Venting I want to write letters but god I can't bring myself to write them

[4Das]

I'm just so fucking tired, I don't want to write anything.
I have nothing to say, I'm just a miserable outcast, an autistic freak that was wrong on this planet to begin with.
I have nothing in mind to say, not even the persons that I really love.
it may seem selfish but my girlfriend is sure about killing herself and I really want to kill myself before she does, we planned to do double suicide before but now she feels guilty for taking me with her, I can't live without her it's not possible and I want to kill myself before I have to suffer the loss of my everything, all I want to do is tell her how much I love her, how much our time together meant to me and how I hope we will see eachother again, idk what I'm supposed to tell my mom and my sister, i will tell them I loved them and that I'm thankful they have been there for me, I really want to write more but it's such a hard task for me, it's so complicated and I can't bring Myself to write anything anymore, if I knew what to say that would make it better.
I will leave my mom behind in extreme pain but what am I supposed to do?? I have endured for years, for years I'm so fucking tired I can't take all of that anymore especially knowing I will lose my everything (my girlfriend) in a few months, if not earlier because this time I can't hold her back, I'm sorry mom I just can't keep living, everything about my existence is just wrong here idk what to do anymore

 

[nothere17]

Yeah I have kinda the same problem, I want to give everyone in my life a meaningful letter but I don't have the strength anymore. For the moment I just did like a "general" one ? Like one letter that says basically for everyone "Im sorry".

 

[4Das]

Yeah I have kinda the same problem, I want to give everyone in my life a meaningful letter but I don't have the strength anymore. For the moment I just did like a "general" one ? Like one letter that says basically for everyone "Im sorry".

it feels good to see someone that understands me
I hope everything for you will go good and you find peace, no matter what way it is

 

[nothere17]

it feels good to see someone that understands me
I hope everything for you will go good and you find peace, no matter what way it i

Thank you, hope this for you as well.

 

[Ludath]

This has some great ideas on how to make it easier on those around you, including things to include in any note. You don't have to follow all of it. Try not to stress too much. Just do what you are okay with if you ever CTB.

How to Leave with Minimal Pain for Those Who Remain

Hey everyone, I've been working on this guide because I'm interested in exploring options and details to consider so that CTB has the least possible negative impact on survivors and those who discover the body, to make ctb as sensitive as possible. I've seen many posts worried about "messing...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[4Das]

This has some great ideas on how to make it easier on those around you, including things to include in any note. You don't have to follow all of it. Try not to stress too much. Just do what you are okay with if you ever CTB.

How to Leave with Minimal Pain for Those Who Remain

Hey everyone, I've been working on this guide because I'm interested in exploring options and details to consider so that CTB has the least possible negative impact on survivors and those who discover the body, to make ctb as sensitive as possible. I've seen many posts worried about "messing...

sanctioned-suicide.net

thank you so much

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I wrote one last week. I think just keep it short and sweet.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

A couple years ago, I wrote a very long note when I was drinking alcohol. I don't know how I found the energy to write it, as I was barely hanging onto life at that time as it was. I'm trying to open it so I can read it but it's online only on Dropbox and I have to wait for the app to start up and my PC is being slow.

In the letter, I fully explained my beliefs about the right to die and tried to soften the blow to my family by telling them that there was nothing they could've done to help or prevent what was happening and that it was always going to be my choice. It took me a long time to finish it though, and I remember that as I was working on it, I took several breaks to take a walk outside and smoke a cigarette or 2 before going back to it.

Before writing that note, I broke up with my girlfriend that I had at the time, but she was still alive then. Only recently have I discovered that she isn't alive anymore and it hurt so bad to discover this after having not heard from her in so long. I miss my ex so badly some days because when we were together for those couple months back in 2023, we had something special that I never had before. Now that she's gone, I don't know what to do. I'm just glad my suicide note was already written a long time ago, so all I have to do is attach my printer to my PC and print it off.

I have projects I'm working on that I would love to finish before I do end my life, and I can only hope that the contributions they have added to this site are worthwhile as I've been posting stories in Off Topic that I have written. If you like, I could show you the note I wrote and maybe it can give you some ideas. I'm downloading it from Dropbox now so I can go back through it again and read it to remind myself of what I wrote.

 

[4Das]

A couple years ago, I wrote a very long note when I was drinking alcohol. I don't know how I found the energy to write it, as I was barely hanging onto life at that time as it was. I'm trying to open it so I can read it but it's online only on Dropbox and I have to wait for the app to start up and my PC is being slow.

