i want to feel better but i dunno how w/o professional help

[iori011x3]

i think this is the first time i've posted in recovery. perhaps that's a step forward, idk. anyways this post is partially vent and partially seeking advice since i genuinely don't know what to do.

i've been wanting to die for some time now and along the way, i hurt all my friends. one of them took a break from me because it was too much to bear. it's unfortunate timing since the morning of that interaction, something in me changed and wanted to legit look towards recovery. i wish he stayed longer but i can understand why he couldn't. i basically gave him depression.

i think perhaps it was a big wake up call for me. i did end up attempting after he cut me off but today, when i woke up, i had hope again. and i really want to trust in it this time because i just really don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

now the thing is, from what i could understand from messages in a group chat i wasn't in (my other friend showed me the messages on her phone) my friend group had been sharing screenshots and private convos i had with a friend/close confidant with each other. i got frustrated and blocked everyone for space to think. i know they care and they just want the best for me, but it still ended up rubbing me the wrong way.

i thought about it for a long time, and decided that i should really just ask one of them why they did that and talk about our feelings. i don't even know if this is the right course of action. i unblocked them and sent them a dm asking to talk but not wanting to pressure them.

am i really going to be okay? i think that maybe i should take some space from them after the result of the convo to properly reflect for longer. i just really REALLY don't want to hurt anyone anymore. i got the cops called on me twice and i cant help but feel bad for the cops who have to go out of their way to drag me back to my house. i cant help but feel bad that i've hurt my friends by being toxic towards them. all i really ever wanted was to feel like they cared about me and i think they didn't know how to words things in a way where i felt loved.

can someone tell me if i seem to be on the right track? i know i'll stumble along the way but i want to feel okay again. and i want to be able to talk to my friends again without hurting them.

 

[nightlygem]

You're on the right track, I promise. The idea of trying to get better is already such a huge step, and I'm proud that you've acknowledged that you might be able to make some progress. Honestly, the biggest thing I can tell you is to remind yourself every morning that you're one step closer to being ok. Of course, progress is not a straight line, so don't be afraid if your emotions get the best of you. What's important is that you stay calm and try to balance out your negative emotions with peaceful ones. Looking at cute pictures of animals, for example. Thinking about the love that your friends have for you. Things like that.
I do have access to professional help, however, I've dealt with most of my thoughts alone. I wake up every morning and remind myself "I'm not going to ctb today" and that the people I love the most need me to stay. I promise that this will work as long as you're consistent and are able to balance your emotions.

 

[iori011x3]

You're on the right track, I promise. The idea of trying to get better is already such a huge step, and I'm proud that you've acknowledged that you might be able to make some progress. Honestly, the biggest thing I can tell you is to remind yourself every morning that you're one step closer to being ok. Of course, progress is not a straight line, so don't be afraid if your emotions get the best of you. What's important is that you stay calm and try to balance out your negative emotions with peaceful ones. Looking at cute pictures of animals, for example. Thinking about the love that your friends have for you. Things like that.
I do have access to professional help, however, I've dealt with most of my thoughts alone. I wake up every morning and remind myself "I'm not going to ctb today" and that the people I love the most need me to stay. I promise that this will work as long as you're consistent and are able to balance your emotions.

thank you. i teared up reading this. i'll really take your advice. i really do hope everything will go okay.