Sicariidae
Sicarius
- Jan 12, 2026
- 16
I know I keep making posts here. Sorry. I swear life just keeps finding new ways to spit in my face. It feels stupid. At this point I genuinely feel like I'm some kind of cosmic joke or God's little toy or something. I know people have it worse than me. I know that. I always know that. But it still hurts anyway. I'm just tired. I don't think I'm as strong as I keep pretending I am.
On Friday I asked my ex if we could watch a movie together on Saturday, she agreed. She told me to remind her on Saturday so we could figure out a time. So I did. I reminded her. I suggested a time.
Nothing. She just... disappeared. The whole day. Then the next day too.
When she finally came back she didn't even mention it. No "sorry," no "I forgot," nothing. She just said she needed a few days to herself like the ghosting part had never happened. I wasn't even mad she needed space. I would've understood that if she'd just told me. It was the pretending it never happened that hurt.
So I didn't answer. Mostly because I figured if she wanted space then I should leave her alone. But also because I was hurt and didn't even know what to say.
Then the next day she asked me if I was okay because I hadn't replied. I explained why I was upset.
Later she asked if one of her friends could talk to me. I already had a bad feeling because the last time this friend talked to me it felt like they'd already decided I was the bad guy before I even said anything. Like she only heard one side and that was enough.
I still said yes because... I don't know. Maybe it'd help. It didn't.
It just became paragraphs and paragraphs about how apparently everything between me and my ex is my fault. That I'm making her mental health worse. That I keep forcing interactions. But I don't understand. I genuinely don't. How was I forcing anything?
She agreed to it. She told me to remind her. I reminded her because that's what she asked me to do. Then she disappeared. How is that me forcing anything? I keep going over it in my head and I feel like I'm missing some invisible piece everyone else can see except me.
It honestly feels like huge parts of the story just... weren't told. Because somehow I ended up being the unreasonable one again. Even after I explained my side it didn't feel like it mattered. It felt like the conclusion had already been made and everyone was just waiting for me to catch up to it.
Apparently the reason she's like this now is because of how I used to be.
And... okay. Maybe.
I wasn't perfect. It was my first relationship. I'd just started university and had other issues which I told my ex about at the time. I made mistakes. I was distant. But distant for me meant replying a few hours later because I was overwhelmed, not disappearing for days without saying anything. She asked me to work on it and I did. It took me a while but I did. I genuinely tried. I thought I had gotten better.
Last year she broke up with me.
Earlier this year we both promised we'd improve because neither of us wanted things to end like that. Then later she asked if we could be friends with benefits, and not sexually, just... emotionally. Closer than regular friends.
Now it feels like none of that meant anything.
Now I'm just another friend. Maybe not even that. Everyone else seems more important than me now.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Maybe I really am.
I don't know anymore.
But there's so much context that people don't know.
Our old friend group completely fell apart because one of the guys caught feelings for my ex. He spent months trying to push me out. He bullied me constantly. Tried to make me disappear from the group entirely. That whole thing messed both of us up way more than I think people realise, but nobody ever seems to mention it anymore. It's like it never happened.
So hearing that everything is my fault just... It feels unfair.
Eventually I removed her friend because I couldn't keep reading paragraph after paragraph explaining why I'm apparently the problem and why I should leave my ex alone.
So I will.
I'll leave her alone.
I'm just... tired.
It feels like everyone I get close to either disappears, dies, or eventually decides I'm the problem. I don't know if that's just life or if there's actually something wrong with me anymore. Maybe people just leave. Maybe that's all they do.
The worst part is I don't even think my ex is a bad person. I really don't.
She's kind. Or at least I know she can be. That's part of why this hurts so much. It's strange how otherwise kind people can end up hurting someone when they can convince themselves they're justified. I know she's struggling too. I know that. But I'm exhausted from constantly trying to explain away things that keep hurting me.
And this isn't even the only thing going wrong in my life right now.
