Venting I was ok until I wasn't.

[NotStrongEnough]

I have 2 methods at my disposal currently, both lethal, one straight out of the PPH handbook. I am a coward.

I am laying in bed and I don't know what to do. I put bullets in the mag for my gun but I can't put the mag in the gun.

I have 3 bottles of N and I can't down any of them. The closest Ive come is putting N into gel caps and using it to sleep for a long time. But I can't do the full deed. Of course we all know that's a collosal waste of N and I've only done it twice. I still have 3 bottles of it, just one with slightly less.

I'm scared. All Ive done today is lay in bed. I am taking care of a friend's cat for him. I saw him for the first time in almost 3 years the other day. Ive gained a lot of weight. Probably more than 100 pds. He kept staring at my gut. I know it was a shock to him but I didn't need that. And it's not his fault that Ive gained weight. Just another example of how I'm a shit human being but still can't do anything about it. But on the flip side, I can say I'm probably saving some poor dudes back who'd have to lift my dead fat ass.

I want out. I want to die. But I'm a fuckin coward who can't even put the bullets in the gun. If I can't do that how the fuck am I going to pull the trigger?

I should hire a hitman to take me out. A uh, political person with lots of flags on their truck threatened my bf with a gun after my bf accidentally cut him off. Maybe I should go and cut off a few of em and see if they'd shoot me. I'd be on purpose even, so they could really take their anger out on me. And kill one of "my kind" in the process.

My kind is a good way to put it for me. In multiple senses of the word.

Also, wow. Happy 1 year sanctioned anniversary for me.

 

[suicidalpushpop]

i'm a coward too. you are not alone. but i'm also a bit jealous that you have so much N. my good friend CTB soooooo damn peacefully from n. it was unbelievable

 

[Zegers]

It's not such a thing as being coward, it just might not be your time. When i get all the SN stuff ready i don't know when I'll be able to do it, I'll have to give myself a deadline of at least a couple of months.

 

[makethepainstop]

It's not such a thing as being coward, it just might not be your time. When i get all the SN stuff ready i don't know when I'll be able to do it, I'll have to give myself a deadline of at least a couple of months.

Me too, me too!

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that for many people ctb can still be difficult even with the most peaceful methods. After all, humans have to overcome the survival instinct in order to ctb, it doesn't mean that you are a coward feeling like you are unable to go through with it. At least you have the option of a peaceful exit for when the time is right. N really does sound like the most ideal method. I wish you the best.