Sakura.
Nienawidzę siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 138
One year ago, on September 27, I made the most tragic mistake of my life...
One year ago, on September 27, I lost everything I ever had in my entire life...
I lost what was most important in my life...
I lost what was most precious in my life...
I lost the best that ever happened to me...
***
For over three months, I was in the most tragic, most terrible, most extreme mental state imaginable...
For over three months, every day, in my every moment, I suffered horribly...
I was in constant, terrible pain, constantly completely mentally devastated...
And for over three months, I bear it all, endured it all, just to be able to help her...
Just to be able to support her as much as possible...
But yet, being put in the most extreme, most difficult, most tragic situation possible, when she was just about to kill herself...
...just for a moment I couldn't bear it...
I didn't know what I was doing...
I had no control over what I was doing...
And I made a mistake...
A mistake that caused me to lose everything...
***
I never act on emotion.
I never do anything without thoroughly considering it.
I never make mistakes like that...
And yet, I made one...
Once...
Perhaps for the first time in my life...
And just when I made one, it had to be the biggest mistake of my life...
And just when I made one, it had to be the one that took everything away from me...
***
A year has passed since that mistake...
That entire year was taken away from me because of that mistake. ..
For that entire year, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, I suffered terribly because of it...
That entire year was devastated and wasted because of it...
And it will continue to be so in the years to come...
Every year after that will also be taken away from me because of it...
***
A year has passed, and I still can't accept what happened...
A year has passed, and I still can't come to terms with it...
And I don't want to...
I don't want to force myself to ignore what happened...
I don't want to forget it and move on...
It was too important to me to continue living, despite what happened...
***
I understand that she will never forgive me...
I could never have dreamed of it after my mistake...
And yet, throughout that entire year, despite everything, in every moment of my every day I dreamed of it, and yet it was the most important thing to me...
And after a year after that mistake, during which she didn't forgive me, I can't even dream of it even more...
.
I understand that she will never forgive me, that she doesn't want anything to do with me, that she would like to forget all about it as soon as possible...
But I, for my part, do not want to forget about it...
I prefer to continue to remember it. I prefer to continue to suffer so terribly because of it, because it was too important to me...
***
I would like, I would like so much, to commit suicide on the anniversary of my mistake, September 27th...
I would like, I would like so much, but unfortunately, I won't.
You don't have to talk me out of it, and you don't have to wish me luck.
I'm not someone who would commit suicide impulsively or emotionally. I'm not someone who would be driven to attempt suicide by a single event, the anniversary of a certain date, or the desire to give my suicide some symbolism.
That's a good thing. Even though even a completely impulsive suicide would still be rational in my case.
My situation and my condition are such that even in the case of an impulsive, ill-considered suicide attempt, suicide itself would still be rational.
Which doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't want to commit it impulsively, that I wouldn't want the attempt to be actually a mistake under the given circumstances.
In this one case, however, I wish things were different...
In this one instance, however, I'd like all of this to compel me to actually do it for emotional reasons, to do it symbolically, to do it for this one reason, to do it on this particular day...
In this one case, it would be actually rational.
***
I would have committed suicide on September 27th, the anniversary of when I lost everything...
I would finally punish myself...
It would be only fair for me and for her...
I even know the exact time of my mistake, down to the second...
It's 7:55:18 PM...
I would have drunk my SN at that exact second...
By the end of that day, I would have been finally gone...
I won't do it, but I wish I could...
***
I remember thinking about all of this one April day, in the middle of the night, when, just like any other day, I thought about it all at night, when, like every day, I couldn't sleep because of it.
I promised myself...
In a way, I promised her...
...that I would really do it...
That I would do it on this very day, at this very hour...
Regardless of my mental state, regardless of what I go through each day, I never cry. I haven't cried even once in almost three years...
And yet, without the act of crying itself, tears were streaming down my cheeks...
She was too important to me to be able to live without her...
One year ago, on September 27, I lost everything I ever had in my entire life...
I lost what was most important in my life...
I lost what was most precious in my life...
I lost the best that ever happened to me...
***
For over three months, I was in the most tragic, most terrible, most extreme mental state imaginable...
For over three months, every day, in my every moment, I suffered horribly...
I was in constant, terrible pain, constantly completely mentally devastated...
And for over three months, I bear it all, endured it all, just to be able to help her...
Just to be able to support her as much as possible...
But yet, being put in the most extreme, most difficult, most tragic situation possible, when she was just about to kill herself...
...just for a moment I couldn't bear it...
I didn't know what I was doing...
I had no control over what I was doing...
And I made a mistake...
A mistake that caused me to lose everything...
***
I never act on emotion.
I never do anything without thoroughly considering it.
I never make mistakes like that...
And yet, I made one...
Once...
Perhaps for the first time in my life...
And just when I made one, it had to be the biggest mistake of my life...
And just when I made one, it had to be the one that took everything away from me...
***
A year has passed since that mistake...
That entire year was taken away from me because of that mistake. ..
For that entire year, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, I suffered terribly because of it...
That entire year was devastated and wasted because of it...
And it will continue to be so in the years to come...
Every year after that will also be taken away from me because of it...
***
A year has passed, and I still can't accept what happened...
A year has passed, and I still can't come to terms with it...
And I don't want to...
I don't want to force myself to ignore what happened...
I don't want to forget it and move on...
It was too important to me to continue living, despite what happened...
***
I understand that she will never forgive me...
I could never have dreamed of it after my mistake...
And yet, throughout that entire year, despite everything, in every moment of my every day I dreamed of it, and yet it was the most important thing to me...
And after a year after that mistake, during which she didn't forgive me, I can't even dream of it even more...
.
I understand that she will never forgive me, that she doesn't want anything to do with me, that she would like to forget all about it as soon as possible...
But I, for my part, do not want to forget about it...
I prefer to continue to remember it. I prefer to continue to suffer so terribly because of it, because it was too important to me...
***
I would like, I would like so much, to commit suicide on the anniversary of my mistake, September 27th...
I would like, I would like so much, but unfortunately, I won't.
You don't have to talk me out of it, and you don't have to wish me luck.
I'm not someone who would commit suicide impulsively or emotionally. I'm not someone who would be driven to attempt suicide by a single event, the anniversary of a certain date, or the desire to give my suicide some symbolism.
That's a good thing. Even though even a completely impulsive suicide would still be rational in my case.
My situation and my condition are such that even in the case of an impulsive, ill-considered suicide attempt, suicide itself would still be rational.
Which doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't want to commit it impulsively, that I wouldn't want the attempt to be actually a mistake under the given circumstances.
In this one case, however, I wish things were different...
In this one instance, however, I'd like all of this to compel me to actually do it for emotional reasons, to do it symbolically, to do it for this one reason, to do it on this particular day...
In this one case, it would be actually rational.
***
I would have committed suicide on September 27th, the anniversary of when I lost everything...
I would finally punish myself...
It would be only fair for me and for her...
I even know the exact time of my mistake, down to the second...
It's 7:55:18 PM...
I would have drunk my SN at that exact second...
By the end of that day, I would have been finally gone...
I won't do it, but I wish I could...
***
I remember thinking about all of this one April day, in the middle of the night, when, just like any other day, I thought about it all at night, when, like every day, I couldn't sleep because of it.
I promised myself...
In a way, I promised her...
...that I would really do it...
That I would do it on this very day, at this very hour...
Regardless of my mental state, regardless of what I go through each day, I never cry. I haven't cried even once in almost three years...
And yet, without the act of crying itself, tears were streaming down my cheeks...
She was too important to me to be able to live without her...
