Venting I want to get better

[SilverFog]

I just want to be happy. For a while things were looking a lot better for me, but now I'm back to where I was before. I just want to be able to fix myself but whenever I'm getting better for a bit something happens that destroys all the progress I made, and I go right back to pushing away my friends, and thinking everyone hates me and would be happier if I was dead. I guess it's a self fulfilling prophecy at this point. I got diagnosed with BPD not too long ago, but it didn't help with fixing my broken head. It just looks/feels like I'm stuck as a toxic, self destructive person, who gets too attached to anyone who makes me feel less alone, then inevitably something happens where I'm abandoned again and try to kill myself. I just feel like the universe wants me to stay broken and suffering, I'm trying to get a job but can't, I'm trying to get proper medication but my psychiatrist ghosts me and I can't get my prescription. I can barely eat anything anymore, and I think it's messing me up a lot. I'm Sorry for the whining, I'm just lost and idk what to do anymore.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

I just want to be happy. For a while things were looking a lot better for me, but now I'm back to where I was before. I just want to be able to fix myself but whenever I'm getting better for a bit something happens that destroys all the progress I made, and I go right back to pushing away my friends, and thinking everyone hates me and would be happier if I was dead. I guess it's a self fulfilling prophecy at this point. I got diagnosed with BPD not too long ago, but it didn't help with fixing my broken head. It just looks/feels like I'm stuck as a toxic, self destructive person, who gets too attached to anyone who makes me feel less alone, then inevitably something happens where I'm abandoned again and try to kill myself. I just feel like the universe wants me to stay broken and suffering, I'm trying to get a job but can't, I'm trying to get proper medication but my psychiatrist ghosts me and I can't get my prescription. I can barely eat anything anymore, and I think it's messing me up a lot. I'm Sorry for the whining, I'm just lost and idk what to do anymore.

Wanting to is an start if you do want to get better. Fighting a self-fulfilling prophecy is hard, I do know it first hand.
I guess is part of life, cycles and feeling stuck in a loop, but that is exactly when you make a choice to either end it all or break the loop somehow.

Now the question is, what do you want and how much of yourself are you willing to put on the table for it? (Rhetorical question, don't answer it to me)