I want to heal. How do i deal with this very specific issue of mine?

[Minas]

My reasons for suicide are a low opinion of myself and self hatred, with me thinking i was made to be "used" by powerful people. I'm very, VERY submissive.

Which is why i can't do anything "fighting" related. I've stopped practicing martial arts because i came to feel like i don't wanna fight back anymore... All i want is to stand there and take it, let them do whatever they want with me.

When someone says that something i enjoy sucks or says something about me, like how i'm try hard because I've took around 2 months to beat Hollow Knight to make sure I've discovered everything in the game, I just apologize and say I'll stop liking it for them. I really am considering stopping playing what i enjoy so i don't have to deal with this again.

And i also can't get into fighting games and am terrified of anything with multi-player. I know that if i happen to fight another player, I'll just drop my controller.

That, and i also don't want to get stronger, but that's an issue for another time. Right now i want to see what i can do about my "freeze and let them do whatever they want with you" attitude.

It sucks because i find games like dragon ball fighter z so pretty, I love the art style, but i just... can't confront another person.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

My reasons for suicide are a low opinion of myself and self hatred, with me thinking i was made to be "used" by powerful people. I'm very, VERY submissive.

I'm so so sorry you feel like this. This is my biggest reason for CTB as well. I'm still extremely submissive because my parents beat me up when they thought I was defiant in my childhood.

30 years later, the situation is the same. My boss threatens to fire me when he thinks I'm defiant.

Which is why i can't do anything "fighting" related. I've stopped practicing martial arts because i came to feel like i don't wanna fight back anymore... All i want is to stand there and take it, let them do whatever they want with me.

I lift weights at the gym, because any game/match/competition is intimidating to me. I don't have to compare myself with others at the gym. (Luckily I'm female and don't have to compete with strong men there.)

When someone says that something i enjoy sucks or says something about me, like how i'm try hard because I've took around 2 months to beat Hollow Knight to make sure I've discovered everything in the game, I just apologize and say I'll stop liking it for them. I really am considering stopping playing what i enjoy so i don't have to deal with this again.

When it happened in the past, was the person who told you what you enjoy sucks, did they humiliated you?
Sometimes I write poems but I can't post it on anywhere else than SaSu because I fear getting humbled by eloquent poets on the internet.

And i also can't get into fighting games and am terrified of anything with multi-player. I know that if i happen to fight another player, I'll just drop my controller.

It sucks because i find games like dragon ball fighter z so pretty, I love the art style, but i just... can't confront another person.

I'm so sorry you can't enjoy video games you love. I loved video games as a child but stopped playing them because of this. In my case, I couldn't handle defeats.

That, and i also don't want to get stronger, but that's an issue for another time. Right now i want to see what i can do about my "freeze and let them do whatever they want with you" attitude.

Do you know why you're so submissive? In my case, I fear humiliation, defeats and overbearing people. It's just avoidance. I confront others only when my superiors tell me to do so.
I don't hate myself but still think I don't deserve respect, especially at work, because I'm low-skilled worker. People think I'm lazy. My boss actually said I'm "totally useless" and even called me a "punching bag."

It might feel like genuinely hopeless, but I hope you're somewhat lucky and your days will be a bit less unbearable