like crazy only to survive. It's the unfortunate reality of my country, which, if you think too much, grows into how society is in general. Just the screams from a struggling miserable individual which knows all the issues around him and also knows that he can't solve any of them, even if it's for himself.

 

[fleetingnight]

Capitalism is what's killing me more than anything else. It seems like the biggest cause of mental health issues for most of the people I know. Having your life's worth defined by money and how "useful" you can be is a terrible way to "live." I don't know what it would be, but if there's any escape besides death, then I hope we all find it soon...

 

[Linda]

About the middle way, it's exactly what I have been searching for in the last three years, and still haven't found anything suitable for me giving my life configuration as I said

And I also know that I have to do it myself and not expect something (a miracle) to fall from the sky as I know this is not how things works, I just use this metaphor in a way of "I don't know what to do anymore so I'm just sitting here waiting for something to happen".


Even a kickstart to do something myself that could change my life (e.g. changing country) would still require a lot of money which I don't have not even a drop, and I also don't have anyone that could help me on this as my whole family is broken economically and my parents are extremely "family-ish" and religious/conservative, they just want me to stick around here with them forever and do as they say, they would never support me on trying to get another life outside of what they want. They simply are not a help option, which means that, unfortunately, I'm completely on my own, with no way to make money to do the things that I want as here you work to receive money to survive and not make savings (this EVEN if you manage to actually get a job as a really high percentage of the country is jobless thanks to not enough job options). And even to get a job I still would have to finish the studies (school, college etc), which is something that I literally can't do anymore because I don't have any more energies or reasons to make an effort knowing that I would end jobless anyways.


It's a really deep rabbit hole unfortunately.

At its most basic, what you need to find is adequate time that is 100% your time, time that society has no claim on whatever, time that you can use in whatever way you choose. I was able to do that by making enough money that I could walk away from the rat race entirely, and I haven't submitted to society's demands in any significant way ever since. That's one way to do it, but it's not the only way (which is fortunate because it's not a way that is accessible to everyone). Another way is to structure your life so that a significant fraction of each month (or each year, or each week, or whatever - it will depend on your circumstances) is yours and is free of society's demands. For most people that is probably a more practical option. Yes, it's a compromise. But most things in life involve some degree of compromise.
Do you feel that thinking about how to acquire more of that kind of time for yourself could be a way forward?

 

[sserafim]

Capitalism is what's killing me more than anything else. It seems like the biggest cause of mental health issues for most of the people I know. Having your life's worth defined by money and how "useful" you can be is a terrible way to "live." I don't know what it would be, but if there's any escape besides death, then I hope we all find it soon...

Literally. My mom just told me that I had to be productive and find ways to be valuable to potential employers. Why is my life defined by how "useful" or "productive" I am? Why do I exist to be a slave to the system? It's not fair. I never even chose to be alive anyways. Why am I being forced to buy into this predatory system? I hate it so much. I hate society. I don't want to participate in it. It's NEET or rope for me

 

[Linda]

Capitalism is what's killing me more than anything else. It seems like the biggest cause of mental health issues for most of the people I know. Having your life's worth defined by money and how "useful" you can be is a terrible way to "live." I don't know what it would be, but if there's any escape besides death, then I hope we all find it soon...

Am I right in thinkng that you live in the US? Valueing people by how much money they have (or are earning) is much more an American thing than a European thing. The fact that it is not universal says that you need not buy into that idea if you don't want to. These days I live in a small village in a remote mountain area in a European country. The attitude here is much more healthy. People are valued for who they are, and how they behave, not what they have. (Anyone who flaunted wealth and expected to be respected for it would soon be put in their place.)
You don't have to buy in to the attitudes of those around you. And if you don't like those attitudes, you shouldn't buy in to them.

 

[fleetingnight]

Am I right in thinkng that you live in the US? Valueing people by how much money they have (or are earning) is much more an American thing than a European thing. The fact that it is not universal says that you need not buy into that idea if you don't want to.

Yeah, you're right, I am. I know it's much worse in other places than here, but living here still really wears me down. I'd love to leave, it's one of the very few paths I see to actually being okay with living. I can't imagine raising that much money, but maybe. I guess it's possible.

Thanks for your input, by the way. I see you around here a lot and I always like hearing your perspective on things<3

 

[LaughingGoat]

At its most basic, what you need to find is adequate time that is 100% your time, time that society has no claim on whatever, time that you can use in whatever way you choose. I was able to do that by making enough money that I could walk away from the rat race entirely, and I haven't submitted to society's demands in any significant way ever since. That's one way to do it, but it's not the only way (which is fortunate because it's not a way that is accessible to everyone). Another way is to structure your life so that a significant fraction of each month (or each year, or each week, or whatever - it will depend on your circumstances) is yours and is free of society's demands. For most people that is probably a more practical option. Yes, it's a compromise. But most things in life involve some degree of compromise.
Do you feel that thinking about how to acquire more of that kind of time for yourself could be a way forward?

Very similar experience, just chose to live without much over continuing my career and earning more money. Even more, I know people who walked away completely from earning even a decent living to volunteer and support others. Some people move to extremely poor regions to do so, either selling what they have or some organizations will provide them the funds to get there. I get OP's belief that walking away from typical society life is unattainable because we're never really taught it's an option but in reality it is, though it usually means giving up the potential of many relative comforts that are linked with society.

 

[Unknown21]

Same, I don't know how long I will continue.