In the letter, I fully explained my beliefs about the right to die and tried to soften the blow to my family by telling them that there was nothing they could've done to help or prevent what was happening and that it was always going to be my choice. It took me a long time to finish it though, and I remember that as I was working on it, I took several breaks to take a walk outside and smoke a cigarette or 2 before going back to it.

Before writing that note, I broke up with my girlfriend that I had at the time, but she was still alive then. Only recently have I discovered that she isn't alive anymore and it hurt so bad to discover this after having not heard from her in so long. I miss my ex so badly some days because when we were together for those couple months back in 2023, we had something special that I never had before. Now that she's gone, I don't know what to do. I'm just glad my suicide note was already written a long time ago, so all I have to do is attach my printer to my PC and print it off.

I have projects I'm working on that I would love to finish before I do end my life, and I can only hope that the contributions they have added to this site are worthwhile as I've been posting stories in Off Topic that I have written. If you like, I could show you the note I wrote and maybe it can give you some ideas. I'm downloading it from Dropbox now so I can go back through it again and read it to remind myself of what I wrote.

hey man thanks a lot for the long reply
I'm also sorry that your ex isn't here anymore, it must to be horrible to lose someone you had something so special with
saying I really understand what you have been through would be wrong, that's not what I'm trying to say, please don't get me wrong tho I wanted to say I can imagine how horrible that must feel, I have a girlfriend, she's a really special human to me and she herself plans on commiting suicide and this time I can't hold her back, I'm so deeply terrified and that's why I'm really sorry that you have lost your special person just like this
I'm sorry if the text here comes of as weird or Anything, I'm autistic and I'm kinda bad at like anything social related tho I wanted to say that

I have 2 questions that I'm really curious about, I'm not sure if they come off as rude or too personal or anything if they are please let me know, may I ask what type of projects you're doing?
and another one and I'm sorry to ask such a question tho I'm really curious, which cigarettes are your favourite? I really love cigarettes that's why I'm curious, sorry if it's rude to ask this

 

[Lost in a Dream]

hey man thanks a lot for the long reply
I'm also sorry that your ex isn't here anymore, it must to be horrible to lose someone you had something so special with
saying I really understand what you have been through would be wrong, that's not what I'm trying to say, please don't get me wrong tho I wanted to say I can imagine how horrible that must feel, I have a girlfriend, she's a really special human to me and she herself plans on commiting suicide and this time I can't hold her back, I'm so deeply terrified and that's why I'm really sorry that you have lost your special person just like this
I'm sorry if the text here comes of as weird or Anything, I'm autistic and I'm kinda bad at like anything social related tho I wanted to say that

I have 2 questions that I'm really curious about, I'm not sure if they come off as rude or too personal or anything if they are please let me know, may I ask what type of projects you're doing?
and another one and I'm sorry to ask such a question tho I'm really curious, which cigarettes are your favourite? I really love cigarettes that's why I'm curious, sorry if it's rude to ask this

It really was horrible to find out she was gone, but it was only after having not heard from her in a while. I had to find the post about her on facebook and it broke my heart. It was only yesterday that I found out, and I wish I had learned about it sooner but I didn't. I could've done so, but I guess part of me was afraid of knowing one way or another. Don't worry about your post being weird or anything. I'm probably autistic myself but I'm not sure as I never had it diagnosed. I've just always been different from most people my whole life.

I don't mind answering your questions. Probably my biggest project is a story that I've been working on called Ready2CheckOut. It's about a fictional suicide forum that is very much like Sasu and members of that site meet each other in real life by accident and one of them drives a hippie bus. I can post a link if you want: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ready2checkout-a-fictional-story-i-wrote.250312/

The other project is I'm posting screenshots in Off Topic to a Medieval 2 campaign I'm playing called Kevorkian Edition where the priests are euthanasia doctors and the churches are their clinics: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/medieval-2-total-war-kevorkian-edition.254812/

As for the cigarettes, the ones I loved the most were American Spirits. I loved the medium blue and medium green ones. They weren't super light ones or super strong ones and the green ones were the menthol version. I loved to alternate. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore because the nicotine stopped working for me. Only thing I smoke now is weed out of a pipe I got. I still love alcohol though. I know you didn't ask this, but Captain Morgan is my favorite rum and Voodoo Ranger is my favorite beer.