pogostick
Student
- Jul 29, 2025
- 118
I went to the railway station today honestly just to chill out. My connection to watching trains go by is obviously kind of unique because that is how I plan to die, though not at this station.
I'm an alternative 19 year old, so whether it's at a train station or in a convenience store, I always get really anxious that people will perceive me as somebody who's being antisocial or lingering or just generally some kind of criminal, but honestly when I'm at the station I find myself kind of wanting that. I kind of want to stand too close to the tracks and pace and loiter and stuff with the intention of being perceived as a risk. I'd be pretty overjoyed with somebody having to pull up and check on me. Maybe I just want to be checked on.
Sitting here really puts it into perspective too, at a station specifically moreso than the open rail I usually sit at. Like, I can see the conductor and all the passengers and there's a sign telling me who the station manager is and all of these people would know if I killed myself here. I don't feel really negatively about that, feel like in a way it's part of the appeal. I don't know, I've always really struggled with feeling like I *want* to hurt people because of intrusive thoughts. I don't really know if it's what I want or if it's what my brain is telling me I want.
I've also been getting a lot of dreams/ visions of somebody else attempting suicide while I'm there, either successfully or unsuccessfully. I honestly find myself wanting that too. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just writing this in my notes and I'll upload it when I get home because the signal is shit here.
I've also been particularly passionate about rail suicide recently, I've even done artwork for Samaritans that will be in train stations next month. It's kind of crazy how accessible these things are. The station I'm at currently is just two concrete slabs and an otherwise side open railway (opposite a school, I'd like to add). Granted, there is a bridge that goes above the station and stairs that take you to both platforms, one platform staircase is blocked at the bottom and asks you to sign in if you'd like to access the platform. I think that's a good idea. As I said, though, it's only on one side, whether that's for a reason or just something that's pending, I do find it kind of stupid.
Anyway, I think the only thing that's kind of keeping me going now is that I don't want to die without having sex or kissing somebody (which is quite common, I've heard) but I know that won't save me. That's kind of a random thought but I figured I'd chuck it in lmao
I'm an alternative 19 year old, so whether it's at a train station or in a convenience store, I always get really anxious that people will perceive me as somebody who's being antisocial or lingering or just generally some kind of criminal, but honestly when I'm at the station I find myself kind of wanting that. I kind of want to stand too close to the tracks and pace and loiter and stuff with the intention of being perceived as a risk. I'd be pretty overjoyed with somebody having to pull up and check on me. Maybe I just want to be checked on.
Sitting here really puts it into perspective too, at a station specifically moreso than the open rail I usually sit at. Like, I can see the conductor and all the passengers and there's a sign telling me who the station manager is and all of these people would know if I killed myself here. I don't feel really negatively about that, feel like in a way it's part of the appeal. I don't know, I've always really struggled with feeling like I *want* to hurt people because of intrusive thoughts. I don't really know if it's what I want or if it's what my brain is telling me I want.
I've also been getting a lot of dreams/ visions of somebody else attempting suicide while I'm there, either successfully or unsuccessfully. I honestly find myself wanting that too. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just writing this in my notes and I'll upload it when I get home because the signal is shit here.
I've also been particularly passionate about rail suicide recently, I've even done artwork for Samaritans that will be in train stations next month. It's kind of crazy how accessible these things are. The station I'm at currently is just two concrete slabs and an otherwise side open railway (opposite a school, I'd like to add). Granted, there is a bridge that goes above the station and stairs that take you to both platforms, one platform staircase is blocked at the bottom and asks you to sign in if you'd like to access the platform. I think that's a good idea. As I said, though, it's only on one side, whether that's for a reason or just something that's pending, I do find it kind of stupid.
Anyway, I think the only thing that's kind of keeping me going now is that I don't want to die without having sex or kissing somebody (which is quite common, I've heard) but I know that won't save me. That's kind of a random thought but I figured I'd chuck it in lmao
