whalestoeletters
goodbye all you secret files
- Aug 18, 2025
- 8
It's a fairly common fact of life that one's comfort often comes at the expense of another's wellbeing. It's an equally common fact of existentialism that this is unbearable. I hate to sound trite, but experiencing the consequences of the hedgehog's dilemma firsthand is one of the major factors of my desire to CTB.
I live with a cluster-B personality disorder. Despite my best efforts, it has done significant damage to my ability to maintain personal relationships and regulate my emotions. With every inch closer to another person comes the risk.. no, guarantee, of harming them - sometimes irreparably - and I struggle to cope with this. My brain consistently generates phantasms of grudges, of anger and resentment directed towards me that I cannot help but reflect back onto whoever I am afraid of losing. My spines are sharper than ever, but the last thing I want is to lose that warmth.
Of course, living this way for an extended period of time generates a palpable sense of ennui. What is the point of personal relationships if my very conceptualization of them leads to constant injury - which adds up over time - to catastrophic results? To inevitable separation?
I've always thought the term "Landmine Girl" quite vacuous and objectionable, but I can't help but identify with it on a very palpable level. I cannot help but feel as though my efforts to bring others closer to me ends up a trap, a ploy for me to abuse and mistreat them. Inevitably, they end up distant and disappointed. The harder I try, the further they distance themselves. It is as though I am the only one with these sharp spines.
So, what to do? If I were any stronger, I would submit to absurdism, begin constructing meaning from the pain and chaos of life. But I am not. My feelings will always prevail over my rationality, and the pain will remain oversized, too big for my body to hold. I cannot continue existing in this manner. Principally, my brain will never allow me to form productive relationships with anyone in my life, even with all the hard work and therapy and medication and DBT training. I was not built to handle socialization, but I am doomed to exist as a social animal. This non-equivalence will be my undoing. I would rather not live in continued suffering.
I live with a cluster-B personality disorder. Despite my best efforts, it has done significant damage to my ability to maintain personal relationships and regulate my emotions. With every inch closer to another person comes the risk.. no, guarantee, of harming them - sometimes irreparably - and I struggle to cope with this. My brain consistently generates phantasms of grudges, of anger and resentment directed towards me that I cannot help but reflect back onto whoever I am afraid of losing. My spines are sharper than ever, but the last thing I want is to lose that warmth.
Of course, living this way for an extended period of time generates a palpable sense of ennui. What is the point of personal relationships if my very conceptualization of them leads to constant injury - which adds up over time - to catastrophic results? To inevitable separation?
I've always thought the term "Landmine Girl" quite vacuous and objectionable, but I can't help but identify with it on a very palpable level. I cannot help but feel as though my efforts to bring others closer to me ends up a trap, a ploy for me to abuse and mistreat them. Inevitably, they end up distant and disappointed. The harder I try, the further they distance themselves. It is as though I am the only one with these sharp spines.
So, what to do? If I were any stronger, I would submit to absurdism, begin constructing meaning from the pain and chaos of life. But I am not. My feelings will always prevail over my rationality, and the pain will remain oversized, too big for my body to hold. I cannot continue existing in this manner. Principally, my brain will never allow me to form productive relationships with anyone in my life, even with all the hard work and therapy and medication and DBT training. I was not built to handle socialization, but I am doomed to exist as a social animal. This non-equivalence will be my undoing. I would rather not live in continued suffering.
