I'm a person who knows EXACTLY how to live life and I had the tools and opportunities to have an amazing life but I figured it all out years too late. If I could just go back to some age before 30, I could smash it in life. Now I am turning 30, so many doors have shut forever and more are shutting with each passing moment. The man I was supposed to be with is living the BEST life with his girlfriend who is also living the BEST life. Its a life I can't even conceive of for myself because I am so many years behind them and now I am too late. Those years lost to mental health issues, lack of knowledge, lack of skill, lack of guidance, making every mistake known to humanity. Meanwhile them 2 went from A to B to C like it was nothing. Yes they had their issues, problems and obstacles because everyone has those but they are not massive fuck ups like I am. I just wish I could have had a mentor, someone to give me advice/guidance, someone who saw me fucking up and actually said something instead of saying nothing. I think that guy and his gf probably had good upbringings and probably didn't have mental issues either. I just wish I could have lived up to my potential like they did.
I also spend a lot of my time frozen daydreaming and agonising over the past, what could have been, problems in the present, impossible issues I can't solve either now or in the future. And I feel stuck. And I've felt stuck for years watching time rapidly pass me by and I continue to stay stuck while everyone else seems to move rapidly past me. Life IS a race and I just wish we could all go back to the starting line and have another go of it because I'm the one who left the starting line very late not knowing the rules of the race and then tripped up multiple times on the way. How the fuck are people so GOOD at life? How are they going from A to B to C without major disasters, mental collapse, massive issues? How do they just go from A to B to C like that? I can't get anything done with my days nowadays because I'm stuck in my head all the time.
My "friends" aren't there for me. One of them ditches me for her boyfriend and her family and always puts them before me and she doesn't listen to me or respect me. Another doesn't respect me or treat me well and wasn't there for me when I needed him. Another can't keep a secret so I can't confide in her. My family aren't there for me and don't treat me well. I have no support system. I don't know how to get through hard times when I have no one to turn to and no one to support me. Some of my "friends" are only there during the good times and some of them aren't really there at all.
Is it natural selection or is it the luck of having the right upbringing and the right brain and body or both? I just wonder whether I was destined to be a failure.
I'm so behind my age group, I feel like I have spent my whole life just copying other people in a desperate attempt to keep up because people are working out how life works years before me and leaving me behind again and again. Just when I figure out how life works, suddenly I'm older and the rules have changed and I'm behind again. I just know if I could have another chance at life, I could have made it. But I'm a failure and a fuckup and all of my opportunities in life have been lost and I am so unhappy. The future is bleak as I am over a decade behind my age group trying to somehow catch up and reach them but I can't get close and now doors have permanently shut and things I need to be happy in life are not possible anymore. What now?
Every day I tell myself I will get stuff done and every day I spend the day in my head agonising over my problems and what could have been and I do nothing and I don't know how to change. I seem to sleep for 12 hours a day but I'm still always tired and low energy. I wish someone could help me and support me out of the hole I'm in. I wish I had anyone to lean on. I wish I had just one friend who is actually there for me. I wish I had a time machine.
It all feels so unfair. If I had a better family, I wouldn't be in this mess. If I didn't have a history of social anxiety and no social skills, I'd have more and better friends who would support me rn. If I didn't have mental issues through childhood and all the way through to the age of 29 caused by my childhood, I could have had a fair start and a fair chance. Things could be so much worse than this but they're still bad. They're also bad in a way no one gives a fuck about. Like people will succeed in life and then look at me like I'm pathetic, stupid and useless without understanding the hidden barriers I faced that they aren't aware of and which they will never understand because childhood issues isn't a systemic disadvantage that is widely talked about. I know I am moping but no one I know or have met is a fuckup like I am and there has to be a reason for that. Like why has it been so hard for me and so easy for my peers in comparison? Why? And I can't blame my parents because their childhoods were horrific and they are damaged too. Its just a cycle of being held back in life passed from one generation to another and its not fair and I can't escape because I am stuck in the cycle too. I just want a fair chance in life. We should all be able to get our basic needs met but so many of us can't. Why?
I also spend a lot of my time frozen daydreaming and agonising over the past, what could have been, problems in the present, impossible issues I can't solve either now or in the future. And I feel stuck. And I've felt stuck for years watching time rapidly pass me by and I continue to stay stuck while everyone else seems to move rapidly past me. Life IS a race and I just wish we could all go back to the starting line and have another go of it because I'm the one who left the starting line very late not knowing the rules of the race and then tripped up multiple times on the way. How the fuck are people so GOOD at life? How are they going from A to B to C without major disasters, mental collapse, massive issues? How do they just go from A to B to C like that? I can't get anything done with my days nowadays because I'm stuck in my head all the time.
My "friends" aren't there for me. One of them ditches me for her boyfriend and her family and always puts them before me and she doesn't listen to me or respect me. Another doesn't respect me or treat me well and wasn't there for me when I needed him. Another can't keep a secret so I can't confide in her. My family aren't there for me and don't treat me well. I have no support system. I don't know how to get through hard times when I have no one to turn to and no one to support me. Some of my "friends" are only there during the good times and some of them aren't really there at all.
Is it natural selection or is it the luck of having the right upbringing and the right brain and body or both? I just wonder whether I was destined to be a failure.
I'm so behind my age group, I feel like I have spent my whole life just copying other people in a desperate attempt to keep up because people are working out how life works years before me and leaving me behind again and again. Just when I figure out how life works, suddenly I'm older and the rules have changed and I'm behind again. I just know if I could have another chance at life, I could have made it. But I'm a failure and a fuckup and all of my opportunities in life have been lost and I am so unhappy. The future is bleak as I am over a decade behind my age group trying to somehow catch up and reach them but I can't get close and now doors have permanently shut and things I need to be happy in life are not possible anymore. What now?
Every day I tell myself I will get stuff done and every day I spend the day in my head agonising over my problems and what could have been and I do nothing and I don't know how to change. I seem to sleep for 12 hours a day but I'm still always tired and low energy. I wish someone could help me and support me out of the hole I'm in. I wish I had anyone to lean on. I wish I had just one friend who is actually there for me. I wish I had a time machine.
It all feels so unfair. If I had a better family, I wouldn't be in this mess. If I didn't have a history of social anxiety and no social skills, I'd have more and better friends who would support me rn. If I didn't have mental issues through childhood and all the way through to the age of 29 caused by my childhood, I could have had a fair start and a fair chance. Things could be so much worse than this but they're still bad. They're also bad in a way no one gives a fuck about. Like people will succeed in life and then look at me like I'm pathetic, stupid and useless without understanding the hidden barriers I faced that they aren't aware of and which they will never understand because childhood issues isn't a systemic disadvantage that is widely talked about. I know I am moping but no one I know or have met is a fuckup like I am and there has to be a reason for that. Like why has it been so hard for me and so easy for my peers in comparison? Why? And I can't blame my parents because their childhoods were horrific and they are damaged too. Its just a cycle of being held back in life passed from one generation to another and its not fair and I can't escape because I am stuck in the cycle too. I just want a fair chance in life. We should all be able to get our basic needs met but so many of us can't. Why?
