BPD fucking sucks and I can't just enjoy things I always have to be upset and annoyed about something. I just want to leave. I have so many issues and self sabotaging behaviors constantly going on in my life. im fucking my FP (best friend) who talks about girls he's interested in dating. He makes me so mad and it's so shitty of him to fuck me while simultaneously being lovey dovey with another girl rn. Yet of course I constantly have to thrill seek and fuck this shitty dude and do everything with him. I'd rather go than constantly live through this cycle of thrill seeking from my FP and then ultimately get cut off by them and replaced with someone more deserving of their love. I want to leave so bad and I even have a date to CTB planned but in all honestly I'm probably going to not go through with it because my FP hasnt cut me off yet and I need to keep thrill seeking. I've tried ctb so many times and I'm always held up by something so clearly God doesn't want me dead and he's using me for something but I wish I was just useless to him and he'd let me in heaven already.
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