Help i want to get better but i dont??? (asking for advice)

[lukewarmlemon4de]

bit of a rant.

part of me, perhaps impulsively, wants to get "better" so i become happier, become a better gf (and ig have enough will to live to eventually move in with her), and a better person in general. therapy is out of the question, but i trust that i can find something i enjoy enough and self reflect


however, another part of me doesnt want to get better because i partially feel like i lose a "common language" with my friends if i became less traumatisrd or get better. in fact, part of me wants to get worse- maybe through drugs and alcohol, or, more accessibly, having enough courage to

Spoiler: tw?

self harm or watch gore (to make myself more traumatised idk)

. part of me also thinks if i can get better i wasnt in that much of a pickle in the first place (e.g especially because i dont have any diagnosed mental conditions, probably mot depressed, no chronic diseases, basically having a decent life, paremts never abused too badly)

somone please convince me otherwise idk

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

bit of a rant.

part of me, perhaps impulsively, wants to get "better" so i become happier, become a better gf (and ig have enough will to live to eventually move in with her), and a better person in general. therapy is out of the question, but i trust that i can find something i enjoy enough and self reflect


however, another part of me doesnt want to get better because i partially feel like i lose a "common language" with my friends if i became less traumatisrd or get better. in fact, part of me wants to get worse- maybe through drugs and alcohol, or, more accessibly, having enough courage to

Spoiler: tw?

self harm or watch gore (to make myself more traumatised idk)

. part of me also thinks if i can get better i wasnt in that much of a pickle in the first place (e.g especially because i dont have any diagnosed mental conditions, probably mot depressed, no chronic diseases, basically having a decent life, paremts never abused too badly)

somone please convince me otherwise idk

Don't feel like you have to stay sick just to relate to your friends, if they're really your friends they'll stay your friends and support you in getting better. As someone who also feels like they aren't traumatized enough, the mere act of feeling that way might be a sign of it I heard. How ironic. But please recover, I know a part of you deep down wants recovery even if you're conflicted, because I feel the same way.

 

[Cloud Busting]

part of me, perhaps impulsively, wants to get "better" so i become happier, become a better gf (and ig have enough will to live to eventually move in with her), and a better person in general. therapy is out of the question, but i trust that i can find something i enjoy enough and self reflect

Those are great goals and your recovery plan sounds nice.

however, another part of me doesnt want to get better because i partially feel like i lose a "common language" with my friends if i became less traumatisrd or get better.

Some people become out of touch when they recover, but I think staying connected to those who suffer is doable. I vow to never forget what it's like or to lose empathy.

Also consider that maybe getting better would actually improve your relationships. As for friends, I know they could vanish at any time, so I try to cherish what I have now than mourn potential loss.

Is it better to have and lose or to never have and never lose? I wonder about that all the time.

part of me also thinks if i can get better i wasnt in that much of a pickle in the first place (e.g especially because i dont have any diagnosed mental conditions, probably mot depressed, no chronic diseases, basically having a decent life, paremts never abused too badly)

Everyone suffers. It's not a contest.

I think reducing suffering in others is a more worthwhile pursuit than suffering the most.

 

[whywere]

A beautiful sun rise, and an equally beautiful sun set with vibrant reds, yellows and all types of other hues.

Having one's favorite food and drink under a relaxing moonlit evening.

Being on SaSu with other folks who can cheer a person up, have a conversation with gee like a family!

Knowing that one DOES make a difference in other folk's lives, even if one does not recognize it.

Having someone like me and so many others who care about you, want the best for you and could never ever imagine life without you in it ever.

You are a loving, vibrant and ever so caring person, your posts scream this, and I for one cannot imagine this site without you ever.

Walter

 

[lukewarmlemon4de]

i guess this is my pledge to try to become happier :>

 

[huifu]

i guess this is my pledge to try to become happier :>

you should always focus on your happiness first, no matter if it means CTB or recovery, you should do what feels the best for you and not about what would your "friends" think about it.
after all, like the first reply said, if they're really your friends they'll be supportive of your recovery. you already went through this ugly path and you know what it feels like, so even if in the future you don't feel suicidal or depressed anymore, it doesn't mean that you're going to lose your empathy.

but please, prioritize yourself first. if any of your friends aren't supportive or ridicule you in any way for your decision, it's best to walk away. empathy should go both ways, and it's natural to want the people you love to be well.

and also please don't feel pressure to sh or watch gore, it's actually a good thing you don't have the "courage" (as you call it) to do that, it can fuck up your subconcious in the long term, stay safe.

 

[tapewormsinthestool]

bit of a rant.

part of me, perhaps impulsively, wants to get "better" so i become happier, become a better gf (and ig have enough will to live to eventually move in with her), and a better person in general. therapy is out of the question, but i trust that i can find something i enjoy enough and self reflect


however, another part of me doesnt want to get better because i partially feel like i lose a "common language" with my friends if i became less traumatisrd or get better. in fact, part of me wants to get worse- maybe through drugs and alcohol, or, more accessibly, having enough courage to

Spoiler: tw?

self harm or watch gore (to make myself more traumatised idk)

. part of me also thinks if i can get better i wasnt in that much of a pickle in the first place (e.g especially because i dont have any diagnosed mental conditions, probably mot depressed, no chronic diseases, basically having a decent life, paremts never abused too badly)

somone please convince me otherwise idk

I know this'll sound bad, but sometimes being comfortable isn't good. You have to be at least a little bit uncomfortable at some point, because if you aren't, you'll never recover. Ever. We all have to do things we don't want to, wether it be from fear or just generally not wanting to do it.

If your friends truly care about you, they'll stay with you, suffering or not. You shouldn't have to harm yourself to prove something or keep people. No one is "better" at being traumatized than someone else, your shit is as valid as everyone else's and anyone who tells you otherwise can kick rocks.

 

[Galam]

I really wonder how your 'friends' look. Your situation with them reads very unhealthy. Are they middle-class drug addicts and you are their punching bag that is seen as boring because you don't take any drugs?