Venting I want to die, but I'm very afraid of illness

[fleetingnight]

I think that's normal and logical, but it makes me feel like an idiot for some reason. Of course it's different to die when it's your own choice in the way you want to than dying painfully, slowly, in a way you don't want. But I feel like I should just take the opportunity, or at least take the opportunity of motivation, like that should be enough to finally push me to it, so I should be happy. But I'm worried. I don't want to before I'm ready. I don't want to go to the hospital.

I told myself I'd definitely, no matter what, ctb if I got Covid. Well, then I did, and, I didn't. I told myself, if I got Long Covid, I'll do it for sure. I think I might, but I'm afraid I'll still just suffer instead of getting it over with. I don't know what it's going to take to push me over the edge. I don't know what's wrong with me that nothing has yet.