I went to the psychiatrist today to get benzos for the SN

[Ellipsis]

I went to the psychiatrist after drinking some whiskey to give me courage. I had never been there in my entire life, but I told myself that it was necessary to try everything for everything. I was actually looking to get benzos for the SN. In the end, it didn't help much, I felt uncomfortable, terribly anxious and like shit. He told me that for my social phobia problems I had to force myself to go out because you can't live by staying locked up at home. And that I had to motivate myself because I lacked motivation. It was quite violent, especially since it took me a lot of courage to consult, it was unthinkable for me.

I kept crying on my way out, unhappy that I didn't have my benzos. And on the other hand, I couldn't tell the doctor that I wanted to die, that the real problem was my suicidal thoughts.
In the end he just prescribed me antidepressants (Paroxetine). I still went to get them from the pharmacy and the lady looked at me with a look of pity as she gave them to me.

Great day. This further confirms my desire to die.

 

[Hollowman]

I've had that look of pity from them too. What do you mean by it being quite violent?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like an awful experience what you went through. I understand why you would be so disappointed at not being able to find what you were looking for. But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for, existence can certainly be cruel and painful.

 

[Ellipsis]

I've had that look of pity from them too. What do you mean by it being quite violent?

Violent in the sense that telling me that I lack willpower, motivation and that I don't go out enough hurt me. I've been forcing myself for certain things every day for years, and it just doesn't work. And I can't stop fighting to keep going, to do things even "without motivation" in my life so that everything doesn't fall apart.
Afterwards I can't blame him too much, I had to lie a little otherwise I would have been hospitalized.

 

[almaranthine]

I'm sorry this visit was so demoralizing for you. Sometimes, these doctors can be quite cruel. To tell someone with severe social anxiety that they just need to "get out more" is so demeaning. Clearly, if one didn't have debilitating anxiety they would obviously go out more. I can't believe that these people are paid so well to give such shitty advice. It is not easy to just walk into a doctors office and get benzodiazepines. Heck, even when they are already prescribed to you, many doctors will not want to continue writing a script. This happened to me with klonopin, which was genuinely helping me at the time. I got a different doctor at clinic I was going to who refused to renew my prescription and tried to give me some shitty antidepressants instead. I was really upset back then, trashed the script and never went back. I understand now that few doctors will keep a patient on benzos for longer than a few weeks because the meds are addicting and lose effect over time (I think four months is the max time recommended). I'm sorry you weren't able to get what you needed. My thoughts are with you

 

[Ellipsis]

Thank you for your words, the saddest thing is that I tell myself that this experience could have been worse, there must be some serious cases. Of course, I didn't have much chance of getting any, but I told myself that I had to try one day or another. I regularly see stories of people getting it easily. I don't know what to do suddenly, if I take the antidepressants. Knowing that I intend to make an attempt at SN soon. I am even more lost.

 

[almaranthine]

Thank you for your words, the saddest thing is that I tell myself that this experience could have been worse, there must be some serious cases. Of course, I didn't have much chance of getting any, but I told myself that I had to try one day or another. I regularly see stories of people getting it easily. I don't know what to do suddenly, if I take the antidepressants. Knowing that I intend to make an attempt at SN soon. I am even more lost.

I would pm you if I could. I feel similarly. I'm so lost at the moment. The SN is sitting on my kitchen counter beckoning me; I don't have the money in my bank account to make it through till the end of the year, and I'm very much ready to give up after years of living broke, unfulfilled, and mentally ill. I'm not sure how so many are able to get the prescription drugs with ease. Some people even say they get them online (without a script I guess). Idk, I gave up trying to obtain all the different drugs recommended for SN, even the meto.

 

[Ellipsis]

I would pm you if I could. I feel similarly. I'm so lost at the moment. The SN is sitting on my kitchen counter beckoning me; I don't have the money in my bank account to make it through till the end of the year, and I'm very much ready to give up after years of living broke, unfulfilled, and mentally ill. I'm not sure how so many are able to get the prescription drugs with ease. Some people even say they get them online (without a script I guess). Idk, I gave up trying to obtain all the different drugs recommended for SN, even the meto.

I understand you, I think I'm spending my last moments and at the same time, the CTB still seems far away. I am completely torn inside. As for drugs, I managed to get everything except benzos, and I know that is probably the most difficult, especially in some countries. I can PM you if you want, I believe I can.

 

[Sammie]

Thank you for your words, the saddest thing is that I tell myself that this experience could have been worse, there must be some serious cases. Of course, I didn't have much chance of getting any, but I told myself that I had to try one day or another. I regularly see stories of people getting it easily. I don't know what to do suddenly, if I take the antidepressants. Knowing that I intend to make an attempt at SN soon. I am even more lost.

Try the antidepressants, they may help you. I'm a true believer of trying everything and anything to get better before making "other" decisions that often are made impulsively and cannot be taken back. I understand you feel you're at the end of your rope, but perhaps if u at least tried to take the recommendations and help from the professionals first it may help you, but if treatment eventually does prove futile then at least you've gained the trust from the professionals as you become a known patient, and maybe then you would be able to get the meds you ask for with lots of your own research and trying of their recommended meds first. I'm sorry you had such a negative experience, but know that pretty much no doctor (or at least I'd hope) will just put in a script that someone off the street asks for by name, a brand new patient who comes in asking for a certain type of med off the bat, especially of something as addictive and with potential for abuse and not to be used long term, as benzos, is a red flag for drug-seeking behavior. Just think, this doctor knows nothing more about you except that you are there asking for benzos.