Venting i was supposed to die last week. i haven’t spent a single hour sober since

[waistcoat]

august 31st, it came and hit me like a truck, yet i am still here

i woke up 8am, having an anxiety attack as is my morning routine. i was laying next to my girlfriend. i ended up excusing myself and heading home a few hours earlier than i planned, because i couldn't shake the days morning panic attack away

on the train home i just broke down. i realised i can't put the people i care about through that. i've been convincing myself that i can but i honestly don't know if i'm able to.

i've been getting high & drunk for the past week and burying myself in everything as to not think, i don't want to process the fact i'm still alive

my daily routine is wake just before lectures, go to my lectures, come home, get high and sleep

i've been scared to even log on here
i just feel like a fucking failure
i hate this existence

please :( kill me

 

[TBONTB]

august 31st, it came and hit me like a truck, yet i am still here

i woke up 8am, having an anxiety attack as is my morning routine. i was laying next to my girlfriend. i ended up excusing myself and heading home a few hours earlier than i planned, because i couldn't shake the days morning panic attack away

on the train home i just broke down. i realised i can't put the people i care about through that. i've been convincing myself that i can but i honestly don't know if i'm able to.

i've been getting high & drunk for the past week and burying myself in everything as to not think, i don't want to process the fact i'm still alive

my daily routine is wake just before lectures, go to my lectures, come home, get high and sleep

i've been scared to even log on here
i just feel like a fucking failure
i hate this existence

please :( kill me

Let me say I'm sorry for your pain, and I'm glad you are here.

It sounds very painful to be torn between caring about people you love and wanting to be gone. Crazy making, as you are pointing out.

I've been spending some time with chat GPT therapist, who wants us to stay focused in short term and being grounded...whatever the long term is. Just sharing Chats pearls of wisdom if you wanted any.

They help me for at least 3-4 seconds

 

[whywere]

I REALLY want you to know that I care about you.

I cried reading this because I have had some of the same experiences and you are NOT alone EVER, and you are a VERY kind and important soul not only here BUT to your girlfriend and this world.

You ARE a very loving soul, I reread your posts so many times, and I strongly picked that aspect up so clearly.

You have a heart of gold, and you have me, and I bet so many others here, please always remember that we are ALL in this TOGETHER as a global family.

Sending you HUGE hugs, lots of loving and caring thoughts and have a wonderful upcoming weekend filled with vibrant blue sunny skies, and lots of loving and caring vibes.

YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!

Walter

 

[waistcoat]

I REALLY want you to know that I care about you.

I cried reading this because I have had some of the same experiences and you are NOT alone EVER, and you are a VERY kind and important soul not only here BUT to your girlfriend and this world.

You ARE a very loving soul, I reread your posts so many times, and I strongly picked that aspect up so clearly.

You have a heart of gold, and you have me, and I bet so many others here, please always remember that we are ALL in this TOGETHER as a global family.

Sending you HUGE hugs, lots of loving and caring thoughts and have a wonderful upcoming weekend filled with vibrant blue sunny skies, and lots of loving and caring vibes.

YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!

Walter

thank you walter <3 i appretiate your messages a lot on my posts, you're awesome <3