qualityOV3Rquantity
Experienced
- Jul 27, 2024
- 239
I went to see an old friend today. I hadn't seen her since 2023, since early 2024 is when I dropped out of university due to my chronic illness. We met on the university campus and walked around for a couple hours and talked, it was very nice.
And yet I feel awful now. I don't know why. I was worried before I went that my chronic illness would flare up while I was with her, that it would be embarrassing and the whole thing would be ruined. But it stayed under control, everything went well. Now I feel sick again, but that's to be expected, the pain won't stay away for an entire day.
She's an international student from a faraway country. We shouldn't have much in common, but it seems we actually do, or at least we get along well. She's going back to visit her home country soon, she's been away from her family for more than 3 years. She asked how I was doing, since I told her a few months ago I was doing badly mentally I told her I'm doing much better. Although I realize it wasn't true, it felt true when I said it. And she's a good friend, but I don't know how much is really socially acceptable to share with her. And even if she was okay with it, she couldn't really do anything to change it anyway.
Everything went well today, but I still feel this crushing weight above me, this unbearable anxiety that I'm so close to ruining my entire life and worsen my condition through ignorance, through making some foolish mistake. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, my neighbors are watering their flowers, but it's like the warmth of the sun shines right through me, like I'm not part of this world, I'm just some strange creature that can't ever engage with the world the way others do. I did engage with the world today, I spoke with my friend, I hugged her, I bought a black coffee and drink it while talking with her about life, but somehow it just isn't real, it's just a meaningless illusion. Only the pain is real, only the fatigue and sore throat and twisting intestines, I live in a strange and cruel world within myself that I can't escape.
I wasn't happy in the past either, but at least things felt real, my pain meant something. The words meant something, the sunrise meant something, the future meant something.
I want to escape from this cold world I live in and join the real world again, but I think it might be too late.
And yet I feel awful now. I don't know why. I was worried before I went that my chronic illness would flare up while I was with her, that it would be embarrassing and the whole thing would be ruined. But it stayed under control, everything went well. Now I feel sick again, but that's to be expected, the pain won't stay away for an entire day.
She's an international student from a faraway country. We shouldn't have much in common, but it seems we actually do, or at least we get along well. She's going back to visit her home country soon, she's been away from her family for more than 3 years. She asked how I was doing, since I told her a few months ago I was doing badly mentally I told her I'm doing much better. Although I realize it wasn't true, it felt true when I said it. And she's a good friend, but I don't know how much is really socially acceptable to share with her. And even if she was okay with it, she couldn't really do anything to change it anyway.
Everything went well today, but I still feel this crushing weight above me, this unbearable anxiety that I'm so close to ruining my entire life and worsen my condition through ignorance, through making some foolish mistake. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, my neighbors are watering their flowers, but it's like the warmth of the sun shines right through me, like I'm not part of this world, I'm just some strange creature that can't ever engage with the world the way others do. I did engage with the world today, I spoke with my friend, I hugged her, I bought a black coffee and drink it while talking with her about life, but somehow it just isn't real, it's just a meaningless illusion. Only the pain is real, only the fatigue and sore throat and twisting intestines, I live in a strange and cruel world within myself that I can't escape.
I wasn't happy in the past either, but at least things felt real, my pain meant something. The words meant something, the sunrise meant something, the future meant something.
I want to escape from this cold world I live in and join the real world again, but I think it might be too late.
