I wish I could plan suicide openly.

[BipolarExpress]

I hate that everything about suicide has to be handled in secret. I wish I could warn my friends beforehand that I was going to kill myself so that I could get my affairs in order without having to send a timed email, worry about my abusive parents getting involved after I die (even though they didn't give a shit about me after I ran away from them for their anti-LGBTQ bigotry), make sure that my work was preserved, and make sure I had a legacy in place. But because this is a suicide, rather than a terminal illness, I have to handle it in secret or be hauled off to the psych ward. I don't want to go to the psych ward, because I don't want to live in this shitty, inaccessible, ugly, awful society. I just want to have a death of my own choosing and be able to tell my friends I want to end my life and have that decision be respected. I want to be able to say, "Existence has become wearisome. I don't think I'll be able to handle this for much longer. It's time to go." I want to be able to have people around me at my deathbed. I want to be able to make funeral plans beforehand. I want to prepare the people around me for my death. I almost want to say that I have a terminal illness so that I can plan for my death, but I don't want to lie.

I just want to be fucking honest about how I'm feeling without losing my autonomy.

 

[jodes2]

I warned people in advance. You just can't give the date you'll CTB or they could stop/save you

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are completely understandable. We should be able to be open about our plans to die without all of the stigma and secrecy surrounding suicide and the potential risk of others interfering. It's just so wrong to me how suicide is treated this way, as something always to be prevented no matter what and life is viewed as something to always be prolonged. After all, there's nothing wrong with us deciding to leave this world at a time of our own choosing, death is literally the most normal thing ever and it's inevitable for us all anyway. But I do get why you would be frustrated, I hate this pro suffering world that we live in.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

That would be pretty cool. Have a funeral before you die also. Spend time with your loved ones.

 

[ge0rge]

i agree completely. this should be transparent & handled maturely, but people aren't ready for that conversation

 

[Pluto]

I have this thought many times, too. I would like to offer a proper explanation of the situation, opportunities to bring acceptance through dialogue, practical preparations and perhaps a nice deathbed gathering.

Instead, I've had to purchase a 'banned' book (PPH), secretly do a deal with a Mexican drug dealer, use a VPN to interact on a blocked website and all for the privilege of people in the community being shocked when my end comes.

 

[BipolarExpress]

i agree completely. this should be transparent & handled maturely, but people aren't ready for that conversation

I know, right? I want to just talk about it and get people used to the idea that I'm going to be gone, rather than leaving them in shock after the suicide has been completed—or being locked up on a psych ward if I survive or if they call 911 as soon as I tell them that I have a plan. I wouldn't be so scared to go if I didn't have to keep all this secret!

I have this thought many times, too. I would like to offer a proper explanation of the situation, opportunities to bring acceptance through dialogue, practical preparations and perhaps a nice deathbed gathering.

Instead, I've had to purchase a 'banned' book (PPH), secretly do a deal with a Mexican drug dealer, use a VPN interact on a blocked website and all for the privilege of people in the community being shocked when my end comes.

And I've had to buy a lethal poison, hang out on a suicide forum to learn how to use it, and keep everything secret. I want to have those practical conversations, but I can't. It's fucking infuriating. I'm sick of living, but trying to arrange my death is isolating and exhausting. I just want to go.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Maybe try to sit down and have a rational conversation about it with someone you trust most.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I hate that everything about suicide has to be handled in secret. I wish I could warn my friends beforehand that I was going to kill myself so that I could get my affairs in order without having to send a timed email, worry about my abusive parents getting involved after I die (even though they didn't give a shit about me after I ran away from them for their anti-LGBTQ bigotry), make sure that my work was preserved, and make sure I had a legacy in place. But because this is a suicide, rather than a terminal illness, I have to handle it in secret or be hauled off to the psych ward. I don't want to go to the psych ward, because I don't want to live in this shitty, inaccessible, ugly, awful society. I just want to have a death of my own choosing and be able to tell my friends I want to end my life and have that decision be respected. I want to be able to say, "Existence has become wearisome. I don't think I'll be able to handle this for much longer. It's time to go." I want to be able to have people around me at my deathbed. I want to be able to make funeral plans beforehand. I want to prepare the people around me for my death. I almost want to say that I have a terminal illness so that I can plan for my death, but I don't want to lie.

I just want to be fucking honest about how I'm feeling without losing my autonomy.

I could not have expressed this better. I am completely with you and wish for the same. Solidarity and love to you.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I could not have expressed this better. I am completely with you and wish for the same. Solidarity and love to you.

Thank you. I'm sorry you're in a similar place.

 

[Caustic]

Its the worst when you are constantly surrounded by the people you love and call friends but you can't say a single word to them in regards to it.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Its the worst when you are constantly surrounded by the people you love and call friends but you can't say a single word to them in regards to it.

And your therapist/mental health team (if you have one), the ones who you're supposed to be honest with. Going to therapy and having to hide it, besides being painful, is really hard. Suicide is what I am struggling with the most right now but I can't talk about it there so I talk about other stuff instead and feel worse every time.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Me too. That's one of the main appeals of assisted death (if not really the real one). I'm envious of the people who were able to get approval for that.

 

[BipolarExpress]

And your therapist/mental health team (if you have one), the ones who you're supposed to be honest with. Going to therapy and having to hide it, besides being painful, is really hard. Suicide is what I am struggling with the most right now but I can't talk about it there so I talk about other stuff instead and feel worse every time.

