Honestly, what really pushes me to get up everyday is talking down on myself until I get up in order to force myself to do something productive.
Wow thank you for your reply. This was really relatable for me to read. You're right... I should say something. I don't know if I ever will, but I should. Thank you.
You can leave a letter or email behind. A video recording. Not all at once either because that's overwhelming and then maybe you don't do it at all. Just jot down things as they come. Even if they never get heard. You can burn the notes if you have to. I hated my mom. I felt betrayed and burned a necklace (over a candle lol, took a long time) that was very important to me that I bought that symbolized her and then I threw it at her feet one day. She finally stopped drinking because she said she was about to lose her daughters for good. She was a great mom for an alcoholic. But nonetheless the damage was done. I didnt think I could forgive her but she earned it. Maybe knowing she had a chance to redeem herself gave her the strength to officially never drink again. I'm estranged from my sister officially after my father passed. Never could've dreamed our relationship would end like that. Her, I will never forgive. She doesnt have the heart to understand standing by family when they are too low to help themselves and they create collateral damage. My father and I were making progress. He drank because he always felt shut out by my mom and his "girls". He was a narcissistic but a very decent man. My sister is cold. My mom is selfless. I brought her out of bigotry and racism though a great deal. So people can change. People are hurt and dont know how to be parents. My mom had a narcissist cold mother and stripped away father figures so she was on her own. She had love from a grandmother, but otherwise I think it was just her being the black sheep as she was the the Pollyanna/Rocky Balboa personality. People are predisposed to alcoholism. We have a lot of Indian blood. It's a wonder I have no addictions. Just an addiction to not live. But suicide is in my family so there's just all kinds of nature vs nurture. They say nurture outweighs nature. I was hospitalized at the age of twelve for an overdose on aspirin (my naive ass thought I could die from reye's syndrome because my mother warned me about it). Spent 2weeks in one place; came out, and went back to another place for $25 a day on her waitress salary. While she still drank. Turned 13 in there. Im unsavable and I had a chance. I have one of the greatest mothers there is. I forgot what my point was sorry. I've been up all night and emotional from talking to my just now. Im 32 and still live with her! She doent realize that I'm about to hurt in the next month or so by leaving forever. I remember feeling very unwanted and blamed as a young kid at one point, and remember thinking in my child-like mind, "Even if neither of my parents love me, that's fine. I don't need it. I'll still be great on my own. Theming loving me doesn't dictate my worth. I know my strengths. Too bad they never will." I was obviously more strong-willed as a child than an adult lol. But I fully believed that, and I was perfectly content and at ease, with peace, that they didn't love me. I never wrote my father back when he would write from prison. I was a child and angry, and felt betrayed. Felt an allegiance to my mom. I wish I had responded though. Maybe that could've given him the hope that he still had us and could've stopped drinking. A lot of responsiblity and weight that shouldn't be put on a child, but that's the territory for children of alcoholics, and even more with cold narcissists. So I had it alot easier than you, and you're stronger and more resilient than I am obviously. I think you can still find a love of something that keeps you in this world. Can make peace with the loss, figurative or not, with them, and carry what's worth keeping of them that you can. You can find friends, a love, experiences. I still think there's hope for you. I'd like to think I'm qualified enough to say that seeing as I know there isn't for me. I didn't get to say goodbye to my father. If I had texted him back the night before he may have not had the alcohol-driven accidental fire. I would've been able to find out he was without heat. Helped with his health. What can kill you is regret and shame.
Best of Fate
I don't feel like I deserve to exist but at the same time I don't want to exist. And yeah, it's really hard to get out of bed everyday. Also makes graduating from uni hard.
Being is school when you feel this, under that kind of pressure added, is an accomplishment. That's growth in and of itself. You sound like a perfectionist. There's a lot of screwed up things that come with being children of alcoholics. You might read up on it. We are often used as scapegoats; feel guilt early on that isn't ours; take on responsibility of being a parent; anxiety and depression of course, which are best friends and just cycle, one worsening the other which in turn worsens the other, over and over. God forbid you should have a decent day, and then your dark shadow finds you and says "Hey. Um, you can't feel happiness or joy, or anything but pain. Wtf are you doing?" Have you tried Auvelity, valium, spravato/ketamine?
Honestly, what really pushes me to get up everyday is talking down on myself until I get up in order to force myself to do something productive.
Wow thank you for your reply. This was really relatable for me to read. You're right... I should say something. I don't know if I ever will, but I should. Thank you.
If you have to berate yourself to get up right now, hey that's still a coping skill. As much as I hate to use the term "coping skill." I can't be my own drill sergeant anymore and mentally attack myself to get out of bed anymore. I've lost that ability. It takes me days to visualize what I have to do and what strength and frame of mind I'll need, and what supplies, just to get up and do a task. Being accountable enough to take classes is awesome. I dropped out of nineth grade and only took a few local college classes before I started to get behind and couldn't handle anymore. At least if you live you'll be that much less far behind in life and haven't wasted it like I have.