Everything else feels like it's falling apart too.
I don't know anymore. I'm just so tired. Really, really tired.
I think I'll resume trying to get SN and ctb because I'm not up to deal with this anymore.
On Friday I asked my ex if we could watch a movie together on Saturday, she agreed. She told me to remind her on Saturday so we could figure out a time. So I did. I reminded her. I suggested a time.
Nothing. She just... disappeared. The whole day. Then the next day too.
When she finally came back she didn't even mention it. No "sorry," no "I forgot," nothing. She just said she needed a few days to herself like the ghosting part had never happened. I wasn't even mad she needed space. I would've understood that if she'd just told me. It was the pretending it never happened that hurt.
So I didn't answer. Mostly because I figured if she wanted space then I should leave her alone. But also because I was hurt and didn't even know what to say.
Then the next day she asked me if I was okay because I hadn't replied. I explained why I was upset.
Later she asked if one of her friends could talk to me. I already had a bad feeling because the last time this friend talked to me it felt like they'd already decided I was the bad guy before I even said anything. Like she only heard one side and that was enough.
I still said yes because... I don't know. Maybe it'd help. It didn't.
It just became paragraphs and paragraphs about how apparently everything between me and my ex is my fault. That I'm making her mental health worse. That I keep forcing interactions. But I don't understand. I genuinely don't. How was I forcing anything?
She agreed to it. She told me to remind her. I reminded her because that's what she asked me to do. Then she disappeared. How is that me forcing anything? I keep going over it in my head and I feel like I'm missing some invisible piece everyone else can see except me.
It honestly feels like huge parts of the story just... weren't told. Because somehow I ended up being the unreasonable one again. Even after I explained my side it didn't feel like it mattered. It felt like the conclusion had already been made and everyone was just waiting for me to catch up to it.
Apparently the reason she's like this now is because of how I used to be.
And... okay. Maybe.
I wasn't perfect. It was my first relationship. I'd just started university and had other issues which I told my ex about at the time. I made mistakes. I was distant. But distant for me meant replying a few hours later because I was overwhelmed, not disappearing for days without saying anything. She asked me to work on it and I did. It took me a while but I did. I genuinely tried. I thought I had gotten better.
Last year she broke up with me.
Earlier this year we both promised we'd improve because neither of us wanted things to end like that. Then later she asked if we could be friends with benefits, and not sexually, just... emotionally. Closer than regular friends.
Now it feels like none of that meant anything.
Now I'm just another friend. Maybe not even that. Everyone else seems more important than me now.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Maybe I really am.
I don't know anymore.
But there's so much context that people don't know.
Our old friend group completely fell apart because one of the guys caught feelings for my ex. He spent months trying to push me out. He bullied me constantly. Tried to make me disappear from the group entirely. That whole thing messed both of us up way more than I think people realise, but nobody ever seems to mention it anymore. It's like it never happened.
So hearing that everything is my fault just... It feels unfair.
Eventually I removed her friend because I couldn't keep reading paragraph after paragraph explaining why I'm apparently the problem and why I should leave my ex alone.
So I will.
I'll leave her alone.
I'm just... tired.
It feels like everyone I get close to either disappears, dies, or eventually decides I'm the problem. I don't know if that's just life or if there's actually something wrong with me anymore. Maybe people just leave. Maybe that's all they do.
The worst part is I don't even think my ex is a bad person. I really don't.
She's kind. Or at least I know she can be. That's part of why this hurts so much. It's strange how otherwise kind people can end up hurting someone when they can convince themselves they're justified. I know she's struggling too. I know that. But I'm exhausted from constantly trying to explain away things that keep hurting me.
And this isn't even the only thing going wrong in my life right now.
Everything else feels like it's falling apart too.
I don't know anymore. I'm just so tired. Really, really tired.
I think I'll resume trying to get SN and ctb because I'm not up to deal with this anymore.
