Venting I want to disappear

[Painless_end]

I imagine myself dying everyday.

I was doomed as soon as I became a legal adult. I hated the world. I hated responsibilities. But I was able to overcome my hatred partially through sheer mental willpower and some spiritual leanings about fate and hardships.

But overall, I was never well adjusted for an extended period of time. I suffered terrible bouts of mental pain because of how much willpower I had to use to do things that came to others at much less willpower.

I always knew deep down what my problem was. And I also knew it couldn't be corrected in a meaningful way. This was very problematic because it means that I have to survive life while being some sort of weird malfunctioning individual with extremely regressive mental tendencies. Some of my friends thought I was just too introverted. But my problems went beyond that.

To cut another long story short, I had a very narrow window of time during which I had to make the jump from aimless teenager to functional adult, and I couldn't sustain it.

The major cause of my failure is that I always wanted to do very little work, like an artist completing a single painting, and then sit back and rest on my laurels. This kind of lack of motivation to keep growing really has destroyed my life to a great extent.

I have no desire to grow or earn money. I have no desire for anything. So I keep on thinking about death. I keep on wishing every day that I will not live to see another day. Because I know what I lost, I will never get it back.

However, I still look both ways before I cross the street because I don't want to be hit by a car. I keep wishing and hoping for an instant, painless death. Some kind of miracle that will just wipe the consciousness from my body in an instant without any pain.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I imagine myself dying everyday.

I was doomed as soon as I became a legal adult. I hated the world. I hated responsibilities. But I was able to overcome my hatred partially through sheer mental willpower and some spiritual leanings about fate and hardships.

But overall, I was never well adjusted for an extended period of time. I suffered terrible bouts of mental pain because of how much willpower I had to use to do things that came to others at much less willpower.

I always knew deep down what my problem was. And I also knew it couldn't be corrected in a meaningful way. This was very problematic because it means that I have to survive life while being some sort of weird malfunctioning individual with extremely regressive mental tendencies. Some of my friends thought I was just too introverted. But my problems went beyond that.

To cut another long story short, I had a very narrow window of time during which I had to make the jump from aimless teenager to functional adult, and I couldn't sustain it.

The major cause of my failure is that I always wanted to do very little work, like an artist completing a single painting, and then sit back and rest on my laurels. This kind of lack of motivation to keep growing really has destroyed my life to a great extent.

I have no desire to grow or earn money. I have no desire for anything. So I keep on thinking about death. I keep on wishing every day that I will not live to see another day. Because I know what I lost, I will never get it back.

However, I still look both ways before I cross the street because I don't want to be hit by a car. I keep wishing and hoping for an instant, painless death. Some kind of miracle that will just wipe the consciousness from my body in an instant without any pain.

I feel exactly the same… Although it took me decades to realize this is what was going on

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound ideal being able to instantly pass away in a peaceful way and finally be free from everything but unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the reality. It's all that I've wished for as well as the thought of being dead has always been very comforting to me. I believe that some people are just not meant for this world in any way.