Help I want to get worse.

[sgifeei]

Ok well this sounds really twisted.
But I want to ruin myself.
Because who am I if not my illness? I feel like I lost all my personality, all my dreams and talent.
The only thing that I have right now is my illness, which I really don't know what is really anymore.
My therapist says that what it says on paper really doesn't matter in a sense of diagnosis, so she just wrote me F41.2 (mixed anxiety and depression). I do not feel like it is right since I have so many other symptoms which I don't know if I am a bad person since I do not have a diagnosis. Like, I have ocd, bpd, adhd, autism symptoms, but not enough to diagnose me since I do not fit enough symptoms.
God, I hate myself.
I wish I can get some illness and die soon.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I think that when it becomes hard to succeed, we want to ruin ourselves more and more and more, when "winning at life" in whatever shape you define that gets further away, you wanna get worse because you want to be able to ctb and end the pain forever.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I do not feel like it is right since I have so many other symptoms which I don't know if I am a bad person since I do not have a diagnosis. Like, I have ocd, bpd, adhd, autism symptoms, but not enough to diagnose me since I do not fit enough symptoms.
God, I hate myself.

Can you elaborate? Why do you feel like you are a bad person for not having a diagnosis, if that's what you meant?

You do not need a diagnosis to be "valid" and that's what your therapist wants you to realize. I know that people on social media are often excited to shove their "professional diagnosis" in your face as if their pain is somehow more genuine because they fit a certain set of criteria on a piece of paper. Do not fall for this!

 

[lil dwayne]

Like the worse it all is the more "fair" or "legit" it is to want to CTB

 

[ERB]

Can you elaborate? Why do you feel like you are a bad person for not having a diagnosis, if that's what you meant?

You do not need a diagnosis to be "valid" and that's what your therapist wants you to realize. I know that people on social media are often excited to shove their "professional diagnosis" in your face as if their pain is somehow more genuine because they fit a certain set of criteria on a piece of paper. Do not fall for this!

At my worst moments I try to remeber I have no real perspective to come to a fair conclusion about anything, so I rely on what loved ones and other trusted people have told me to guide me trhough those times. I bring it up because I remeber a dear friend telling me once that bad people don't ever wonder if they are bad or not, nor do they even care. If you care, I dare say you may not be a bad person, just maybe have taken some bad decisions, like all of us have and will continue to.

I have to believe that we are more than the sum total of our actions.
I hope this perspective may help a bit