Venting I was supposed to die today

[dinosavr]

February 29th, ironically, a leap day = an extra day, is the day I chose to ctb. It was towards the end of 2023.
I was so sure back then that I would have everything figured out by today. I was so sure I could just put a deadline on my existence and stick to it. How pathetic and naive!
I'm much further away from the bus than 2-3 months ago. Instead of drinking SN I will go to another psychotherapy session this evening.
I didn't expect myself to end up at this point and I feel so stuck in a place where neither one of life and death is what I want and what I feel ready for.
Technically I have what is needed to go through either life (a full time job, friends, family, medical support, etc) and death (SN, antiemetics, no fear of death) and it seems like I'm facing some kind of a choice. But am I?? Is it something you actually get to choose?
The truth is I'm incredibly unhappy and I think it makes no sense to be alive and the only reason I'm still here is my family and friends. For them I'm trying to find my own reasons to wake up everyday.
I can't see that happening so I guess it's just a matter of time until my February 29th of dreams will finally come and I will NOT open my eyes again on March 1st and never ever again.

 

[moron]

Do you take comfort in the fact that it's there, tucked away and waiting for you should you decide it's time?

It's ok to change your mind and decide to live another day. I do understand your frustration. I hear you and I send you best wishes

 

[Praestat_Mori]

"Deadlines" r never a good idea imo, deadlines usually are no deadlines at all if sth is not done or finished by that time. They put pressure on you. Any living being is not made to die we're made to live hence SI and "fear" of death. Obviously you have what others don't have and causes them suicidal ideation. The question is, why r u not happy? What would you really wanna do in your life? What do u expect from therapy? You have to find the reason that makes you suicidal. saying "I'm not happy with life" is not the actual reason what makes you unhappy with your life and that is where a good therapy could start.

It's not bad at all. You have a great community here, we're here for you. I hope you find a way to cope with your situation and I hope with whatever you decide to do you find peace.

 

[dinosavr]

The question is, why r u not happy? What would you really wanna do in your life? What do u expect from therapy? You have to find the reason that makes you suicidal. saying "I'm not happy with life" is not the actual reason what makes you unhappy with your life and that is where a good therapy could start.

Some people have exact reasons to die - their financial situation, their health problems, homelessness, abusive relationships, traumas, etc. But there's quite a lot of people on sasu who don't want to live because they noticed life makes no sense, it's there, you're constantly fighting bigger or smaller obstacles just to die in the end anyway. So I guess it's just the idea of not seeing any point in this struggle. Every tiny thing may become overwhelming when there is NO point at all.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Some people have exact reasons to die - their financial situation, their health problems, homelessness, abusive relationships, traumas, etc. But there's quite a lot of people on sasu who don't want to live because they noticed life makes no sense, it's there, you're constantly fighting bigger or smaller obstacles just to die in the end anyway. So I guess it's just the idea of not seeing any point in this struggle. Every tiny thing may become overwhelming when there is NO point at all.

I understand that a lot of people here just don't wanna live - although I still have not understood how such a mindset can develop - but it is how it is. I still think when someone doesn't want to live a life external circumstances are the actual cause. That's not sth that develops from one minute to the other that's a process that developed over many years starting in youth and childhood already.

Dying isn't easy at all :-(

 

[dinosavr]

Small update:
I cancelled my therapy session, I'm having a serious mental breakdown in my bed and I'm crying for the first time since I have no idea when. Turns out I'm not that sure what I really want, what I don't want, I don't fucking know anything anymore, I'm SO angry and tired of all that. When will it finally be over????????!!!!!!