Venting I was this close to a good life... but I failed. Need help to CTB

[hayyasylvy]

I wish I wasn't here, but i have no more option. I... was about to live the life I dreamt about. One day, I was close to joining the best college in my continent with the love of my life at my side, with a loving family and community. I was about to begin transition knowning I would have every support ever.... then I lost her, my school perfomance fell so much I can't enter any universities anymore, my family became fundamentalist evangelicals who would expel me if i came out. I just got HRT but it is too late now, if I knew I was a girl earlier I would have a good chance at being well but... now it doesn't matter, everything that made this life worthy that wasn't just gaming and watching anime is gone. I'm surrounded by good people, yet i feel so alone... there is no hope, just the dreams of a life that could never be and vague prayers for God's mercy to forgive CTBing and allowing me to be girl in Heaven. My mother will likely CTB herself, i have friends who always supported me and maybe care about me but I know I deserve everything. I was a porn addict, a scammer in Elder Scrolls Online and I was an asshole to my girlfriend, she forgave everything but I deserved to lose her. I... regret everything, im a demon... but i don't want to continue going like this anymore. there is no forgiveness for me..... only death can attone for what I did.

how letal is a head-on fall from a 30 store building? I'm attempting to CTB tomorrow at a building this size.

 

[plzoffme]

I'm sorry about all of your troubles. I am sorta in the same boat, I went after my dream/career for 8+ years and things were going well till they were not. I can't exist in thus life working a job I hate just to survive knowing I failed. I also suffer from Bipolar 2 so its coming to an end soon. I plan on CTB on 9/11.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

It's knowing not knowning - spell error but anyway you are human, bless you.

Your post sounds very boastful and yet sad at the same time. I'm sending you some healing your way and also some love and light your way.

May you find healing to whatever is nothing you and if you don't then I hope you will find your peace when you CTB.

All the best

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm a trans ally. It's terrible that trans people have go through so much discrimination. I wish society were more accepting. Do you live in a big city? If so, there is likely a large trans community who will support you. If not, you can probably find online communities of trans people who can be there for you. I'm a cis man. I can be empathetic and offer support but I can't relate as I am not trans. I'm met a couple of transgender people in my city and I've heard their stories. They said they went through a difficult time coming to terms with who they are.

I grew up gay in a fundamentalist evangelical church. This was decades ago long before being gay was accepted like it is today. It was hell. I had so much inner turmoil and self doubt. So I totally get where you're coming from.

I said I prayer for you just now. I'm wishing you all the best.

 

[Hollowman]

IIt's knowing not knowning - spell error but anyway you are human, bless you.

Your post sounds very boastful and yet sad at the same time. I'm sending you some healing your way and also some love and light your way.

May you find healing to whatever is nothing you and if you don't then I hope you will find your peace when you CTB.

All the best

It's bothering not nothing. "IIt's" you mean it's lol. Since you're so concerned with grammar.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

It's bothering not nothing. "IIt's" you mean it's lol. Since you're so concerned with grammar.

That was an autocorrect thing - apologies … I guess it's fair ey.

All the best