I wanted it to he tonight so badly

[iset res]

Idk why I'm making this, I think it's just want to vocalize my pain.

I wanted to CTB tonight so badly...I got everything ready, left my notes, and walked out the door. In my head, the place I was going was going to be high enough to jump. My initial plan was hanging, I bitched out on the one night I had to do that. SI got me, I suppose. So now I'm going for method two. I walked about 20min from my apartment down to the exit onto the highway, and I went across the bridge, but the damn thing wasn't tall enough. I'm guessing it was only about 40ft, and I want the security of knowing the job is done. So I walked all the way there, completely calm of mind and finally ready, but had to turn back because it wasn't enough. I just sobbed violently my whole walk back and now because I just wanted it to be tonight so badly.i probably looked deranged on my way back. I don't want to take my meds and go another day with this weight and this pain. I'm hoping so bad that my car gets fixed tomorrow and I can drive to where I need to.

It sucks so bad. I wanted it to be tonight so badly. I even think I got over the SI for jumping. It just sucks so fkn badly...I'm so sorry.

 

[dolemitedrums]

You don't have to apologize. I'm happy to still have you around for another day.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find what you search for, I certainly understand it's so dreadful suffering in this painful existence when you just want to be gone, I wish you the best.

 

[Evelyn Lane]

My initial plan was hanging, I bitched out on the one night I had to do that. SI got me, I suppose.

Why, what happened?