I want to get worse

[countach85]

I'm being so serious but I want to get worse. To be specific, I'm looking for a space (forum, chat, discord server, etc) where I can go to be berated and have my self-hatred corroborrated. Arguments would be nice too. I just want to be able to rant and have someone agree with me that I'm right about everything and I'm really as horrible as I say. I'm really fucking sick of saying things about myself that are earnestly true and having all the delusional crazies pop up to tell me I'm wrong and offer me platittudes and how I'm not as awful as I say, it's just a complete coincidence that things in my life are bad and not due to my actions at all.

I believe the only way through is to get worse. I need to punish myself so much that all of myself dissolves under the face of truth and reality. I need someone to shine a light on the cockroach that I am and scatter the darkness within me.

In Buddhism the only way to cease suffering is to cease desiring. I must hate myself so much that I no longer desire. I still suffer because I desire and until I am forced to accept that I deserve nothing and I'm inhuman I'll consider to suffer.

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm so sorry for your situation. So much pain in your words

 

[Celerity]

I'm being so serious but I want to get worse. To be specific, I'm looking for a space (forum, chat, discord server, etc) where I can go to be berated and have my self-hatred corroborrated. Arguments would be nice too. I just want to be able to rant and have someone agree with me that I'm right about everything and I'm really as horrible as I say. I'm really fucking sick of saying things about myself that are earnestly true and having all the delusional crazies pop up to tell me I'm wrong and offer me platittudes and how I'm not as awful as I say, it's just a complete coincidence that things in my life are bad and not due to my actions at all.

I believe the only way through is to get worse. I need to punish myself so much that all of myself dissolves under the face of truth and reality. I need someone to shine a light on the cockroach that I am and scatter the darkness within me.

In Buddhism the only way to cease suffering is to cease desiring. I must hate myself so much that I no longer desire. I still suffer because I desire and until I am forced to accept that I deserve nothing and I'm inhuman I'll consider to suffer.

I've been where you are. I believe that self-hatred will never eliminate desire, only accentuate it. You can only frame your deficiencies by all that you believe other people have that you don't.

Why do you think you are so awful?

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Even if you're a bad person and "deserve" it, I'm still sorry that life brought you to this point. It is very hard to be a good person.

 

[countach85]

I've been where you are. I believe that self-hatred will never eliminate desire, only accentuate it. You can only frame your deficiencies by all that you believe other people have that you don't.

Why do you think you are so awful?

No reason to think I'm not awful. I've never accomplished anything. I'm almost 28 and I've never had a job, I'm a 3-time school dropout, no one has ever loved me, I don't have friends that would notice if I was gone and I don't have parents who care when I go without eating. People look upon me with disgust and they only talk to me to make fun of me, or they used to but they don't even do that anymore. I'm a ghost. I'm inhuman. When people look at me they can tell just by looking that I don't have a "soul" and they rush to get away from me.

I can't remember the last time I felt happiness. I can't really remember not being suicidal either. I've spent the past years holding it off, thinking it'd get better, and it never did. I thought leaving high school would help but truthfully I'm a lower person than I was when I was 12.

I'm an awful person because even the most awful people I can think of, racists and abusers are happier than me and have found love. There's someone out there for everyone except me. Everyone is unlovable except me. I don't even know what love feels like. I'm lower than the low. I'm lower than children. I'm a waste of resources and air and I don't even deserve to eat. Everything including happiness is wasted on me. My parents treat me like an animal and they're correct to. I don't deserve good things. If I did they would've happened already. If I were more selfless and kinder I'd have killed myself already but I'm very sadly holding onto 2027, or at least 2026 if I can muster it (maybe if I can self-hate further I can do it then.)

 

[Celerity]

No reason to think I'm not awful. I've never accomplished anything. I'm almost 28 and I've never had a job, I'm a 3-time school dropout, no one has ever loved me, I don't have friends that would notice if I was gone and I don't have parents who care when I go without eating. People look upon me with disgust and they only talk to me to make fun of me, or they used to but they don't even do that anymore. I'm a ghost. I'm inhuman. When people look at me they can tell just by looking that I don't have a "soul" and they rush to get away from me.