Yeah, it's impossible to talk about suicide to therapists without them locking you in a psych ward. I don't want to be locked up; I want to be listened to and understood.

Its the worst when you are constantly surrounded by the people you love and call friends but you can't say a single word to them in regards to it.

Tell me about it. I'm terrified of telling most of my friends because I don't want them doing a wellness check on me (which involves the POLICE) and having me dragged off to the psych ward instead of accepting the fact that I want to die and helping me put my affairs in order. I'd prefer it if my psychiatric conditions were seen as terminal—which they kind of are, judging by the suicide rates among people with bipolar and other mood disorders—so that the mental health industry wouldn't spend so much time keeping me alive and miserable.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Yeah, it's impossible to talk about suicide to therapists without them locking you in a psych ward. I don't want to be locked up; I want to be listened to and understood.

Tell me about it. I'm terrified of telling most of my friends because I don't want them doing a wellness check on me (which involves the POLICE) and having me dragged off to the psych ward instead of accepting the fact that I want to die and helping me put my affairs in order. I'd prefer it if my psychiatric conditions were seen as terminal—which they kind of are, judging by the suicide rates among people with bipolar and other mood disorders—so that the mental health industry wouldn't spend so much time keeping me alive and miserable.

I literally think about it all the time how my conditions should be seen as terminal. I feel like after a certain point we should be able to choose. I've tried, I've tried so hard and I don't want to try anymore. I wish people could respect that. I am in pain more than I am not, it just isn't always physical. You can't always see it on my vital signs or lab work but it I am telling you, I feel it. It's real. And most people know it's real. It's just argued that we aren't of sound mind. People who go through euthanasia with terminal physical illnesses most likely aren't of sound mind either. They still get to choose. It should be the same.

 

[makethepainstop]

I hate that everything about suicide has to be handled in secret. I wish I could warn my friends beforehand that I was going to kill myself so that I could get my affairs in order without having to send a timed email, worry about my abusive parents getting involved after I die (even though they didn't give a shit about me after I ran away from them for their anti-LGBTQ bigotry), make sure that my work was preserved, and make sure I had a legacy in place. But because this is a suicide, rather than a terminal illness, I have to handle it in secret or be hauled off to the psych ward. I don't want to go to the psych ward, because I don't want to live in this shitty, inaccessible, ugly, awful society. I just want to have a death of my own choosing and be able to tell my friends I want to end my life and have that decision be respected. I want to be able to say, "Existence has become wearisome. I don't think I'll be able to handle this for much longer. It's time to go." I want to be able to have people around me at my deathbed. I want to be able to make funeral plans beforehand. I want to prepare the people around me for my death. I almost want to say that I have a terminal illness so that I can plan for my death, but I don't want to lie.

I just want to be fucking honest about how I'm feeling without losing my autonomy.

Hey bro, let's take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Ok I'm gay so know all about people having on gay folks. My mom's family were Georgia, Christian rednecks. I would like to see you hang out here a while. People here all have our problems, so we all can share our pains. Most users here are pretty nice, and they can be helpful. Sometimes it is better to wait a minute, before catching the bus. There will always be another bus available. Much love to you bro, with a very firm three minute hug.

 

[BipolarExpress]

Hey bro, let's take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Ok I'm gay so know all about people having on gay folks. My mom's family were Georgia, Christian rednecks. I would like to see you hang out here a while. People here all have our problems, so we all can share our pains. Most users here are pretty nice, and they can be helpful. Sometimes it is better to wait a minute, before catching the bus. There will always be another bus available. Much love to you bro, with a very firm three minute hug.

Thank you so much. The bus is coming, but it's not coming yet. I still need to get some things in order before I go for good.

 

[makethepainstop]

Thank you so much. The bus is coming, but it's not coming yet. I still need to get some things in order before I go for good.

Well you don't need to hurry, there is always more time. Perhaps we can chat on occasion.

 

[ge0rge]

somewhat related, but i do have an IRL friend who knows about my intentions and perspective and he's very chill about it -- not in a not caring about me way, but in a way that is rational and accepting while acknowledging the difficulty of everyone's position. he's a treasure.

 

[SamTam33]

Its the worst when you are constantly surrounded by the people you love and call friends but you can't say a single word to them in regards to it.

It reminds me of something a celebrity said, I think it might've been Will Smith, about how people only love you when you're doing what they want you to do. If you do XYZ, then I'll love you and be there for you.

Love becomes transactional.

But true love is allowing the person to become what they were meant to be, regardless of whether or not you benefit from it.

These people we call friends and family are only interested in supporting our choices IF it's something they agree with.

Otherwise, we're on our own.

 

[Caustic]

It reminds me of something a celebrity said, I think it might've been Will Smith, about how people only love you when you're doing what they want you to do. If you do XYZ, then I'll love you and be there for you.

Love becomes transactional.

But true love is allowing the person to become what they were meant to be, regardless of whether or not you benefit from it.

These people we call friends and family are only interested in supporting our choices IF it's something they agree with.

Otherwise, we're on our own.

Thats an amazing way of putting it.

 

[BipolarExpress]

Thats an amazing way of putting it.

It is! I think the only people who tend to love unconditionally are parents—and that's if you're lucky. My parents professed to love me unconditionally, but their behaviour was hardly loving.

(I don't give a shit what they think once I'm gone—I just don't want them involved with my funeral or anything involving my death, just as I didn't want them involved in my life. I've been estranged from them for sixteen years and counting.)