Venting i went to a gay bar for the first time as a closeted trans person and i got scared and ran away

[eggsausagerice]

today is karaoke night. i saw it from the google maps page. i've been thinking about it all week, because i thought that i would have fun and try to talk to other people like me since i'm going to die soon anyways. i turned 21 in april and have avoided going to a bar because i imagined this exact situation, word for word, happening to me. i'm just predictable. people know i'm not good at socializing and would just end up fidgeting the whole time instead of doing anything. even people that don't know me think that i need to be more confident if i want to socialize at a bar.

i don't like people or loud noises, and when i get scared i end up having my eyes look wide and i don't move from my seat at all. i ordered a coke and left when i finished drinking it. i want to go back to the bar, but i think that i would just get scared and leave again because i don't know how to talk to people. everyone was in pairs or groups and people were going up to sing karaoke. the bartender looked like she felt bad for me when i pointed at my wallet to ask for my card back because i didn't want to order anymore drinks. this is how i acted when i tried to join my college campus's social clubs too. i just felt really scared and wanted to go home. i'm not good at talking to being around people. i can't even pretend to look like i'm having a good time, so people don't want to talk to me.

when i walked out of the bar i just started gagging and dry heaving. no one in the parking lot saw me, so it's fine. i just feel so stupid for showering, dressing up, and leaving the house just to leave the bar immediately because i wasn't having a good time. i'm going to walk back home so that i dont have to pay for an uber.

 

[_Vasa&Me_]

This is the biggest nightmare anyone with severe anxiety and/or agoraphobia can have and for you unfortunately it came true. Moments like these is exactly why people such as myself, you, and many others fall down to such pits of isolation and fear of the outside world.

I am so fucking sorry for how you felt in the moment, how stressful and alienating it must have been, while also at the same time feeling so hopeless in the aftermath… because if one cant even sit in a bar like that… life is basically over really

I dont have any words of encouragement besides just…. wishing I could at least give you a hug of understanding

If anything, what you did was EXTREMELY brave and does deserve praise, Im just sorry it turned out like that, you def deserve better

 

[graveflower]

I'm so sorry you went through all that- but I get it. But above everything else, I'm proud of you for even trying. You went out of your comfort zone and still did it- for as long as you could tolerate. That's something genuinely notable and worth praising.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i think the way i acted is really cringy and lame, but it makes sense that i would act like that if i always act like that in social situations. 2 years ago, when i was 19, i went to a night club that allowed people under 21 and i felt scared and like i wanted to go home. i didn't like the noise or the lights or doing much of anything. i was third wheeling someone more popular and with one of her friends i didn't talk to. this year and last year, it feels like my social circle has gotten smaller and smaller because of how many people i've cut out because of jealousy, resentment, or anxiety towards interacting with them. i barely knew that many people, and now that my sister's moved away for the summer, it feels like i barely have anyone in my life anymore.

yesterday night i was trying to make a post about how i felt embarrassed to be closeted, because my demographic is basically never represented in pride because we have nothing to be proud about. i'm just embarrassed of myself all the time for being the lamer version of someone with the same gender identity as me, because they transitioned and i haven't. i have a hard time verbalizing it because it just feels like an all consuming feeling of nothing that i can't talk about with other people because it's too depressing or they aren't trans so they wouldn't understand what it's like to be afraid of talking about a core aspect of yourself. i don't want to be like this. i don't want to be scared and meek and have people feel bad for people because i don't even know how to be social when i'm in a place you're meant to socialize and have a good time in. if i'm making it obvious that i'm scared and not having a good time, then it'd be better for me to go while everyone else has fun.

i don't want to talk to people because i don't have anything to talk about and i'm just not a good or interesting person compared to someone that you could meet. i'm socially awkward, hate myself, and i don't leave my house anymore because i'm scared of people. i'm sitting on the curb outside because my heels were getting sore walking home, but i'll get home eventually. my phone has better battery because i got a new one recently, so it won't die on the way back. it's so easy for me to resent people for being able to socialize, date, flirt, or be themselves. i don't know how people do it. i get so scared of saying something i feel sick. i don't want to be told to just do it, because the people that do already have confidence in themselves to try at all. i don't believe that people can or will like me. it makes me feel awful.

being closeted isn't a way to live, but i have no way to transition if i have no community and no support from my parents. i'm going to die feeling the same way i do tonight. i guess that's the bleakest part of not fitting into a small town suburb. even if there are queer people in my area, i'm afraid of them or they all already have partners or friends when they go out. i'm not like them. they found their people already. i feel less guilty about never going out if i would've embarrassed myself or ran out within 10 minutes in the same way.

 

[maplesugar]

It wasn't a gay bar, there are unfortunately none anymore where I live, but I've also reacted extremely "lamely" the one time I actually tried to go hang out at a bar. I got overstimulated and overwhelmed very fast, even though the bar was literally almost totally empty. I panicked very badly, and I ran out within a few minutes. I didn't order anything.

Bar environments are not for everyone tbh, you don't have to force yourself into that specific environment just because that's what other people do. It genuinely takes a lot of courage to do these things if they don't come naturally to you. You're by no means a 'lost cause' or something, though. The effort wasn't wasted, you actually did it, and that was brave. You lasted long enough to have 1 drink - that's longer than me. :p

 

[eggsausagerice]

It wasn't a gay bar, there are unfortunately none anymore where I live, but I've also reacted extremely "lamely" the one time I actually tried to go hang out at a bar. I got overstimulated and overwhelmed very fast, even though the bar was literally almost totally empty. I panicked very badly, and I ran out within a few minutes. I didn't order anything.

i'm really happy that someone was able to share a similar experience to mine. that was actually the main reason i wanted to make the post in the first place, besides having non one in my life i can tell because most of the people i know are straight and don't even need to go to a gay bar to meet people like them. i'm sorry that the area you live in doesn't have a gay bar or a queer space like mine, even though it would still be very anxiety inducing.

the bar/lounge area had small pairs of people, probably only 20 as an eyeball because it seemed like small venue. i think that in general, i get very socially anxious in places where i feel like i'm "meant" to socialize (parties, bars, clubs, gatherings). i get more frightened the more noise there is, or when i feel like people are looking at me. i wore a very simple outfit to the gay bar because i didn't want to stand out, which kind of shows the mindset i had going in. i'd never been to a bar before, so i was googling "what to wear to bar" and "how to look cool at bar". so lame of me just to run out. i can't fake confidence.

You're by no means a 'lost cause' or something, though. The effort wasn't wasted, you actually did it, and that was brave.

i think so too. if i wanted to try again i still can, even though i would probably want to throw up and cry because i'm so scared of being around people lol. i want to try to adopt the mindset of not being scared of anything to be confident if i've had a ctb date in mind for the past month, but i'm still a very sensible and anxious person despite everything. i hate being in environments where people drink or smoke because i don't like drinking or smoking, so it's kind of hard for me to be in bars or party environments even though that's where the young people are. i felt like such a kid sitting at the bar countertop. i kept trying to get the bartender's attention while she was making drinks so i could get my card back to leave. i think i wanted to leave the moment i walked in.

 

[[gbd8]]

I hope the walk home was peaceful.