I can't remember the last time I felt happiness. I can't really remember not being suicidal either. I've spent the past years holding it off, thinking it'd get better, and it never did. I thought leaving high school would help but truthfully I'm a lower person than I was when I was 12.

I'm an awful person because even the most awful people I can think of, racists and abusers are happier than me and have found love. There's someone out there for everyone except me. Everyone is unlovable except me. I don't even know what love feels like. I'm lower than the low. I'm lower than children. I'm a waste of resources and air and I don't even deserve to eat. Everything including happiness is wasted on me. My parents treat me like an animal and they're correct to. I don't deserve good things. If I did they would've happened already. If I were more selfless and kinder I'd have killed myself already but I'm very sadly holding onto 2027, or at least 2026 if I can muster it (maybe if I can self-hate further I can do it then.)

It sounds to me like the problem started with your parents and that you have been taught to hate yourself. No parent should put their child through that.

Have you read John Bradshaw? If not, I would encourage you to check out this book: https://creativegrowth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/bradshaw_shame-1.pdf

On Reddit, r/CPTSD would be a good space for you, I think. Many people on there have dealt with severe abuse.

I am so sorry that your life has gone this way. I have just met you and only online, but the way you write indicates to me that you are intelligent and capable of diligence. I think you have more potential than you think.

 

[Rockman]

Could you share at what point in Buddhist teachings you discovered that self-hatred is the path to the destruction of desire?

For me, it's the perfect plan for feeding an overweight ego.

Try emptiness. If you can understand emptiness and then practice it there will be no room for any desires. None. Then you simply will be.

If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to give it to anyone else. The world has given you a clue as to where to start: the sheer amount of work it takes to cultivate self-love.

Good luck with your spiritual awakening.

 

[countach85]

It sounds to me like the problem started with your parents and that you have been taught to hate yourself. No parent should put their child through that.

Have you read John Bradshaw? If not, I would encourage you to check out this book: https://creativegrowth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/bradshaw_shame-1.pdf

On Reddit, r/CPTSD would be a good space for you, I think. Many people on there have dealt with severe abuse.

I am so sorry that your life has gone this way. I have just met you and only online, but the way you write indicates to me that you are intelligent and capable of diligence. I think you have more potential than you think.

it didn't. I actually lived quite a good childhood and nothing traumatic ever happened to me. I dislike myself for no reason. There's no deeper meaning behind this. I'm not intelligent and I'm certainly not diligent and it's honestly quite funny you found that. If I had potential I would've done something already, but I don't. I wouldn't have squandered every opportunity I had, but I did. This quag I'm in is of no one's fault but my own. I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to hate but myself. I have no one to escape or abandon but myself because there is nothing before me. There is only me and my mistakes.

Could you share at what point in Buddhist teachings you discovered that self-hatred is the path to the destruction of desire?

For me, it's the perfect plan for feeding an overweight ego.

Try emptiness. If you can understand emptiness and then practice it there will be no room for any desires. None. Then you simply will be.

If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to give it to anyone else. The world has given you a clue as to where to start: the sheer amount of work it takes to cultivate self-love.

If being loved requires me to l*ve myself then I simply refuse to do it. I will take myself out of the equation entirely. To do that to myself would require me to collapse my entire identity and foundation and I can't do it. There is no me with l*ve.

I suffer because I secretly believe, that despite everything, I deserve something. I still desire to eat and play and love and above all else, I desire to be happy. I desire to not be hurt. It's this cowardly desire that keeps me attached to the world. If I could erase all parts of myself which desired I would finally be free. The suffering will cease to matter anymore. I must jettison all parts of myself, if that's the only way to do it. If I'm starving because I'm hungry then I must simply train myself to no longer feel hunger.

 

[Rockman]

You have that right.
Your choice.
And destroying identity is like tearing down a house of cards that someone has poorly designed.
You are there and that's it.
Everything else is just a damn room to be decorated, demolished, or the whole house blown to the ground, leaving nothing but emptiness.

But I'll leave that to your therapist if you decide to.

If I'm starving because I'm hungry then I must simply train myself to no longer feel hunger.

Realistically you have two options: become a survivalist and find food. The second is to accept starvation without a fight. Lay and enjoy the free time you have left.


Have fun, whatever you do.